The musings of a wandergeselle about faith, literature, music, dancing, culture, food, travels, art, fashion, photography, life experiences, and everything in-between from journée to journée.
I always watch Pastor Patrick’s preaching a week late, but I feel like the message is timely for me. There’s a part of me that regretted not being able to say “I love you” out loud to my Mom before she passed away.
We are never the type who are vocal with our “I love yous” though I never fail to say it when I text them. And last Sunday’s preaching reminded me to say these three words to people dear to me often but say it as if I really mean it. Because again, our days are numbered and we never know when will be our last day here in this world.
If you’re reading this, I want to say my heartfelt gratitude to you for being a part of this blog’s journey and my life’s journey. As a sister in Christ, I LOVE YOU. May we never depart from the One who made love possible – GOD is love. 🙂♥️🙏
More about regrets, saying “I love you,” and restoration in Pastor Patrick’s message below:
“We love because God loved us first.” 1 John 4:19
“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” – John 15:5
This year’s Holy Week reflection was nothing I have ever experienced and done before. It was a moment of deep contemplation and fervent prayers. 🙏
It was also a week of immense joy, but insurmountable sadness. I am so happy that my husband passed the nursing licensure exam in the country where he applied to work as a nurse, but I am also sad that this also means my husband and I are separating.
The decision wasn’t easy. This is one of those moments in your life wherein you can’t sleep at night and your stomach churns every time you think about it. And yet you know that there is no other easy way to go about it but to go through it courageously, mustering all the strength you’ve got.
I am overjoyed that my husband finally gets to fulfill his dream of working abroad. God answered my husband’s prayer, and I am just completely in awe having witnessed how God orchestrated things in a manner that I can attest to as something sort of a miracle.
My husband and I are both at peace with our decision, and I only have 2 requests from him if he plans to come back to me. First, he should be a born-again Christian (went through an altar call, water baptism, baptism of the Holy Spirit, and connected to a Bible study group) in Victory church. And second, he must be ready to stay with me in my hometown for good. And starting today, these are going to be non-negotiables for me.
Even if this happens how many decades from now, I will gladly take him back. But if not, then I trust God that He has other better plans for me and my husband. We will keep the communication lines open, but what I can only offer to my husband now is friendship as a sister in Christ unless he’s able to satisfy both of the requests I mentioned above. I have my own valid reasons for asking these requests, which I will no longer explain further.
I was actually having second thoughts if I should still share this here because it is too personal. But after praying to God about it, His instruction was to share it since it is a major part of my life’s journey. Thus, it’s also a part of this blog’s journey where I testify about God’s saving grace and faithfulness in every season of my life.
Again, my husband and I are both at peace though the acceptance didn’t come right away. We both struggled and haggled – God saw the pain. But, I am grateful that God still gave us both an opportunity to settle everything peacefully. He has prepared greater things for me and my husband to conquer and accomplish, albeit separately. On my end, I have a lot of pending tasks and opportunities to explore when I get back home – advocacies, farm projects, graduate study, and other work opportunities, just to name a few.
I can’t think of any other goodbye that’s better than this. And yet it is also that kind of goodbye that still remains hopeful for the things to come. I accept all of these as part of God’s sanctification for us to grow spiritually because my husband and I are still both a work in progress. It isn’t a coincidence that this took place during Holy Week 2024.
“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you (us), will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” – Philippians 1:6
Easter Sunday now has an even deeper meaning to me. The message of the Cross and Christ’s resurrection has never been more accurate and appropriate to what my husband and I are going through right now – sacrifice, freedom, transformation, new beginnings, and lastly, hope.
It is a testament to God’s profound love for the church that He is willing to sacrifice His own Son on the Cross so He can show that no power here on Earth, not even death, can separate us from the love of God. So in the end, we can all confidently say what Jesus said on the Cross, “Father, if You are willing, take this cup of suffering from me; yet not my will, but Yours be done” (Luke 22: 42-44).
And so Christ has risen. And so shall we. 🙏♥️
“The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” – 2 Peter 3:9
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11
“We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May Your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in You.” – Psalm 33:20-22
God is good all the time. I stumbled upon this advocacy for breast cancer warriors who’ve had a mastectomy – handmade breast prostheses. And I must say that this is one advocacy that is truly worth sharing here in my blog. I would like to encourage those who get to read this to support and share the project with your friends, families, and coworkers. ❤️
For international volunteers and donors who would like to support this advocacy by Knitted Knockers, you may visit this website:
To Filipino volunteers and breast cancer warriors who would like to get a pair of knitted breast prostheses for FREE, you may coordinate with the Bayanihan Knitted Knockers thru their Facebook page:
I also would like to dedicate this blog post to all the volunteers who support this cause and made this campaign a success. To the founders who started the initiative to help breast cancer warriors cope with the struggles and challenges of losing an essential part of themselves as a woman, the impact of this project is just beyond tremendous – a very big THANK YOU to all of you. 🙏❤️
Here are some of the testimonies from the recipients themselves:
God Is Good All The Time Talaga
Nakakatuwa lang si Lord. Dahil kagabi lang I felt like ni-shake, rattle, and roll na naman ang mundo ko. But God replaced it with peace and wisdom reminding me of His promises and the “positive” future that awaits when I obey Him.
I mentioned in my previous articles about this desire of mine to do volunteer work for the breast cancer community when I get back to Bicol. I don’t know how and where to start actually though I have an initial plan (please refer to this article). Pero as usual, umiral naman “imposter syndrome” ko and my complaint to God was that the task is too daunting. I lack a lot of resources from finances, logistics, to manpower. Sagot lang Nya is that “Christine, just wait.”
A Community of Warriors
And then came Knitted Knockers. This advocacy started in the US, and later on, ipinagpatuloy ng mga founders ng Bayanihan Knitted Knockers dito sa Pinas with the intent na matulungan ang mga Pinay na sumailalim ng mastectomy. Ang mga handwoven na breast prostheses ay technically mga fillers na nilalagay sa bra para maging pantay pa din ang mga dibdib o hindi maging flat ang mga dibdib.
