Tag Archives: God

Regrets, Lost Opportunities, & Restoration | “I LOVE YOU”

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I always watch Pastor Patrick’s preaching a week late, but I feel like the message is timely for me. There’s a part of me that regretted not being able to say “I love you” out loud to my Mom before she passed away.

We are never the type who are vocal with our “I love yous” though I never fail to say it when I text them. And last Sunday’s preaching reminded me to say these three words to people dear to me often but say it as if I really mean it. Because again, our days are numbered and we never know when will be our last day here in this world.

If you’re reading this, I want to say my heartfelt gratitude to you for being a part of this blog’s journey and my life’s journey. As a sister in Christ, I LOVE YOU. May we never depart from the One who made love possible – GOD is love. 🙂♥️🙏

More about regrets, saying “I love you,” and restoration in Pastor Patrick’s message below:

“We love because God loved us first.” 1 John 4:19

“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” – John 15:5

An Easter Like No Other

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This year’s Holy Week reflection was nothing I have ever experienced and done before. It was a moment of deep contemplation and fervent prayers. 🙏

It was also a week of immense joy, but insurmountable sadness. I am so happy that my husband passed the nursing licensure exam in the country where he applied to work as a nurse, but I am also sad that this also means my husband and I are separating.

The decision wasn’t easy. This is one of those moments in your life wherein you can’t sleep at night and your stomach churns every time you think about it. And yet you know that there is no other easy way to go about it but to go through it courageously, mustering all the strength you’ve got.

I am overjoyed that my husband finally gets to fulfill his dream of working abroad. God answered my husband’s prayer, and I am just completely in awe having witnessed how God orchestrated things in a manner that I can attest to as something sort of a miracle.

My husband and I are both at peace with our decision, and I only have 2 requests from him if he plans to come back to me. First, he should be a born-again Christian (went through an altar call, water baptism, baptism of the Holy Spirit, and connected to a Bible study group) in Victory church. And second, he must be ready to stay with me in my hometown for good. And starting today, these are going to be non-negotiables for me.

Even if this happens how many decades from now, I will gladly take him back. But if not, then I trust God that He has other better plans for me and my husband. We will keep the communication lines open, but what I can only offer to my husband now is friendship as a sister in Christ unless he’s able to satisfy both of the requests I mentioned above. I have my own valid reasons for asking these requests, which I will no longer explain further.

I was actually having second thoughts if I should still share this here because it is too personal. But after praying to God about it, His instruction was to share it since it is a major part of my life’s journey. Thus, it’s also a part of this blog’s journey where I testify about God’s saving grace and faithfulness in every season of my life.

Again, my husband and I are both at peace though the acceptance didn’t come right away. We both struggled and haggled – God saw the pain. But, I am grateful that God still gave us both an opportunity to settle everything peacefully. He has prepared greater things for me and my husband to conquer and accomplish, albeit separately. On my end, I have a lot of pending tasks and opportunities to explore when I get back home – advocacies, farm projects, graduate study, and other work opportunities, just to name a few.

I can’t think of any other goodbye that’s better than this. And yet it is also that kind of goodbye that still remains hopeful for the things to come. I accept all of these as part of God’s sanctification for us to grow spiritually because my husband and I are still both a work in progress. It isn’t a coincidence that this took place during Holy Week 2024.

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you (us), will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” – Philippians 1:6

Easter Sunday now has an even deeper meaning to me. The message of the Cross and Christ’s resurrection has never been more accurate and appropriate to what my husband and I are going through right now – sacrifice, freedom, transformation, new beginnings, and lastly, hope.

It is a testament to God’s profound love for the church that He is willing to sacrifice His own Son on the Cross so He can show that no power here on Earth, not even death, can separate us from the love of God. So in the end, we can all confidently say what Jesus said on the Cross, “Father, if You are willing, take this cup of suffering from me; yet not my will, but Yours be done” (Luke 22: 42-44).

And so Christ has risen. And so shall we. 🙏♥️

“The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” – 2 Peter 3:9

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

“We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May Your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in You.” – Psalm 33:20-22

Bayanihan Knitted Knockers | Breast Cancer ADVOCACY

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God is good all the time. I stumbled upon this advocacy for breast cancer warriors who’ve had a mastectomy – handmade breast prostheses. And I must say that this is one advocacy that is truly worth sharing here in my blog. I would like to encourage those who get to read this to support and share the project with your friends, families, and coworkers. ❤️

For international volunteers and donors who would like to support this advocacy by Knitted Knockers, you may visit this website:

https://www.knittedknockers.org/

To Filipino volunteers and breast cancer warriors who would like to get a pair of knitted breast prostheses for FREE, you may coordinate with the Bayanihan Knitted Knockers thru their Facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/Bayanihanknittedknockers?mibextid=ZbWKwL

I also would like to dedicate this blog post to all the volunteers who support this cause and made this campaign a success. To the founders who started the initiative to help breast cancer warriors cope with the struggles and challenges of losing an essential part of themselves as a woman, the impact of this project is just beyond tremendous – a very big THANK YOU to all of you. 🙏❤️

Here are some of the testimonies from the recipients themselves:

God Is Good All The Time Talaga

Nakakatuwa lang si Lord. Dahil kagabi lang I felt like ni-shake, rattle, and roll na naman ang mundo ko. But God replaced it with peace and wisdom reminding me of His promises and the “positive” future that awaits when I obey Him.

I mentioned in my previous articles about this desire of mine to do volunteer work for the breast cancer community when I get back to Bicol. I don’t know how and where to start actually though I have an initial plan (please refer to this article). Pero as usual, umiral naman “imposter syndrome” ko and my complaint to God was that the task is too daunting. I lack a lot of resources from finances, logistics, to manpower. Sagot lang Nya is that “Christine, just wait.”

A Community of Warriors

And then came Knitted Knockers. This advocacy started in the US, and later on, ipinagpatuloy ng mga founders ng Bayanihan Knitted Knockers dito sa Pinas with the intent na matulungan ang mga Pinay na sumailalim ng mastectomy. Ang mga handwoven na breast prostheses ay technically mga fillers na nilalagay sa bra para maging pantay pa din ang mga dibdib o hindi maging flat ang mga dibdib.

