There was one time that I asked God, “Lord, why is it that I feel like I experienced so many things in just 40 years, things that I think I should experience for the entire 80 years or a lifetime?”
I never got a direct answer. Though I had my assumptions: 1) I am not to live long in this world, or 2) They are all part of God’s alignment towards His greater purpose.
Or it could be both. 😀
Lately, I’ve been contemplating the brevity of life after experiencing a radiating pain between my left armpit and breast that comes and goes. The first thing that came to my mind was: “Could this be breast cancer?”
I am now 40 years old, which means a yearly mammogram is recommended, given our family’s breast cancer history. My maternal grandma had a lumpectomy and lived with no recurrence until she was 94 years old.
My Mom had a mastectomy when she was also in her 40s, but had a recurrence, and we lost her at age 76 in 2023 due to stage 4 or metastatic breast cancer. Neither of them pushed through with chemotherapy at the onset of their diagnosis.
I just forgot to ask Mom’s oncologist (one of the best in Bicol), Dr. Louis Mervyn Leones, what type of breast cancer Mom had. TNBC (Triple-Negative Breast Cancer) is the most aggressive type of breast cancer with a high recurrence rate.
On my father’s side, we also had a grandma (my paternal grandpa’s sister) who passed on due to breast cancer. I am the only one among my sisters and me who’ve never undergone a mammogram, although I had an executive checkup in 2024, which included a breast ultrasound. And the results turned out negative, I was all clear.
When Health Becomes A Priority
I had that executive checkup because I’ve been getting UTIs frequently, sometimes every other month. And I am on antibiotics often, which is not good, by the way, as far as developing antibiotic resistance is concerned.
My allergic rhinitis also worsened, and I kept on getting nosebleeds often to the point that I was prescribed by my ENT doctor a maintenance medicine, and other medications to lessen the inflammation. Although one of her suggestions is a change in the environment, if I have the option to do so. That means living somewhere else since something in the condo might be triggering my allergies.
While the antihistamine she prescribed relieved me from the symptoms, such as a clogged nose, especially during the night, one of its side effects is brain fog. Dealing with this side effect is challenging for me because I do a lot of creative thinking in my work as a writer and a marketing professional.
After doing my research, I also found out that prolonged use of the medication is not advisable, as this can increase depression and agitation. So by 2022, after my husband resigned from work, we decided to come to Bulan and live here for good.
It also came in timely because in June 2023, Mom was confined and passed on in August of that year. This allowed me to help my siblings take care of her while she was at the hospital. Things didn’t pan out the way my husband and I planned, so my husband decided to work abroad, which didn’t work out, either.
But he’s now back in the country and working in Manila. I chose to stay here for 2 reasons: Manila might not be a healthy place for me to live in anymore, and Dad and my sister will need extra help here at home, as we are also going through a lot of transitions.
How God Leads In Preparing
Going back to the pain, I also thought it could be perimenopausal symptoms or back pain. But I also thought that maybe God is reminding me to have that yearly mammogram. Yes, Lord, I haven’t forgotten, but thank You for reminding me always.
I am planning on having it sometime in the last quarter of this year, after consulting with an ob-gyn, because we are very busy right now. And I am also in the process of preparing funding sources just in case the results aren’t favorable.
Although praise God, He’s given me lots of options already. I am also in the process of creating systems for the tasks here at home. In case I decide to get treatments, it will be easy to delegate the tasks that I’ll be leaving to my siblings or our house help.
If the results of the mammogram turned out positive, it would also affect the kind of employment opportunities that I should take on. I am currently organizing everything depending on what the result will be, so to speak.
Although, to be really honest, I am 90% decided to go for palliative care because I refuse to go through any medical treatments. I think I got influenced by Dr. Emanuel, although I am not going to wait until I am 75 years old. lol
If ever I meet with an oncologist, it’s only for the purpose of managing the symptoms, particularly in terms of pain management. Unless my doctor is very good at persuading, but persuading just happens to be my strength also. So, let’s see who will persuade whom. lol 😀
This is actually one of the reasons behind a dream to build a hospice at the farm, God willing. It is to provide patients with another option should they decline continuing medical treatments and opt for palliative or hospice care instead.
I already asked ChatGPT to create a feasibility study and a business plan, and it’s got potential and looks promising. This is a huge undertaking, though, and would most likely involve partnering with an institution to make this happen.