Sa time ng mastectomy and lumpectomy ng Mommy and Lola ko (around ’90s), wala pang ganito. So, my Tita from the US bought my Mom a silicone pad (thanks Mommy Jud) altho lately na lang kaso mainit sya and hindi suitable para gamitin nang pangmatagalan lalo na dito sa Pinas. And nai-irritate ang pinagtahian lalo na sa case ni Mom na keloidal sya (like me) kaya nagkaroon ng keloid ang mismong tahi.
Akala natin maliit at simpleng item lang itong knitted breast prostheses pero malaki pala ang tulong na naibibigay para sa pag-boost ng self-esteem and confidence ng mga kababaihan na sumailalim ng mastectomy. Kaya nababawasan ang depression kahit paano dahil isa sa challenges ng mga breast cancer warriors after a surgery ay ang self-image at kung paano mag-iiba ang tingin sa kanila ng mga tao once they go out. The knitted breast prostheses somehow made the transition and adjustment process less traumatic and less painful to these women helping them cope with mental health issues better.
Volunteer For A Good Cause
So ito na ang ibinigay ni Lord na opportunity. It’s as if sinabi Nya na “Tin, I am now opening a door for you to volunteer.” Sagot ko sana ay, “May say ba ako, Lord, kung ayaw kong gawin?” lol Feeling ko isasagot sa akin ni Lord ay, “Ano ba talaga, Tin? Sabi mo gusto mo mag-volunteer tapos tinatanong mo ako kung ano ba ang nasa future mo, heto na ‘yun, I am giving you a glimpse how and where to start.” 😂 Sayang lang at hindi ako marunong mag-knit. But I really would love to learn. Kaso andami ko nang pending tasks pagbalik ng Bicol, baka maging hanggang drawing lang talaga itong pag-knit. Sana hindi. 🙏
I guess ito din ang isa sa mga purposes ni Lord kaya ako pinapunta ng Maynila dahil pinakuha Nya sa akin lahat ng mga training materials sa mga previous volunteer projects na sinalihan ko. Gaya nitong ginamit namin sa training as volunteers ng Victory QC (now Victory Katipunan) Community Outreach Ministry. I am not sure kung patuloy pa din ang proyekto na ito.
But I am grateful and privileged enough na nakapag-attend ako ng training dahil ang isa sa mga bumuo ng ministry na ito used to be the Dean (if I’m not mistaken) of the College of Social Work and Community Development in UP Diliman. I learned from one of the best mentors when it comes to doing community service and ang kagandahan, it was backed by Biblical foundations.
Extending The Project To Bicol
What I am praying for now is how I can bring the initiative of Bayanihan Knitted Knockers sa Bicol, like sort of create a Bicol chapter ng organization (kung wala pa) kahit magsimula sa kaunting volunteers lang muna. Dahil ang mga handwoven breast prostheses ay ipinapamigay ng LIBRE pero sagot pa din ng recipient ang shipping fee. Kung manggagaling pa ng Maynila, may kamahalan din ang babayaran na shipping fee ng breast cancer warriors from Bicol.
And kung Maynila lang ang pagkukunan ng knitted breast prostheses, baka masyadong matagalan ang delivery given the limited number of volunteer knitters they have. I am sure may marunong din mag-knit at mag-crochet sa Bicol. I plan to ask and coordinate with the founders of the Bayanihan Knitted Knockers here in Manila re the following:
– can we set up a Bicol chapter
– how long does it take to complete a pair of knitted breast prostheses (altho tingin ko depende na ito sa kung gaano ka-experienced ang isang volunteer knitter)
– are there specific requirements for the type of yarn, designs, foam used, proof of surgery (recipient), etc.
Based on their answers, doon ko malalaman what I will be needing for the Bicol chapter such as:
– number of volunteers (knitters and packers) depending sa magiging bulk ng orders and knitting/packing time
– targeted number of recipients (ilang cities and municipalities meron sa buong Bicol Region and ilan ang hospitals kada city/town)
– coordinate with oncologists/surgeons per hospital kung ilan ang pasyente nila na nag-undergo at maga-undergo ng mastectomy para sa referrals ng mga prospective recipients (this will be a very huge favor to ask from them soooo, mate-test ang superpower of persuasion ko dito or kaibiganin ko secretaries nila at i-bribe ng mamon para lumambot ang puso 😂)
Giving Everyone Equal Opportunity
Nakita ko kasi na konti pa lang din ang nakakaalam about Bayanihan Knitted Knockers kaya kung ia-advertise sa social media, ang mari-reach na mga breast cancer warriors ay konti lang. So, traditional way ng pag-advertise ang need gawin para mas marami ang makaalam at matulungan. And regardless kung ano status sa buhay, basta gusto mag-avail, dapat makatanggap.
Pagdating sa pag-round up ng volunteers, Bulan and Sorsogon City ang target ko since mag-uuwian ako from both places. Sa church sa city ang main target ko to get volunteers para habang nagni-knit o pack, diretso fellowship. Because why not? 😅
Kung madami ang orders, I plan to hire more knitters and mas preferred ko actually na bayaran ang gagawa pero syempre need mag-conduct ng financial planning kung kakayanin ba ng budget. We can’t solely rely on donations, but it would be a very big help. Ika nga nila, libre mangarap pero kailangan din maging praktikal.
Ang headquarters ay most likely sa hometown ko kasi ang vision ko sana ay doon iganap ang monthly meetings (once a month) sa farm namin. Pwede naman sa bahay kasi napagusapan actually naming magkakapatid na gawing bed and breakfast ang bahay in the far future since marami ang natutuwa at nagpapa-picture dito. Hindi lang nila alam ang daming multo. Isa na pala ako doon a.k.a. “the whitelady.” 😀
Ni-disenyo mismo ng Dad and Mom. ❤️ They love to build things together. Ito actually ang fave pastime nila – ang magplano at gumawa ng proyekto. | photo taken by my 3rd sister 📸
Tapos kapag nasa bukid na, unli buko doon at sabayan ng pancit bato para sa meryenda. Pero ang catch dito ay kung sino ang gusto ng unli buko, dapat sya ang magsusungkit ng buko. 🤣 We call buko as “silot” in Bulan. And this is how we harvest coconuts:
Only a skilled “paralukad” can harvest the coconuts dahil delikado sya actually at mahirap gawin lalo na kapag ganito na katatangkad ng mga punong niyog.