Sa time ng mastectomy and lumpectomy ng Mommy and Lola ko (around ’90s), wala pang ganito. So, my Tita from the US bought my Mom a silicone pad (thanks Mommy Jud) altho lately na lang kaso mainit sya and hindi suitable para gamitin nang pangmatagalan lalo na dito sa Pinas. And nai-irritate ang pinagtahian lalo na sa case ni Mom na keloidal sya (like me) kaya nagkaroon ng keloid ang mismong tahi.

Akala natin maliit at simpleng item lang itong knitted breast prostheses pero malaki pala ang tulong na naibibigay para sa pag-boost ng self-esteem and confidence ng mga kababaihan na sumailalim ng mastectomy. Kaya nababawasan ang depression kahit paano dahil isa sa challenges ng mga breast cancer warriors after a surgery ay ang self-image at kung paano mag-iiba ang tingin sa kanila ng mga tao once they go out. The knitted breast prostheses somehow made the transition and adjustment process less traumatic and less painful to these women helping them cope with mental health issues better.

Volunteer For A Good Cause

So ito na ang ibinigay ni Lord na opportunity. It’s as if sinabi Nya na “Tin, I am now opening a door for you to volunteer.” Sagot ko sana ay, “May say ba ako, Lord, kung ayaw kong gawin?” lol Feeling ko isasagot sa akin ni Lord ay, “Ano ba talaga, Tin? Sabi mo gusto mo mag-volunteer tapos tinatanong mo ako kung ano ba ang nasa future mo, heto na ‘yun, I am giving you a glimpse how and where to start.” 😂 Sayang lang at hindi ako marunong mag-knit. But I really would love to learn. Kaso andami ko nang pending tasks pagbalik ng Bicol, baka maging hanggang drawing lang talaga itong pag-knit. Sana hindi. 🙏

I guess ito din ang isa sa mga purposes ni Lord kaya ako pinapunta ng Maynila dahil pinakuha Nya sa akin lahat ng mga training materials sa mga previous volunteer projects na sinalihan ko. Gaya nitong ginamit namin sa training as volunteers ng Victory QC (now Victory Katipunan) Community Outreach Ministry. I am not sure kung patuloy pa din ang proyekto na ito.

But I am grateful and privileged enough na nakapag-attend ako ng training dahil ang isa sa mga bumuo ng ministry na ito used to be the Dean (if I’m not mistaken) of the College of Social Work and Community Development in UP Diliman. I learned from one of the best mentors when it comes to doing community service and ang kagandahan, it was backed by Biblical foundations.

Extending The Project To Bicol

What I am praying for now is how I can bring the initiative of Bayanihan Knitted Knockers sa Bicol, like sort of create a Bicol chapter ng organization (kung wala pa) kahit magsimula sa kaunting volunteers lang muna. Dahil ang mga handwoven breast prostheses ay ipinapamigay ng LIBRE pero sagot pa din ng recipient ang shipping fee. Kung manggagaling pa ng Maynila, may kamahalan din ang babayaran na shipping fee ng breast cancer warriors from Bicol.

And kung Maynila lang ang pagkukunan ng knitted breast prostheses, baka masyadong matagalan ang delivery given the limited number of volunteer knitters they have. I am sure may marunong din mag-knit at mag-crochet sa Bicol. I plan to ask and coordinate with the founders of the Bayanihan Knitted Knockers here in Manila re the following:

– can we set up a Bicol chapter

– how long does it take to complete a pair of knitted breast prostheses (altho tingin ko depende na ito sa kung gaano ka-experienced ang isang volunteer knitter)

– are there specific requirements for the type of yarn, designs, foam used, proof of surgery (recipient), etc.

Based on their answers, doon ko malalaman what I will be needing for the Bicol chapter such as:

– number of volunteers (knitters and packers) depending sa magiging bulk ng orders and knitting/packing time

– targeted number of recipients (ilang cities and municipalities meron sa buong Bicol Region and ilan ang hospitals kada city/town)

– coordinate with oncologists/surgeons per hospital kung ilan ang pasyente nila na nag-undergo at maga-undergo ng mastectomy para sa referrals ng mga prospective recipients (this will be a very huge favor to ask from them soooo, mate-test ang superpower of persuasion ko dito or kaibiganin ko secretaries nila at i-bribe ng mamon para lumambot ang puso 😂)

Giving Everyone Equal Opportunity

Nakita ko kasi na konti pa lang din ang nakakaalam about Bayanihan Knitted Knockers kaya kung ia-advertise sa social media, ang mari-reach na mga breast cancer warriors ay konti lang. So, traditional way ng pag-advertise ang need gawin para mas marami ang makaalam at matulungan. And regardless kung ano status sa buhay, basta gusto mag-avail, dapat makatanggap.

Pagdating sa pag-round up ng volunteers, Bulan and Sorsogon City ang target ko since mag-uuwian ako from both places. Sa church sa city ang main target ko to get volunteers para habang nagni-knit o pack, diretso fellowship. Because why not? 😅

Kung madami ang orders, I plan to hire more knitters and mas preferred ko actually na bayaran ang gagawa pero syempre need mag-conduct ng financial planning kung kakayanin ba ng budget. We can’t solely rely on donations, but it would be a very big help. Ika nga nila, libre mangarap pero kailangan din maging praktikal.