This is what Mom would’ve wanted, a choice that we couldn’t give to her because she’s already very sick at that time, and taking her out of the hospital will increase the possibility of her dying sooner. She might not even last 24 hours after we leave the hospital. We were able to care for her (intensive care since she’s on a ventilator already) for 2 months at the hospital after finding out the doctor’s diagnosis.
Sabi ng isa sa mga nurses na nag-attend kay Mommy, si Mommy daw ang pinakamatagal na pasyente na na-confine sa buong history ng ospital noong time na andoon kami. And that is the irony, because Mom actually hated hospitals, and she had a white coat syndrome. 😀
When God Meets Us Where We Are
Going back to my predicament, I’m still not dismissing the idea that maybe God has another plan for me, and He wants me to get treated because the experience is part of His will for my life. What I have mentioned above are all my plans and wishes.
And I can be very stubborn sometimes (or most of the time) na kung pwede lang mag-Bikol si God, malamang sa malamang ang sasabihin Nya sa akin: “Tin, minsan gud talaga dianison ka man taphudon.” hakhak 😆
I remembered one time when Mom told one of her doctors that her children have very strong personalities. I was in the room when she said that, and I couldn’t help but laugh because it’s very true.
Ah, yes, those moments with Mom at the hospital were all an eye-opener for me. In fact, when her oncologist told us about the diagnosis and prognosis, I thought I’d tell it to her in the way that I know best – through writing.
Since today is Friday, I just reminisced about everything that happened in the last 40 years of my life. I was born in Bulan and lived here until I was 16 years old. Then, from 2002 until 2022, I lived in Manila before coming back and living here in Bicol again.
Looking back, I am extremely grateful to God for all of the opportunities He opened for me, all the awesome people I have met, and all the wisdom I have learned from the experiences, good and bad.
I have zero regrets, and in fact, I always tell God that 40 years old is already a good age to die. Because God provided me with everything I have needed and wanted, I accomplished everything that I set my heart out to do, and I am already content.
I also don’t have kids, and my husband is back on track in his career and thriving by God’s grace. I feel like I am ready to go any time.
But just like what Lagertha said in the video I shared in this article: “But who knows what [God] has in store for us, Ragnar. Who knows what [God] has in store for us.”
As what was written in Ecclesiastes 3, “there is a time for everything.” When I was in Manila, it was a time of so many experiences, a lot of moving around. This time, I think God is asking me to slow down, settle down.
I don’t know if this is a journey that is about to end, or if this is the start of yet another journey. Or it is time to be on an eternal journey with Him.
All I know is that when God moves and asks us to move, too, go to a new place, or give up some things, we have to obey even if we don’t understand why and even if it makes us uncomfortable or it becomes unsettling.
Because in the end, in our surrender, God is worthy of it all. He will always be worthy. ❤
Here are some Bible verses to help us get through difficult seasons that we are experiencing in our lives, in our society, and in our world now:
Strength and Courage
- Isaiah 41:10: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
- Joshua 1:9: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Peace and Comfort
- Philippians 4:6-7: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
- Psalm 34:18: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Healing and Renewal
- Jeremiah 30:17: “But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the Lord.”
- Isaiah 40:31: “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
Trust and Refuge
- Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
- Psalm 46:1: “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.” – Psalm 32:8
“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.” – 2 Corinthians 4:8
P.S. I asked ChatGPT to recreate a photo of mine and change my hair to bald because I wanted to see what I look like without any hair. ChatGPT just sort of malfunctioned and kept coming up with a notification that it can’t process my request at the moment. lol So, I thought I’d just look up that very memorable moment of the UP Pep Squad when they won their 3rd championship at the UAAP Cheerdance Competition. I wasn’t able to watch it live because this happened in 2012, and I was doing my master’s thesis back in UP Diliman during this time, which I wasn’t able to finish because life got in the way. Madaling pumasok sa UP Diliman, mahirap lang talaga lumabas. 😀 But I was born-again in 2013 (my biggest milestone in life), and I was able to get my teaching license in 2016 because of the units I earned in my graduate study.
Read more about it here: “The bald and beautiful UP Pep and the rest of the UAAP cheerdance nation”
P.P.S. Since it’s the weekend, you might want to read some of the articles below just to give you an idea of some of the things that transpired during the last couple of decades in my life. I might go on social media hibernation because I plan on having a prayer and fasting just to seek God’s leading on everything that’s going on. To give you a heads up, though, most of these articles run on 1,000 words and above. 😀
The Journeyman's Moments 