Kung game ang mga volunteers sa panunungkit, then unli buko it is. lol I am just kidding. Of course, unli buko talaga at magpapabaon din ako para sa pamilya nila tsaka kung ano mahagilap o ma-forage nila doon sa bukid (aawayin na ako neto ng Daddy at kapatid ko 🤣). Dahil maliit na bagay lang ito actually and the volunteers will get to experience this once a month only. This is how I plan to repay them for all the volunteer (hard) work they do.
A Collective Effort Towards Social Change And Fellowship
Noong time ng Lola at Lolo ko, sa bukid namin madalas ginagawa ang spiritual retreat ng Protestant church na usually ginaganap sa buwan ng Marso o Abril kung tama pagkakaalala ko. I am praying my siblings are also open to the idea once kami na ang magma-manage. But this time, gusto ko sana na it will be open to any church kasi ang target natin is to foster unity within the body of Christ.
My 3rd sister suggested maglagay ng chapel doon sa hill na maliit (na for sure ay hindi nyo naman makikitasa sobrang layo 😆).
Isa kasi ito sa mga most memorable childhood experiences ko when it comes to fellowship. Yaong nagpe-praise and worship kayo na panay mga boses at gitara lang ang maririnig (no loud musical instruments) kasi walang kuryente doon. And even if magkaroon pa, I still prefer na ganito pa din ang praise and worship during spiritual retreats – it’s more solemn at ramdam mo ang connection with nature and with God. And then after ng preaching at intercessory prayers, kainan a la picnic style (potluck kami lagi) tapos bonding na and just relax for the rest of the afternoon.
Maganda mag-senti dito sa pond. ‘Wag lang masobrahan sa pag-sway at baka tumilapon ka diretso sa pond – lagpas tao din sya. 😅The farm during dusk.
My visions are very ambitious, I know. 😀 But I am praying na ito ang will ng Panginoon at sana matuwa ang Dios kapag maisakatuparan ito. In everything, to God be the glory always. 🙏
For this article and what the organizers, volunteers, and supporters of Knitted Knockers and Bayanihan Knitted Knockers are doing, I believe the Bible verses below are fitting:
“In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.” – Matthew 5:16
“You can make many plans, but the LORD’s purpose will prevail.” – Proverbs 19:21
“Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.” – Proverbs 3:6
“Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and He will establish your plans.” – Proverbs 16:3
P.S. I believe this will be an ongoing initiative dahil kada taon meron at merong nada-diagnose ng breast cancer at naga-undergo ng mastectomy sa buong bansa. Pwede sa provinces madalang pero meron pa din. Kaya sa mga makabasa nito sa ibang lugar sa Pilipinas, sana maenganyo din kayo to start the same campaign sainyong mga lugar. 👍
Ang knitted breast prostheses ay hindi lang personal item. It is a powerful representation and symbolizes kung gaano nakipaglaban ang isang breast cancer warrior sa sakit na kanser. Thus, walang makakatumbas sa kanyang sentimental value. ❤️
*featured image courtesy of Bayanihan Knitted Knockers
Adulting is hard not because we are not up to the responsibilities that accompany it. Rather, the decisions that we have to make can weigh us down, especially if these decisions can alter how we live our lives and all other decisions that we will be making in the future.
Circumstances brought me here to Manila to do a lot of contemplating on what to do next. And one of them is about breast cancer. Yes, I plan to have an executive checkup here in Manila after my husband leaves for abroad. I already inquired in one of the hospitals in our province, unfortunately, they don’t offer executive checkups yet.
If my breast ultrasound (included in the executive checkup) comes out clear, I still plan on consulting with Mom’s oncologist when I get back to Bicol to ask if I should still have a mammogram since I’m only 38 years old. The recommended age for having a mammogram is 40 years old and above.
But given our family’s history of breast cancer, I would like to know what my options are. To be honest though, I feel awkward consulting with male doctors. 😁 I don’t know why in my previous consultations and even when I was hospitalized because of dengue, all the doctors who attended to me were all females though I never requested it.
Please don’t get me wrong because I am no sexist. It’s just that I feel like I can’t bare my heart out to a male doctor. lol Now, that gives you an idea already that I don’t have guy friends. To all the male doctors out there, I send you greetings of peace. ✌️😁 With female doctors, I tend to be very talkative especially when I’m nervous.
But it looks like my Mom’s oncologist will be an exception because of 2 things. First, I trust him because I already witnessed how he and the other doctors helped Mom manage her illness even though she’s in a very critical condition already. And second, I read this article on why credentials matter when choosing a doctor. He’s got strong credentials, so I’m assuming he’s the best of the best. Or maybe I’m just biased. lol Nah, he is the best in town – there’s no need for second-guessing here. 👍 These two factors are very important because basically, my life will depend on him.
I have a lot of questions that I’ve been meaning to ask him once we meet. One of them is if it’s a better alternative to have a double mastectomy just like what Angelina Jolie did to minimize the possibility of having breast cancer later on. But here’s my problem. What if I still want to have kids?
A double/bilateral mastectomy would mean I will no longer be able to breastfeed. After seeing the testimonies of other patients in the breast cancer support groups, I have decided not to push through with breast reconstruction surgery (skin grafting/implant), if ever, to lessen the chances of a recurrence or getting an infection. Although I read one case wherein after a bilateral mastectomy, the patient still had a recurrence on her chest wall this time.