Ang headquarters ay most likely sa hometown ko kasi ang vision ko sana ay doon iganap ang monthly meetings (once a month) sa farm namin. Pwede naman sa bahay kasi napagusapan actually naming magkakapatid na gawing bed and breakfast ang bahay in the far future since marami ang natutuwa at nagpapa-picture dito. Hindi lang nila alam ang daming multo. Isa na pala ako doon a.k.a. “the white lady.” 😀

Ni-disenyo mismo ng Dad and Mom. ❤️ They love to build things together. Ito actually ang fave pastime nila – ang magplano at gumawa ng proyekto. | photo taken by my 3rd sister 📸

Tapos kapag nasa bukid na, unli buko doon at sabayan ng pancit bato para sa meryenda. Pero ang catch dito ay kung sino ang gusto ng unli buko, dapat sya ang magsusungkit ng buko. 🤣 We call buko as “silot” in Bulan. And this is how we harvest coconuts:

Only a skilled “paralukad” can harvest the coconuts dahil delikado sya actually at mahirap gawin lalo na kapag ganito na katatangkad ng mga punong niyog.

Kung game ang mga volunteers sa panunungkit, then unli buko it is. lol I am just kidding. Of course, unli buko talaga at magpapabaon din ako para sa pamilya nila tsaka kung ano mahagilap o ma-forage nila doon sa bukid (aawayin na ako neto ng Daddy at kapatid ko 🤣). Dahil maliit na bagay lang ito actually and the volunteers will get to experience this once a month only. This is how I plan to repay them for all the volunteer (hard) work they do.

A Collective Effort Towards Social Change And Fellowship

Noong time ng Lola at Lolo ko, sa bukid namin madalas ginagawa ang spiritual retreat ng Protestant church na usually ginaganap sa buwan ng Marso o Abril kung tama pagkakaalala ko. I am praying my siblings are also open to the idea once kami na ang magma-manage. But this time, gusto ko sana na it will be open to any church kasi ang target natin is to foster unity within the body of Christ.

My 3rd sister suggested maglagay ng chapel doon sa hill na maliit (na for sure ay hindi nyo naman makikita sa sobrang layo 😆).

Isa kasi ito sa mga most memorable childhood experiences ko when it comes to fellowship. Yaong nagpe-praise and worship kayo na panay mga boses at gitara lang ang maririnig (no loud musical instruments) kasi walang kuryente doon. And even if magkaroon pa, I still prefer na ganito pa din ang praise and worship during spiritual retreats – it’s more solemn at ramdam mo ang connection with nature and with God. And then after ng preaching at intercessory prayers, kainan a la picnic style (potluck kami lagi) tapos bonding na and just relax for the rest of the afternoon.

Maganda mag-senti dito sa pond. ‘Wag lang masobrahan sa pag-sway at baka tumilapon ka diretso sa pond – lagpas tao din sya. 😅
The farm during dusk.

My visions are very ambitious, I know. 😀 But I am praying na ito ang will ng Panginoon at sana matuwa ang Dios kapag maisakatuparan ito. In everything, to God be the glory always. 🙏

For this article and what the organizers, volunteers, and supporters of Knitted Knockers and Bayanihan Knitted Knockers are doing, I believe the Bible verses below are fitting:

“In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.” – Matthew 5:16

“You can make many plans, but the LORD’s purpose will prevail.” – Proverbs 19:21

“Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.” – Proverbs 3:6

“Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and He will establish your plans.” – Proverbs 16:3

P.S. I believe this will be an ongoing initiative dahil kada taon meron at merong nada-diagnose ng breast cancer at naga-undergo ng mastectomy sa buong bansa. Pwede sa provinces madalang pero meron pa din. Kaya sa mga makabasa nito sa ibang lugar sa Pilipinas, sana maenganyo din kayo to start the same campaign sainyong mga lugar. 👍

Ang knitted breast prostheses ay hindi lang personal item. It is a powerful representation and symbolizes kung gaano nakipaglaban ang isang breast cancer warrior sa sakit na kanser. Thus, walang makakatumbas sa kanyang sentimental value. ❤️

*featured image courtesy of Bayanihan Knitted Knockers

Being Unapologetically Me

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In a world where criticisms are casually thrown around without any regard for how they could affect a person, I learned that you don’t owe the world an apology for being you – crazy, broke, dumb, weird, or ugly. How did I manage to live in a society that constantly puts us in a box based on stereotypes? It’s my introverted personality that helped me survive the harsh realities of this world because I have learned how to detach.

Here In This World, But Not Really Here

I create my own world. This blog is part of it. When I first put up this blog in October 2012, I was aware that putting myself out there will invite both supporters and detractors. And there is a high chance that I’ll have more of the latter than the former. It then became my mantra when posting on social media to allow the audience to “take it or leave it.” If the engagement is negative, do not entertain it. They are entitled to their own opinions, and we only tap the mindsets of those who are open to different perspectives.

Social media has its advantages. But we all know how notorious it can be for setting trends that become the norm. Sadly, some of these trends are detrimental to this generation’s mental health. Self-image then became the most common victim.

For one, who set the standards that “white” and “skinny” are beautiful? Or that a “glass skin” is better than having coarse skin? To be really honest, a majority of these trends are all centered on commercialism. It’s like creating a computer virus every year so people would upgrade their antivirus software every year, too. 😃✌️

Saludo Sa Hindi Nakikiuso

I am not against commercialism or technology. Though as we all know, too much of everything is harmful. So how do you know when is too much too much? We will know when we see a pattern, a habit. A pattern is like an addiction. And a habit becomes bad when it becomes disruptive. This habit can include placing too much emphasis on something that we have convinced our minds that we can’t live without even though in reality, we can live without it.

We then become insecure if we don’t have this something. Insecurities are always associated with self-image. And self-image, nowadays, is centered on the idea that once we don’t live up to society’s standards, then we are worthless. Thus, we become an outcast. But, here’s my challenge. Why is everyone afraid of being an outcast and being set apart from this world?

Outcasts See Better Behind The Brokenness

Because I am not. I am a nerd, an antisocial, a hypocrite, a lunatic, a good-for-nothing woman – believe me, I’ve been called all the worst names you can imagine. Some people just really have a knack for emphasizing what you lack, but forgive them – this is their flaw, too. And yet here I am, loving myself even more. I’m still living a normal life – at peace and content.