I guess breast cancer cases really vary depending on whether the type of breast cancer is aggressive or not. I am hoping Dad’s genes are more dominant than my Mom’s, and my siblings and I will be spared from having breast cancer later on. Then I suddenly remembered that my Dad’s aunt (the sister of his dad) passed away because of breast cancer, too.
Yes, it will be a miracle if I die later on because of old age or any other sickness. But nothing is impossible with God. And if we also do our part to live a healthy lifestyle and have our regular checkups, then I believe dying of old age is still achievable.
Right now, all my siblings (1 brother and 3 sisters) are doing okay, by God’s grace, and they are between the ages of 40-50 already. But the thing is, we all haven’t had any breast cancer screenings lately.
I’m on a mission now to convince them to accompany me when we visit the doctor so they can have their checkups, too. I don’t know if my siblings are up to it because on my end, I am not afraid of whatever the findings are. Because when I do trust the doctor, even if I’m about to die, I will be at peace. My only request is to make my dying as painless as possible. Oh, and also, I want to die pretty.
I’m sure the doctor will tell me, “Tin, maybe what you need is a makeup artist and not a doctor.” 😅 Seriously though, nothing is more difficult than making decisions wherein your life is at stake. It’s as if you are given choices that will still eventually lead to you dying. What you’re actually given are options to die sooner or later.
So, how do I take this? It really depends on what God’s will is. Because right now, I am ready to go any time. I am at peace with everything because I already achieved some of my dreams, I did what I’ve always wanted to do in life, my siblings are doing okay, Dad has lived in full circle, and my husband has a bright future ahead of him – I am already content.
But as always, not our will but let God’s will be done always. We only do what is required of us, then we let God do the rest. Right now, I am contemplating whether having a child will still be my priority or if living cancer-free will take center stage from here onwards.
I still would want a child though even if I have it through IUI (as suggested by our ob-gyn 6 years ago but hubby was not yet ready). The thing is, my pregnancy will increase the estrogen levels in my body, and estrogen is what cancer cells feed on. However, if having a kid is not meant to be, then just like what Heart Evangelista said, “maybe we’re really not meant to have it all.”
When it comes to living a life with a flat chest because of bilateral mastectomy, the matriarchs in our family survived breast cancer and still got to live meaningful lives until they became seniors. For our generation, only God knows our fate. 🙂
Decisions, decisions. Make them wise, make them count. This I claim, and this I pray. 🙏
Let’s backtrack to a ’90s song (I’m a ’90s kid) that became a dance hit because I am feeling sentimental this Saturday. 😌
“Teach us (Lord) to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom.” – Psalm 90:12
After my “huhuhu waaah-ing 😭” last night because I remembered and missed Mom when I requested a copy of her death certificate online, I didn’t expect God would comfort me right away. And it was something that I can never ever dismiss – the comfort was tangible. 🙂
My husband came home to my puffy eyes last night and gave me a tight hug and a kiss on the forehead. And when I told him I missed my Mom, he told me he received a token from a coworker because he was one of the godfathers of his coworker’s kid. He urged me to open it. But he was more excited, so he opened it himself. lol And tadaaaa, we found these inside the pouch – a box of uplifting quotations with Bible verses and hand cream. 😍
Thanks, Rod and wifey!
Oh my dear Father, what did I do to deserve this kind of love from You? Even if I failed You so many times, Your faithful love remained. 😭🙏 God already knows I will be crying over Mom last night. To pacify me, here came His surprise. Indeed, there is just no coincidence when it comes to faith.
“…for your Father knows exactly what you need even before you ask Him.” – Matthew 6:9
These are very simple gifts. And yet to me, they spoke volumes. They were exactly what I needed at the right time. I mean, out of all the million items that could be given away as a token, why exactly them, right?
My husband told me it looked like these gifts were all intended for me. Now, I have a new hand cream because I’m about to use up the hand and body lotion I’m using now. I’ve been doing some cleaning and washing here at home lately (please refer to my previous articles) and once again, God already knew what I needed beforehand – some pampering for ze hands. This is actually how God’s character as a Father is displayed revealing His never-ending care and provisions for His children.
“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” – Matthew 6:26-27
“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him.” – Matthew 7:11
I never asked for these gifts. And yet God knows how to cheer me up and gave me exactly what I needed – materially and spiritually. He has always been like this to me ever since I became a born-again Christian. Maybe because God also knows how I feel deeply about everything – depression is another generational curse in the family.
This was how God saved me and how I was born again 11 years ago in the same month (you may read my testimony here and also here). Yes, I’m celebrating my 11th year this month as a born-again Christian. God’s timing and reminder are just so perfect, aren’t they?
It’s as if He was reminding me that “I sacrificed My Son for you on the Cross so you can be saved 11 years ago. So now Tin, stop moping around and stay focused on the task I laid out for you.” 😀 Ah yes, being born again is still the best milestone by far – nothing compares. ♥️
But wait, there’s more. When I opened the box, this was the message I saw – again, this was exactly the reminder that I needed last night. 😭
God is our Great Comforter, indeed. I can post a lot of Bible verses here that will show how He is close to the brokenhearted and how those who mourn will be comforted when they seek His Name.
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The righteous person faces many troubles, but the LORD comes to the rescue each time.” – Psalms 34:18-19
“God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” – Matthew 5:4
And yet the one I will post below speaks most to me and on what He wanted me to do:
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
As they say, you will never feel what other people are feeling if you’ve never been in their shoes. When God allows us to experience pain and loss, it’s not to punish us or make us miserable. It is so that we can share His greatness with others and how in the midst of our pain God moved in amazing ways. This is how we testify to the world that He is real and that those who believe in Him may die but will never perish (eternal inheritance).
Every single time, God never failed to remind me that He is always with us and will always be with us because He is the Alpha and the Omega – the beginning and the end. Everything may seem bleak and dark to most of us now, but as what God has promised, there is a “positivefuture” ahead of us, and He is already leading us there. We need not be afraid because we are not alone. ❤️🙏
A preparation for the Great Work up ahead. 🙏
P.S. What happened last night wasn’t a coincidence, and I know I am not writing this article a few days before Holy Week for no reason. When God moves, we can expect that it will be miraculous and marvelous. What God requires from us though in return is our authentic faith – one that honors Him in our highs and in our lows just like what this blog of mine is all about. 🙏
From My YouVersion Bible AppDaily Prayer & Devotion
I requested a copy of Mom’s death certificate online today and once again, tears just started streaming down my face as I wrote her death day. It’s been 7 months since Mom passed away, and yet grief still lingers – the pain lingers. Indeed, what they say is true. The pain will never go away. You just learn to move on with your life, but the pain of losing a loved one will always be there. And yes, things will just never be the same.
For today’s blog post, I wanted to write a letter to my Mom just to lessen the pain a little bit. ❤️
“Dear Mommy,
I miss you terribly. I miss your text messages and our long conversations over the phone (not less than 2 hours) just talking about anything. I miss watching movies with you and how we would analyze and make a movie critique even when the movie was not yet finished and make assumptions about how it will end.
I ate pistachios today – your favorite. They were supposed to be a “pasalubong” for youfroma relative abroad. Your favorite imported soaps are also still in your cabinet, and I don’t know if I will use them because their scent reminds me of you and makes me miss you even more.
Do you still remember when I was still sleeping with you and Dad until I was 6 years old and how I’d tuck my hand under your armpitand I’d fall asleep right after? I still do that now, but with my husband. lolYou probably must’ve thought how weird is this kind of behavior from your youngest child. And yet, you still let me do it.
I hope you were at peace when God took you from us – it was my only prayer while you were at the hospital. Losing you is a tragedy that doesn’t seem to have an ending. We may not agree on certain things, but I want you to know that I am deeply sorry if there were times when I hurt your feelings.
It was never my intention to hurt you, and all I ever wanted was to love you like how you wanted to be loved. You will always be the best Mom for me. And it is because of you that’s why I am who I am today.
Oh Mom, how do you make this pain more tolerable? I wish I had your wit and your wisdom. You seem to have an answer and a solution to everything. Everyone in the family confided with you when it came to their problems and sought your advice.
I was also hoping you’d still get to see your grandkids, my future children (if God wills it I still bear a child). But, I guess that will no longer happen. Losing you is very painful, and I am not sure when will I be grieving. The only consolation I have now is that you’re no longer suffering from pain.
Help me to be brave like you, Mom. And yet I know you will tell me to trust God because He is the only one who sees everythingand that He is always in control.
Thank you for everything, Mommy. I will cherish all the memories we’ve had with you – the good and the bad. I may sometimes wish that I’d be with you sooner, and yet I know I still have to look forward to what lies ahead if God will tell me to stay a little longer.
I love you always, and no one can ever replace you in my heart because there is only one person who carried me in her womb and brought me into this world– you.
Always your youngest child,
Nen”
“God will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, no crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”- Revelation 21:4
After ze husband’s exam last Monday, the waiting game still continues because the result will be released 2-6 weeks after the exam. 😃 I already declined several job invitations and writing projects because I don’t have my laptop and other work equipment with me. So yes, I am desperate to go back home. But I have faith that God will continue to open more opportunities.
By the way, I work as a freelance writer but I’m planning on going full time once I get back home and as soon as I’m comfortably settled in. My past 2 years involved a lot of major life transitions so this year will still be part of my adjustment phase. When I came to Manila last December, I wasn’t planning on staying long. But, as we all know it, God’s timeline is different than mine.
Ah yes, if there is one thing that is consistent in life, it’s waiting. For someone like me who is impatient, waiting has been one of my challenging waterloos. And yet, impatience also taught me the greatest lessons in life.
One of these lessons is to learn and master the art of proactive waiting. Here are a couple of great reads I found on the internet, and I also included some key takeaways from each article:
“He would therefore be wise to take this coasting time to charge his batteries, in readiness for his huge and imminent life shift. He will be far more effective if rested. He will be better equipped to process all of the new coming into his life if rested, so it’s wise to treat and consider this coasting phase as a gift, rather than a frustrating annoyance. Change your thinking, change your reality.”
[They say the sweetest fruit is the one ripened from the tree, not something that was forced to bloom. There are things and people worth waiting for. This quote from Charles Stanley is appropriate: “our willingness to wait reveals the value we place on the object or person we’re waiting for.”]
It looks like my period of waiting while here in Manila was planned by God all along in preparation for what I am set to do once I get back to Bicol. First is to take this time to rest because when I’m in Bicol, I tend to multitask nonstop my body can’t keep up. The second is to realign my plans according to the new decisions I will be making.
Thank God For Free Online Courses
Learning is also part of these preparations. I am extremely grateful for all of these free e-learning opportunities/online courses offered by LinkedIn Learning, the University of the Philippines Open University, and Harvard University.
I am hoping that these online courses will somehow prepare me and give me an idea of what to expect as far as business management is concerned. A couple of years ago, I took up an online course on Social Entrepreneurship offered by UPOU. I must say that I absolutely enjoyed my learning experience. The requirements to pass the course included actively participating in online class discussions and submitting a business plan by the end of the course that will be peer-reviewed by your classmates.
I mentioned in my previous articles that I’m planning to pursue a graduate study in management or agribusiness in Bicol. But, I am having second thoughts because you guessed that right – the course syllabus might include any subject related to Math, Statistics, and computing. If this is the case, then I know I have a high chance of failing the course, especially if the Math subject is a pre-requisite. Oh Math, just love me, please. Pretty please. 😭😅
Why, Oh Why, BU?
By the way, I’m just going to share a little side story to support the previous paragraph. I actually failed to pass the Bicol University College Entrance Test (BUCET) back in 2002. lol It’s a good thing I passed the University of the Philippines College Admission Test (UPCAT) and was blessed enough to get in as a scholar at UP Diliman. Because if I didn’t, then my 3rd choice was the University of Sto. Tomas (UST) since I qualified under their BS Nursing program. So yes, I need to prepare and overcome this fear of failing BU’s entrance test again because this time it will be graduate study, which means meeting a higher set of standards to qualify as a graduate student.