This is also the reason why I prefer Bible study groups and fellowships to reunions. Because what we usually talk about during reunions is all about bragging, accomplishments, and other people’s lives. But seldom will we talk about how we’re helping one family member who is a drug addict, or how a rebellious student left the family and what we can do to bring him/her back, or how we should pray over one friend who is abusive behind closed doors.

Social media crafted this image that people must be accomplished in their professions, have the latest collection of designer bags, and post picture-perfect family portraits from their latest out-of-the-country trips. There is nothing wrong with all of these. But is that all there is to life?

While fellowships in the church are also not perfect, shared experiences are usually a combination of accomplishments (praise reports) and failures (prayer requests). You see people for who they truly are – in their highs and in their lows. It is, thus, the intention of the church to build people up (through God’s way) and not tear them down.

Fellowships are primarily grounded on creating a safe environment where you can be yourself and share your struggles without being judged. Though we have to keep in mind that our Bible study group leaders, pastors, and the entire congregation are flawed individuals, too. And yet this is how we grow spiritually together – through our flaws.

The Church Is Not Perfect

Because this is what the church is for – it is a place for broken individuals. And it is this brokenness that we all have in common that leads us to our ultimate goal – receive God’s gift of salvation so He can make us whole. It is not the temporary things and people in our lives that will complete us. They will only satisfy us for a moment. But the void in our hearts can only be filled by God. And this is why the church exists.

Actually the more that I get older, the more that I become like King Solomon in the book of Ecclesiastes. It’s that moment of realization where having less is better and the simpler, the happier. Our lack of something actually opens our minds to have a better appreciation and understanding of everything and to value what we have and not take it for granted.

For example, there were times when I would count the few coins remaining in my purse just to make sure I still had enough for fare to be able to get home. And this is the only money I have left. But I will still share it here. Why?

Because the experience taught me humility. Did it make me less of a person? No, but in God’s sight, I earned His favor. Should I be ashamed if I overhaul clothes every 10 years or if I eat “tuyo” every week because that is all that I can afford to eat?

No, because this season of lack means I need to rely on God, which then means my faith in Him is being stretched to the limits and I am taught to endure. Endurance refines our character so we can be ready for whatever bigger hurdle we might go through in life later on. This is actually how we should train a generation to be resilient – in lack and not in comfort.

A Better Approach Towards Life

I am not promoting a poverty mentality but I am also not supporting prosperity gospel in case you’ve heard of it. Live just right. Dream big. But, let us not lose ourselves trying to compete and attain worldly success and accumulate possessions to impress people who will get on with their lives and will soon forget us once we’re in our graves. And more importantly, may we never sell our souls to the world.

How sure are we that the wealth we’ve amassed will be put to good use by those who will take over once we’re gone? What if they will become one-day millionaires only because they’ve squandered every cent you’ve painstakingly worked hard for on worthless things? Leaving a legacy behind is not just about leaving a tangible inheritance. It’s more about imparting the best moral values that will mold the next generation’s character. Because it is a good character that overlooks flaws and celebrates what is real – an asset that never gets old through time. And which makes us pleasing in the eyes of the Lord.

Embrace Your Flaws, They Make You Unique

Speaking of physical flaws, I actually grew up being teased for having a flat and fat nose. It became a favorite joke during family reunions because most of our relatives have this very special nose, too. My aunts and uncles said we got it from our maternal grandpa. But we do love him for it and for a whole lot of other things. And I remembered how my Mom would defend us by saying that it doesn’t matter because all her kids are intelligent, anyway. haha Way to go, Mom! 💪 But really, how intelligent is intelligent? My IQ is only 120, am I included? lol Nakay polpolon man gihapon sa Math. 🤣

Yes, I am well aware of my flaws since I was young. But even until now, I never felt the urge to change a single part of myself. The beauty and skincare products I use now are just part of my skincare routine and also to look and dress the part during special occasions or meetings wherein I need to wear makeup. My only goal is to take care of what I already have and stay healthy.

The reason why I chose portrait sketching and I felt drawn to this kind of art is because I get to see all the intricate details of a person’s face. That’s why I require high-resolution photos of people I sketch because I zoom in on the details making sure I copy every single one of them from warts, pimples, wrinkles, dimples to freckles.

A Divergent And Always Will Be

I admire people who are very comfortable in their own skin and despite having flaws, still have this sense of confidence that radiates through them. These are the people who don’t care what other people think and say. Thus, they are the ones who are truly carefree. They embrace their imperfections and change only that part of themselves that does not honor God, and this is why they stand out from the rest.

They are the ones who are actually “more visible” to me than those who I always see on social media. Because they’ve invested in their character more than their physical attributes in such a way that their personalities made them a people magnet for just being authentic, humble, and real. And no, they don’t apologize for being genuinely them.

We weren’t created to please people or impress them. We were created to marvel at God’s beautiful creation and that is ourselves – appreciate what we’ve been given because God already gave us everything that we need. And God gave us these things to bring Him glory and not to please the world. ♥️

“I praise You (Lord) because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” – Psalm 139:14

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” – Romans 12:2

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” – Proverbs 31:30

[But the LORD said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.’] – 1 Samuel 16:7

“Physical exercise has some value, but spiritual exercise is much more important. It promises a reward in both this life and the next.” – 1 Timothy 4:8

Hospice Care 101 | Making Peace With Death

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I often wondered what is it with death that we are so afraid of. Maybe we’re not really afraid about dying per se, but more of how we are going to die. The topic of death has always been considered morbid and taboo. And yet all the more that we should talk about it because acceptance is always the pathway to peace.

When God placed a desire in my heart about hospices after my Mom passed away last year due to stage 4 breast cancer and the possibility of providing hospice care on our farm in the future, I asked Him to give me the means to make it happen. And it looks like I got my confirmation because He sent me a whole lot of resources and instructions to prepare for it. Or maybe this was the work of Facebook’s algorithm since I’ve been doing research on hospice care which is why I was getting similar recommendations on my newsfeed. 😀

By the way, I don’t have a personal Facebook account because I deactivated it. I have 1 dummy account though where I only have 1 friend and she’s my spiritual Mom/coach/mentor. I mainly use Facebook to stay updated with news and current events.