LinkedIn Learning
Thanks as well to LinkedIn because I received another offer to claim 1 month of free access to LinkedIn Learning. My first free access was back in 2017. I was able to take a couple of free online courses related to my job at that time. They came in timely as I was just building my online portfolio back then including this blog. You can check out the LinkedIn Learning courses being offered through this link if you have a premium account:
Speaking of this blog, I made it a habit to write here when the schedule permits and even if there were times when I’m feeling meh to write anything. This blog not only serves as my online portfolio and my online journal about faith, but I also get to review my written work and see if there were improvements or if I keep on making the same writing mistakes again and again.
Always Learning, But Getting Better
This reminds me to edit my previous articles, especially those that were written before I started my professional writing stint. These were the articles published from the year I put up this blog (2013) until 2017. Because some of the articles were just drafts and since I’m impatient, I just published them right away without editing them. And these are also the articles that make me cringe now when I read them again. They kind of make you wish you’d vanish into thin air because of embarrassment. lol That’s how sloppy I was as a writer back then.
But all thanks to my editors (I had a lot of editors since I was working as a freelancer), I was able to hone my writing skills and improve my craft through their constructive feedback and coaching sessions. I also made it a habit to write regularly and read often to improve my vocabulary. It’s easier to express your thoughts when you have a wide vocabulary. Being a “logophile” does have an advantage.
As for the free online courses offered by Harvard University, I’m saving the best for last. I still have to negotiate with my imposter syndrome if we can make it and pass the courses. lol Because well, it’s Harvard. Hopefully, these courses will be available until the rest of the year because I am now enrolled in another UPOU MODeL online class, which will run from March 18 – April 12. My LinkedIn Learning free access will also end this month so I need to study as many online courses as I can. If you want to check out what are the free online courses offered by Harvard University, you can check out the link below:
Indeed, when we wait, we get the best of everything when the right time finally comes. And God will provide what we need as we wait including the opportunities to help us prepare and keep us focused on the goal. This applies to relationships as well. It’s as if God was saying to me, “I’ve got you these opportunities, Tin, to keep you from being bored and frustrated while waiting. So, stop whining already that waiting is terribly excruciating.” 😁
We will get there in God’s perfect time. Hold on, calm your heart, keep on trusting, and remain steadfast. I feel you. ♥️
And continue PRAYING. 🙏
“Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.” – Ecclesiastes 3:11
This year, God is telling me to prioritize my health above anything else. And once again, God never fails to provide when you ask.
“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” – Matthew 7:7
My KonsultaMD activation came just in time for the celebration of International Women’s Day yesterday. Ah yes, thank You, Lord, for this wonderful gift. 🙏
And yes, it’s really a blessing because I got 3 months’ worth of free access including 1 video and unlimited voice consultations with a general practitioner/specialist. Super awesome, right? I can’t wait to ask the doctor every question I could think of like, “Doc, as a man of Science, do you think the air there in Nibiru is toxic to humans?” Or how salty is salty? Or why is cancer called “cancer”? Can’t we call it “Scorpio” or “Capricorn”? Or how about “Taurus”? 😂
Most likely the doctor will red-tag me as the worst patient ever in human history. lol And the next time I consult with the doctor, he/she is going to tell me to stop pestering him/her with all this nonsense. But I already prepared an answer for that, too: “Oh I am terribly sorry, Doc. I thought you’re an AI Doctor.” 😆
Okay now, let’s skip the jokes lest the doctors who get to read this block me on the app forever. Going back to KonsultaMD, if you’re wondering how I got the free access, it’s included in the new Singlife health insurance I purchased through the GCash app. For the past weeks, I’ve been researching and comparing the differences between HMOs (Health Maintenance Organizations), health insurance, and VUL (Variable Universal Life) insurance. We all know that getting sick can be quite expensive, and we don’t want to spend all our life savings on hospital bills and medications.
I was doing my research on insurance the past weeks, thus, the WordPress hibernation. Another reason for my absence is that I have to limit my digital footprint as part of my preparations for yet another task. So this means I’ll be setting the visibility of this blog to “private” after a few weeks. But I’ll change it to “public” again when the time is right (because I just love my WordPress community). I was also busy “scrounging” the internet for any free medical services that I could find so I can share them with the breast cancer support groups on Facebook.
The number of breast cancer warriors who do not have the means to get their medical checkups is still increasing. My heart bleeds for these women. Sometimes I can’t help but cry because some of them are too sick and have been suffering from severe pain for a long time already because they don’t even have enough money for their basic needs.
But how do I help them? I feel like I only have 5 barley loaves and fishes and there are thousands to feed (Matthew 14:17-19). Day and night, every time I see a post asking for help where to get free medical consultations, lab tests, medicines, etc., I would pray to God to give me the resources to help them.
And God answered – I came across these free events and lectures (thanks, Doc Emmeline!) on social media. I am also praying for opportunities to accompany some of the women in the group especially those who are alone, are too weak to go to nearby hospitals, are too scared, are at a total loss for what to do and where to start, or don’t have enough money to pay for transportation expenses.
Unfortunately, this will have to wait because I’m currently busy helping my husband prepare for his exam this coming Monday. I am praying he will pass the exam so he can achieve his dream of working abroad. I am so happy to see how God is working in my husband’s life right now. It also motivates me to trust God even more. After sending him off, I hope I can devote some of my time doing volunteer work for breast cancer warriors back home.
Why Singlife?
I discovered Singlife through Globe’s GCash app back in 2020 when the Covid-19 pandemic started. I wasn’t able to activate the free health insurance though which covered illnesses like Covid-19 and dengue because I didn’t need it at that time. But after what happened to Mom, I thought that now was the perfect time to explore what Singlife has to offer.