Here are some of the organizations I found if you need information on hospice care:

The Philippine Society of Hospice and Palliative Medicine – https://www.pshpm.org/

Asia Pacific Hospice Palliative Care Network – https://aphn.org/

The European Association for Palliative Care is also conducting a free webinar on February 21, 2024 at 5pm (Manila Time) entitled “Public Health Approaches to Bereavement Support.” Here’s the link to register: https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/9717054994060/WN_A7NsLepPSIO2sn28NnZx9Q?fbclid=IwAR1KbkSVq0tRwg3MVTQXfmXUrVVvXab0TXiicyzBcL2F6NZzY8jvdd4qMyU#/registration.

I also chanced upon the website of the National Institute on Aging, which is one of the institutes of the National Institutes of Health in the U.S. It’s a privilege to be able to subscribe to their weekly newsletters and receive free caregiving tips and resources, which are all very informative.

I cannot tell though if the fulfillment of these plans will happen in my lifetime, but this might inspire others to follow suit if they also receive the same calling. But first, let’s define hospice care.

What Is Hospice Care?

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defined it as “a program designed to provide palliative care and emotional support to the terminally ill in a home or homelike setting so that quality of life is maintained and family members may be active participants in care. It is also a facility that provides such a program.”

The hospice project proposal and draft for another project are currently at 30% and 20% progress rates, respectively. I still have a lot of work to do. But, all in God’s perfect time. And I cannot work on a project without listening to worship songs. It’s a must. 😉

What To Do During The Terminal Stage Of An Illness?

It is part of my preparations to always assume the worst-case scenario. This helps me prepare holistically. However, I would suggest limiting these worst-case assumptions to a minimum because they can trigger anxiety, and we don’t want that. So let’s say I am diagnosed with a terminal illness, how am I going to take it?

1. Seek For Expert Opinion Re Treatments

I’ll ask my doctor how long I have like if I opt to go through all the treatments, will I have a couple of years and if I don’t, do I have a couple of months only to live? I will also ask what is my quality of life after receiving the treatments. Will I be able to live a normal life again?

If the answer will depend on how my body will respond to the treatments, then it’s a “go.” If my body won’t be able to survive the treatments, then I’m choosing palliative care and pain management instead.

2. Plan My Next Move

I did ask God what more can I do if I only had a couple of months or years to live. Because I felt like I could only do so much in just a short span of time. And yet God’s answer was that what we might consider as small efforts now may actually have a lasting and significant impact later on.

One example is meeting another patient who is already on the verge of ending his/her life, but by talking to him/her, hope in God is restored and this person is now helping others as a result. Or it could be a student who will be inspired by my testimony, and decades from now, that kid will become the President of this country who fears God and will genuinely serve his people. It’s like God was saying that there are plenty of opportunities to touch other people’s lives that don’t really require that much effort and too much time.

3. Prepare For The Actual Battle

We never go to a battle unprepared. And we don’t prepare ourselves only, but those around us, too. It is also important to be surrounded by people who can pray for you and encourage you to keep on fighting. The church is the right community for this.

Equipping warriors with the Armor of God in every battle (Ephesians 6:11-13). JEHOVAH NISSI. 🗡️🛡️

Breast cancer support groups, in a way, provide emotional and psychological help and other information based on every patient’s journey. But, we can’t totally rely on them because most of the people in these groups are going through treatments or have a family member who is ill. When one member dies, it can pull the morale of the rest of the members down.

Because when this happens, I know the next questions that will pop into their minds are these, “Lord, am I next? When will my time come?” Questions like these, if they are what occupy the patient’s mind often, will result in depression. And in the webinars I attended, when depression hits, it affects every treatment plan, especially if the patient doesn’t want to eat and take their medications or continue the treatments.

So I actually came up with this mantra to combat depression – we do not mourn the living, we mourn the dead. We can’t be sad all the time and cry over how difficult life is as a sick person. We don’t lose heart, but we keep moving forward. As long as we still breathe, we move forward. We call this in UP as “Padayon.” ✊

4. Pray And Let God Take Control

Once I start with my treatments, I will leave the results to God. Whether I get healed or my condition worsens, I will accept what God’s will is for me. If ever I decide to push through with palliative care, then I will let nature run its own course just like the stance of Ezekiel Emanuel, an oncologist, to refuse all treatments after the age of 75. You may read more about it in the following articles:

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/doctors-argument-living-longer

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-11619519/amp/White-House-oncologist-Obamacare-architect-wants-die-75.html

Can We Ever Get Used To Seeing People Die?

I once asked my second sister who works as a nurse in a nursing home in Norway how she ever got used to seeing patients die. How do you care for someone without getting emotionally attached and not be sad when he/she passes away?

My sister answered that you will never get used to it. You somehow just learn to accept it. I guess we can learn from doctors, too, and how they approach every patient’s case objectively. However, this isn’t always the case like what our pastor shared in church about how one doctor cried because the patient, a member of the congregation, was all good to undergo surgery but suddenly died the next day. And they weren’t expecting it at all.

This is why I have so much respect for doctors. What they do is really not easy. Also, not all patients are the same. There are those who will use 15 minutes of the doctor’s time venting out his/her sob story but still fail to answer directly the doctor’s question of what their concern is. 😁✌️ Then there are those who are sometimes too stubborn to obey doctor’s orders (is that you, Christine? lol). And there are those who blame the doctors when results turn out differently than what they’re expecting (this is definitely not me). But, we all love and care for these patients just the same.

That is why I keep on praying to God that doctors will be given the best support system that they could ever have may it be in the form of trusted friends, a spiritual family, loving parents and siblings, a supportive partner, or awesome kids (even if they can get too rowdy sometimes). And this is also what I was hoping the hospice facility would be able to provide – whatever the dying patient wishes, it will be granted (as long as it is reasonable).

Look To Jesus For Salvation Amid Suffering

Each one of us will go through different ways of dying. Each of these deaths will have its own struggles and pain – except for those who died instantly. We will all go through these struggles before our last breath. And yet we should not be afraid.

Instead, we look up to Jesus and how He conquered death. And yet even His death did not happen in His own timeline. Only God knows when we leave this world. What really matters is what we do with this one life that we have here on Earth.

If we’ve been born again, then we only have one purpose and that is to use our lives for God’s plans and His glory. We are a living testimony of God’s grace through every pain, every sorrow, and every suffering that we encounter in this life. The book of Revelation already gave us a glimpse of what those who endured suffering will get in the end – the promise of eternal life. This is a wonderful place to look forward to because in it there will be no more pain, no more sickness, and no more death. ❤️

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73:26

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” – 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and He will dwell with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” – Revelation 21:1-4

P.S. Here are some videos that I felt like God wanted me to watch as part of our preparation for the hospice project. Again, providing hospice care may or may not materialize in our lifetime, but maybe those who get to read this article might benefit from watching these videos. These videos can be emotionally heavy for some so I suggest being ready with your comfort food, favorite hobby, or a trip someplace else after watching these videos to release all the negative emotions. And don’t forget your rolls of tissue. *sniff*

“5 Things You Should Know When Someone Is Actively Dying”
“How Doctors Tell Patients They’re Dying | Being Mortal | Frontline”
“Before I Die: A Day With Terminally Ill Patients | Death Land #2”
“Inside The Children’s ICU | Episode 4: Facing Death”
“The Last Hours With Our Daughter”
“Brain Cancer: Dying To Live, Living To Die In 4:42 Minutes”

Reconciliation Is Earned

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This is the greatest lesson I’ve learned, so far. Thanks be to God for finding every opportunity to teach me this because I tend to be too stubborn sometimes. 😉 I got the message now, Lord, and I am obeying. 🙏

We are just too blessed to have a God who just never, ever gives up on us and will do everything so we won’t be completely destroyed. That is how much He loves us and how precious we are to Him. ❤️

Lifted from my OUR DAILY BREAD devotional app. 🙏

When Loving Becomes Extraordinaire

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Here’s something short but sweet to start February, which is the month when everybody is smitten. 😉 You are deeply loved and cherished, my dear – with or without a special someone. ❤️

When Loving Becomes Extraordinaire

by Christine Lailani

You’re the only one who captured my heart in a way that nobody else could.

I hear your thoughts, you hear mine – a language that only we know.

Know that I will love every version of you: your young, your old, your calm, your furious, your happy, and your sad.

Because loving you is like loving an extraordinary person – my love extraordinaire.

🌹

“Can You Feel The Love Tonight”

“We love because God first loved us.” – 1 John 4:19

Working Behind The Scenes

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How am I as a worker? I thrive well as a supporter because it’s not in my personality to lead given my introverted personality. I prefer to work in the background and away from the limelight, so I tend to gravitate towards people who are born leaders and have the natural ability to lead diverse groups of people.

As long as they are receptive to suggestions and new ideas (because I have a lot of them) and can execute them well, I would love to work with them even if they get all the credit in the end. 😀 My mind works nonstop, so I need to share these ideas. Otherwise, I’ll go cray cray. lol And when I say “leader,” I don’t mean a boss because there’s a huge difference between the two. You may read more about it here.

To God Be The Glory Always

I am not after the praise of men, but it is my intent to please God and give Him the glory. He, alone, gets to decide if it’s a job well done on my end come Judgment Day. So, what I do in this world will always be between me and Him. To see that my idea worked and a lot of people are benefiting from it – that, to me, is rewarding enough.

Let me just share with you this experience of mine when it comes to my artwork. I’ve received invitations in the past to do commissioned work on portrait sketches. I just said that I’ll try if I have the time because I can’t actually say “no” because I really want to do it. When I see people happy with my work, it makes me happy, too. It’s just that I wanted to give the sketches to them for free because I feel like I am no professional sketch artist. I’m still an apprentice. 😀

And yes, sketching for me is only a hobby. I will end up broke if that is what I will do all the time because I want people to have my sketches as gifts from me. lol Nothing in this world makes a person happier than to receive something special for free. Just like the gift of salvation. ❤️

How We Use Our Gifts Matter To God

The same goes for my talent in writing. During one job interview, I remember the HR manager asking me if I had plans to become an international best-selling author. I told him that no, that was not my dream. Because I want to share my ideas and my talents for free and for the benefit of all just like this blog.

I have plenty of opportunities to monetize this blog ever since I created it back in 2012. But I thought that if I wrote all of these ideas in a book and sold the book, then only a few people would be able to read my ideas. The opportunity will be given only to those who are privileged enough to purchase the book. My personal goal as a writer is to inform as many people as I can in every part of the world as long as they have access to this blog.

For me, a talent or a skill that God has entrusted to us should be used for the greater good of many. While there’s nothing wrong with using this skill or talent to earn a living, our ultimate goal when utilizing these skills should go beyond monetary rewards. And yes, it should also not be for popularity or being famous and being the best. There were some who were called to serve in the limelight, and there were some who were called to serve in the background. This is how the body of Christ functions. And yet if one part is missing, the job cannot be completed.

Working For The One And Only CEO Named GOD

I hope this article will encourage those who feel like they are not getting enough credit for all the efforts they’ve put on at work. I, myself, struggled with this when I was a young professional. But God will always remind me that I am not really working for my bosses, I am working for Him. All of us are actually. In the end, what one does as a loved one or as a professional doesn’t really matter. It’s all about whether what we’re doing pleases God or not. And we all know that God has the highest standards because well, He is God. This means that we have to give our best all the time. No sloppy work in other words.