I chose Singlife because it’s a low-risk investment, and yet offers higher coverage compared to HMOs (up to 100-120k only). But it is best to use the HMOs during medical emergencies. A lot of my friends tried to convince me to get a Sun Life insurance a few years ago (and until now), but I told them I’ll hold off getting one for now.
I guess these are the advantages of delayed gratification – you get to wait for a service or product to improve after some time, maximize the benefits later on, and get your money’s worth because there are now better options. My other reason for not getting Sun Life insurance is that my husband and I do not have kids. We don’t have beneficiaries in other words.
I am also apprehensive about getting one after what happened to previous insurance companies that went bankrupt, and policyholders weren’t able to get their invested funds back. Now that the US is heading toward another economic recession, I am unsure how these insurance companies will protect their policyholders’ funds that were invested in stocks and other volatile investments given the global economic outlook in the coming years.
Sun Life’s VUL insurances are a bit of a high-risk investment for me. Though I am considering getting their Business Owner Insurance Package later on God willing. I’m assuming this is one of their new insurance plans so this means conducting due diligence on my end and assessing how our family’s business could benefit from this insurance package. I’m considering it as another option that will add an extra layer of protection (buffer funds) to help sustain the business and recover in case of an economic collapse. Agripreneurs, by the way, can insure their businesses through the Philippine Crop Insurance Corporation under the Department of Agriculture.
As for Singlife, it offers more flexibility when it comes to monthly premiums. I tried the 100-in-1 Medical Plan, and I am looking into buying another plan (Cash for Medical Costs), which offers a higher monthly premium to increase my insurance coverage. But I’ll wait until the free KonsultaMD subscription of my first Singlife plan ends so it won’t overlap with the new plan.
My only prayer now is to find a way to share these unlimited consultations with some of the women in the BC support groups. How I wish I was allowed to schedule a doctor’s appointment on their behalf using my account. So my next task is to explore these opportunities and continue to look for more of them. As they say, when a door won’t open after you knocked, break it down. I’m kidding. We just keep on looking for more doors to open.
I am planning to share all about Singlife on social media because I believe this will help reduce the number of patients trying to avail the free medical services offered by public hospitals. Those who can afford to pay the monthly premiums offered by Singlife can choose a plan that fits their budget. The benefit of having one is that policyholders get to skip long lines and long waiting times to schedule laboratory tests and initial medical consultations (thru KonsultaMD) aside from the cash benefit that they can claim upon diagnosis of an illness and during hospitalization.
I am praying though that more doctors will sign up at KonsultaMD. We can expect more inquiries coming in and possibly more health insurance applications and medical consultations once I share this on social media. I also noticed there is 0-1 doctor only listed under some specializations. I hope there are still more doctors who can accommodate consultations via KonsultaMD in their schedules. Don’t worry Docs, we will try to ask (nonsensical) questions sparingly. ✌️
When it comes to the KonsultaMD app’s overall interface, it is very user-friendly. It is also easy to access and switch from one app feature to the other. And I love the portion of the app where they have a list of comprehensive medical checkup packages (prices included) classified according to gender, age, and illness. I find this very helpful because I plan to have my executive checkup soon though I am feeling well right now, and it’s next on my to-do list after I send off ze hubby. In summary, our best option to safeguard our assets, investments, and life savings when we get sick is to maximize what we can benefit from our HMO, health insurance, and PhilHealth.
And yes, we also never stop looking for opportunities to offer help in any way we can, especially to those who are in dire need of medical assistance. I agree with Prof. Samar Aoun, one of the speakers at the recently held webinar hosted by the European Association for Palliative Care, when she emphasized the need for reflective practice by addressing social needs (identifying the circumstances surrounding the need) and not just look into the pathological lens when it comes to understanding and dealing with patients.
To end this article, here’s my favorite quotation by Edward Everett Hale that hopefully will encourage us all to keep on doing what is good and what is best for everyone:
“I am only one, but I am one; I cannot do everything, but I can do something. What I can do I ought to do, and what I ought to do, by God’s grace, I will do.”
P.S. God’s surprises never end here. Stay tuned for my next post. 🙂
Here’s a special poem for Valentine’s Day to warm the heart wherever you may be. Happy Valentine’s Day! 🌹❤️🥰
THE NAME I LOVE
by Christine Lailani
I may not have it all, But there’s one thing I’m grateful for. At first I find it hard to trust, And just difficult to believe. It is irresistibly sweet And reminds me whose I really am. It’s the way You made me feel, Which will always hold true. And that it will never end in vain For I am truly and only Yours. There’s just no other way to put it nicely. So when I responded to the call, It was revealed for me to see. The name that I truly love Was heaven sent through an angel. An encounter that made me eager To love You like I always should.
❤️❤️❤️
“To Make You Feel My Love”
“Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.” – 1 Corinthians 13:13
I often wondered what is it with death that we are so afraid of. Maybe we’re not really afraid about dying per se, but more of how we are going to die. The topic of death has always been considered morbid and taboo. And yet all the more that we should talk about it because acceptance is always the pathway to peace.
When God placed a desire in my heart about hospices after my Mom passed away last year due to stage 4 breast cancer and the possibility of providing hospice care on our farm in the future, I asked Him to give me the means to make it happen. And it looks like I got my confirmation because He sent me a whole lot of resources and instructions to prepare for it. Or maybe this was the work of Facebook’s algorithm since I’ve been doing research on hospice care which is why I was getting similar recommendations on my newsfeed. 😀
By the way, I don’t have a personal Facebook account because I deactivated it. I have 1 dummy account though where I only have 1 friend and she’s my spiritual Mom/coach/mentor. I mainly use Facebook to stay updated with news and current events.
Here are some of the organizations I found if you need information on hospice care:
I also chanced upon the website of the National Institute on Aging, which is one of the institutes of the National Institutes of Health in the U.S. It’s a privilege to be able to subscribe to their weekly newsletters and receive free caregiving tips and resources, which are all very informative.
I cannot tell though if the fulfillment of these plans will happen in my lifetime, but this might inspire others to follow suit if they also receive the same calling. But first, let’s define hospice care.