May our motivation when doing something always be centered on God alone asking Him if what we did was enough or if we can still do more and do so excellently. 🙏

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” – Colossians 3:23-24

P.S. For those who are asking, “What if I already did my best but my best still wasn’t good enough?” Only God can answer this question, so this might mean doing plenty of quiet time with Him. Some would say that God is sometimes silent. I don’t think God is ever silent. Maybe it is our inability to hear Him clearly because of a lot of distractions around us that are hindering us from receiving His instructions. 🙂

P.P.S. I am praying that God will send a “leader” who can help me and my family oversee our agribusiness and other endeavors in the future. 🙏 Applications might have to be reviewed by the board though a.k.a. ze siblings. 😉

Embarking On A Solo Journey

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I find it a little unusual that I am about to embark on a new journey with a new set of challenges and yet I have reached that point where I am at peace with everything. In fact, I’m very much looking forward to this new journey I already listed out so many plans though I know that God can change them any minute according to His will. And yet I am not a bit worried. I believe there’s only one explanation for this – God’s grace. 🙏🙂

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:7

My husband and I have agreed that whether he decides to work abroad or work here in Manila, I will go back to Bicol and live there. In other words, our decision to live separately whether he’s working here or abroad still remains. I told him I just can’t see my purpose here in Manila, and God is calling me to serve there in Bicol. God gave us the opportunity to stay in my hometown during the last quarter of 2022 until 2023 to find out if the provincial life is for him or not, see the situation at the farm, assess what needs to be done, and to also take care of Mom.

What 2022 And 2023 Were All About

The good thing about going back home in 2022 was that we got to see for ourselves that the farm indeed requires a lot of work and our initial plan to have a poultry farm project might have to wait. Our current challenge is the electricity installation which takes quite a long time before the application can be approved since the area is far from the town proper. Without electricity, it’ll be hard to find a farm caretaker who will live on the farm. And without a farm caretaker, we can’t start farm projects that have high-value products.

So, while waiting for the electricity to be installed, I told my husband that I would help him invest his earnings from his work abroad should he decide later on to retire early. And also, he will have a fallback because the future is very unpredictable. We don’t know if the next day there will be a WWIII and economic recession, which will most likely result in retrenchment, repatriation of overseas workers, migration issues, etc.

I’m currently studying recession-proof investment opportunities that won’t incur huge financial losses should the market demand decline given the country’s economic outlook for this year onwards. If God wills it that the investment commences according to the projected timeline, the profit will be added to his savings so he can use it to reinvest for business expansion or to try other investment vehicles. I told him this was my way of returning all the favors he did to help me when we were taking care of Mom at the hospital i.e. driving me to the hospital and back home, buying the meds while I stayed in the hospital room with Mom, massaging Mom because she chose him over me (😀), etc.

What Is It About Bicol As My Favorite Earthly Home

Why go back to Bicol if the farm projects were put on hold? God actually made me realize there are plenty of opportunities that I can explore in our community. I also have this urge to serve and give back to the community since this is our indoctrination in UP as an “Iskolar ng Bayan.” I also have plans to pursue a master’s degree again, but in agribusiness this time if God wills it. I was eyeing Bicol University Graduate School and already inquired back in 2021 if they held online classes for their MS Agribusiness course since face-to-face classes weren’t allowed back then.

Unfortunately, I still have to attend a couple of in-person classes if ever I get in and the campus is in Guinobatan, Albay. I did find another option offered by Bicol University Open University which is their Master in Management course. But, I still prefer a degree that is related to agribusiness. I just thought my siblings and I would benefit from this once we take over our family’s agribusiness. The transition has already started and my siblings and I need to learn everything double time because we don’t have any formal training/basic education in farming and agriculture. It was easy for Dad to manage farm duties because his work as a Civil Engineer at the National Irrigation Administration somehow made it possible for him to hit 2 birds with 1 stone.

Dare To Dream, Care To Serve

I was also considering going back to teaching as a faculty in college and teaching English Literature though I will be more effective in handling Writing classes. I could use my work experience since 2017 as a content writer in the digital marketing/e-commerce industry, which is one of the in-demand jobs right now. Another great opportunity that I am looking into is conducting summer writing workshops for high school and college students. I can also explore teaching opportunities in SpEd (Special Education). If God wills it, I also plan to pursue a doctorate degree much later on in life if it is still necessary.

It is also my dream to work in the public office and be part of the marketing/public relations division. I am also contemplating if it’ll be better if I become a public school teacher instead and help train young minds to create a resilient future. I studied in public schools my entire student life from grade school until grad school, and I observed that there is still more that can be done with our current educational systems. But if I will be a teacher in high school or grade school, I will need to renew my professional license and take CPD units for teachers.

Always Searching For God’s Will In Everything

Yes, the opportunities are endless. And yet it all boils down to knowing what we really want, and if what we want is also aligned to what God wants for us. Choosing for me is difficult because I have to carefully weigh the options considering other priorities and obligations, which will include farm duties. I am forever grateful to God though for these opportunities and yet I know these career goals and plans to pursue graduate studies can only happen given that I am 100% healthy. If not, working from home is the only choice I have.

So, I decided it would be best to rent a place in Sorsogon City and stay there from Friday until Monday because I will be attending Sunday church services in Victory Sorsogon. I already inquired about their Victory group/Bible study group, but unfortunately, they only meet during weekdays. So I’m praying I’ll find one that meets on Friday or Monday because from Tuesday to Thursday, I plan to be in my hometown, which is a 2-hour trip from Sorsogon City. I also plan on doing volunteer work in the church, so I have to be in the city during weekends.

Looking for a safe place to stay in Sorsogon City will be my first task when I get back to Bicol. I see it as the top priority, especially if I will need regular medical consultations, checkups, and treatments. Traveling back and forth from Bulan to Sorsogon City on a regular basis won’t be advisable. And I also don’t want to be a burden to my husband or my family because I know how emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting it is to take care of a sick loved one.

Health Is Always Wealth, As They Say

The result of my repeated urinalysis last December actually showed that my RBC is still high even after a week of taking antibiotics, and it is still above the normal range. My second sister who’s a nurse in Norway told me I still have an infection and she’s suspecting it’s from dislodged kidney stones, and I might be asymptomatic for now. I actually have not met up yet with an internist at St. Luke’s Hospital because I don’t want to distract my husband since he is currently preparing for his exam. If I will be required to undergo further tests, it will definitely disrupt his plans. I am going back to Bicol anyway, and the doctors there might require that all of my tests should be repeated. So I thought I might as well do the tests when I’m already there.