What Is Hospice Care?
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defined it as “a program designed to provide palliative care and emotional support to the terminally ill in a home or homelike setting so that quality of life is maintained and family members may be active participants in care. It is also a facility that provides such a program.”
The hospiceproject proposal and draft for another project are currently at 30% and 20% progress rates, respectively. I still have a lot of work to do. But, all in God’s perfect time. And I cannot work on a project without listening to worship songs. It’s a must. 😉
What To Do During The Terminal Stage Of An Illness?
It is part of my preparations to always assume the worst-case scenario. This helps me prepare holistically. However, I would suggest limiting these worst-case assumptions to a minimum because they can trigger anxiety, and we don’t want that. So let’s say I am diagnosed with a terminal illness, how am I going to take it?
1. Seek For Expert OpinionRe Treatments
I’ll ask my doctor how long I have like if I opt to go through all the treatments, will I have a couple of years and if I don’t, do I have a couple of months only to live? I will also ask what is my quality of life after receiving the treatments. Will I be able to live a normal life again?
If the answer will depend on how my body will respond to the treatments, then it’s a “go.” If my body won’t be able to survive the treatments, then I’m choosing palliative care and pain management instead.
2. Plan My Next Move
I did ask God what more can I do if I only had a couple of months or years to live. Because I felt like I could only do so much in just a short span of time. And yet God’s answer was that what we might consider as small efforts now may actually have a lasting and significant impact later on.
One example is meeting another patient who is already on the verge of ending his/her life, but by talking to him/her, hope in God is restored and this person is now helping others as a result. Or it could be a student who will be inspired by my testimony, and decades from now, that kid will become the President of this country who fears God and will genuinely serve his people. It’s like God was saying that there are plenty of opportunities to touch other people’s lives that don’t really require that much effort and too much time.
3. Prepare For The Actual Battle
We never go to a battle unprepared. And we don’t prepare ourselves only, but those around us, too. It is also important to be surrounded by people who can pray for you and encourage you to keep on fighting. The church is the right community for this.
Equipping warriors with the Armor of God in every battle (Ephesians 6:11-13). JEHOVAH NISSI. 🗡️🛡️
Breast cancer support groups, in a way, provide emotional and psychological help and other information based on every patient’s journey. But, we can’t totally rely on them because most of the people in these groups are going through treatments or have a family member who is ill. When one member dies, it can pull the morale of the rest of the members down.
Because when this happens, I know the next questions that will pop into their minds are these, “Lord, am I next? When will my time come?” Questions like these, if they are what occupy the patient’s mind often, will result in depression. And in the webinars I attended, when depression hits, it affects every treatment plan, especially if the patient doesn’t want to eat and take their medications or continue the treatments.
So I actually came up with this mantra to combat depression – we do not mourn the living, we mourn the dead. We can’t be sad all the time and cry over how difficult life is as a sick person. We don’t lose heart, but we keep moving forward. As long as we still breathe, we move forward. We call this in UP as “Padayon.” ✊
4. Pray And Let God Take Control
Once I start with my treatments, I will leave the results to God. Whether I get healed or my condition worsens, I will accept what God’s will is for me. If ever I decide to push through with palliative care, then I will let nature run its own course just like the stance of Ezekiel Emanuel, an oncologist, to refuse all treatments after the age of 75. You may read more about it in the following articles:
I once asked my second sister who works as a nurse in a nursing home in Norway how she ever got used to seeing patients die. How do you care for someone without getting emotionally attached and not be sad when he/she passes away?
My sister answered that you will never get used to it. You somehow just learn to accept it. I guess we can learn from doctors, too, and how they approach every patient’s case objectively. However, this isn’t always the case like what our pastor shared in church about how one doctor cried because the patient, a member of the congregation, was all good to undergo surgery but suddenly died the next day. And they weren’t expecting it at all.
This is why I have so much respect for doctors. What they do is really not easy. Also, not all patients are the same. There are those who will use 15 minutes of the doctor’s time venting out his/her sob story but still fail to answer directly the doctor’s question of what their concern is. 😁✌️ Then there are those who are sometimes too stubborn to obey doctor’s orders (is that you, Christine? lol). And there are those who blame the doctors when results turn out differently than what they’re expecting (this is definitely not me). But, we all love and care for these patients just the same.
That is why I keep on praying to God that doctors will be given the best support system that they could ever have may it be in the form of trusted friends, a spiritual family, loving parents and siblings, a supportive partner, or awesome kids (even if they can get too rowdy sometimes). And this is also what I was hoping the hospice facility would be able to provide – whatever the dying patient wishes, it will be granted (as long as it is reasonable).
Look To Jesus For Salvation Amid Suffering
Each one of us will go through different ways of dying. Each of these deaths will have its own struggles and pain – except for those who died instantly. We will all go through these struggles before our last breath. And yet we should not be afraid.
Instead, we look up to Jesus and how He conquered death. And yet even His death did not happen in His own timeline. Only God knows when we leave this world. What really matters is what we do with this one life that we have here on Earth.
If we’ve been born again, then we only have one purpose and that is to use our lives for God’s plans and His glory. We are a living testimony of God’s grace through every pain, every sorrow, and every suffering that we encounter in this life. The book of Revelation already gave us a glimpse of what those who endured suffering will get in the end – the promise of eternal life. This is a wonderful place to look forward to because in it there will be no more pain, no more sickness, and no more death. ❤️
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73:26
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” – 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and He will dwell with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” – Revelation 21:1-4
P.S. Here are some videos that I felt like God wanted me to watch as part of our preparation for the hospice project. Again, providing hospice care may or may not materialize in our lifetime, but maybe those who get to read this article might benefit from watching these videos. These videos can be emotionally heavy for some so I suggest being ready with your comfort food, favorite hobby, or a trip someplace else after watching these videos to release all the negative emotions. And don’t forget your rolls of tissue. *sniff*
“5 Things You Should Know When Someone Is Actively Dying”
The Journeyman's Moments 