The only other symptoms I have now are the rashes on my cheeks triggered by prolonged sun exposure when my husband and I started planting the forage plants last year. These skin flare-ups subside every time I take Coaltria, and I take this medicine daily. Coaltria was prescribed by my ENT doctor in 2022 for my severe allergic rhinitis.

I did a little bit of research and my rashes looked like a butterfly rash. I also have trigger fingers or it could be early signs of arthritis. And this led me to think that maybe I have lupus just like Kris Aquino. By the way, one thing you need to know about me is that if my Mom had white coat syndrome, I’m the opposite because I’m a hypochondriac. lol

So I did my research on lupus and found this ongoing study by Yale School of Medicine on how the lupus antibody can be used to treat breast cancer and ovarian cancer. Speaking of breast cancer, I am hoping Mom’s oncologist there in Bicol will be my doctor, too (Hello, Doc Leones! 😊). I hope he still has a Saturday schedule at the hospital in Sorsogon City where Mom was confined. He already knows our breast cancer history so maybe it might help in studying my case. I also would like to ask him about BRCA 1/2 gene mutation testing and know what my options are to reduce the risks of getting breast cancer if I don’t have it yet. My doctor will most probably say, “Christine, we have a lot of work to do because you’ve been delaying your medical checkup for a long time.” Well Doc, I guess Science can never come up with a cure for stubbornness. lol But of course, my answer will be something like this: “I’ve been preparing for it, Doc. Let’s get started, it’s about time.“

Seeing Problems Differently

I actually have a different approach when looking at problems. This is maybe the result of training myself over the years to always look at things from a different perspective and to go beyond what exactly is presented in front of you more like looking for the good in every bad situation. Or person even. So let’s say my doctor tells me I need to go through chemotherapy. Instead of looking negatively at the side effects of chemo, I’m going to see going bald, for instance, as an opportunity to try different hairstyles through wigs. I also get to try new hair colors because my hair is resistant to any type of hair dye.

So before my chemo session starts, I will already shave my head and start using a wig. I won’t wait until my hair starts falling off one by one because it will only trigger anxiety and depression. I already witnessed it with Mom. I just did not tell her because she loved it every time I combed her hair. I told her instead that the “Donya” hair bun I made for her looked really good on her. 😊 I also want to test if it’s uncomfortable to wear a wig for a long time, especially during hot and humid days.

If my doctor also tells me that it is best if I undergo a double mastectomy/lumpectomy like what my grandmother had (she lived up to 93 years old and Mom had a unilateral mastectomy in the 1990s before her breast cancer recurred), I am also going to look at it as an opportunity to maybe have my “dream breasts” should I opt to have breast reconstruction surgery later on. I call them “dream breasts” because they look like the ones that some actresses have which don’t move to the sides when lying down. 😁✌️

If I still have extra funds and my health is back to normal, I would like to use these funds to sponsor a child battling cancer who lacks the finances to get all the treatments.

God Does Things His Way Though We Can Also Have Prayer Requests

Right now, I’m actually in the process of bargaining with God that I’ll do anything He asks even if I sacrifice a lot of things but in return, He keeps me healthy because I still have a lot of things that I want to do and accomplish not only for me but for other people, too, such as the hospice facility.

The plan actually was originally intended for me and my siblings when we grow old because my eldest sister is the only one among us who has kids. I am targeting that the hospice facility will be completed once we’re in our late 60s if God wills it we reach this age. That will be 30 to 40 years from now. Maybe by then, a hospice facility will be feasible enough. If not, then my proposition is that we will use the project site for our retirement homes instead.

We are a family of planners. However, we are also well aware that plans change. I also look like I have already planned out everything and yet believe me when I say that these are the times when I just don’t have everything figured out.

I actually shared with one of my spiritual moms in church (Hi, Tita Lulu! 🥰) last year that I plan to use the remaining months of 2023 and the first few months of 2024 to sort out my life. She answered me with the best response, “Anak, hindi ikaw ang magaayos ng life mo kundi ang Dios. Hayaan mo Sya. Let go of the need to control everything, and let God take control.”

What Are We Leaving Behind That Will Not Be Forgotten

So why share all of these with the world? I know the world has this rule to not share your plans, but share the accomplishments and what you have achieved so far. We live in a result-oriented world where success is measured by achievements and accolades. The Bible also has a similar reminder to not say that you plan to put up a business in a particular place and make a profit from it. But the Bible also mentioned that we can actually say so but in a way that God will still have the final say on how our plans will turn out (James 4:13-17).

I just want to add that our intentions for sharing are what we should actually look into because I believe not everything we share is about boasting. Personally, I intend to share my life’s journey whether I fail or succeed in my endeavors. I’m a divergent and I don’t conform to the patterns of this world so my definition of success is different from the world’s definition of it. It is also not my purpose to make this blog a bragging wall. I believe that the process itself is as important as the result. My readers can learn from my experience and avoid making the same mistakes I did.

This is why I called my blog “The Journeyman’s Moments.” I am an apprentice, a student of life. The journey matters to me more. This blog is the legacy I want to leave behind as long as the IoT is here to stay. Because I don’t know if I will still be here tomorrow, next week, next month, or in the years to come. I hope that all the experiences I shared here will offer ideas and insights to whoever will stumble upon this blog in the future.

Thus, I am embracing and once again sharing this new journey with an open mind, a brave heart, and a grateful soul. And yet more importantly, I ask, “What else do You have in store for me in this new season, Lord, that You want me to share with the world?” 🙏

P.S. This is a very long read because I might not be able to share some updates once these plans start rolling, and I become extremely busy. But, I promise to find the time to share every twist and turn of my life’s journey. I also want to write a poem or two for you all because well, “love month” is here. Share the love, as they say. But I say, share it every day. ❤️😉

P.P.S. Stay tuned if the plans I listed above panned out as expected or if God has a different plan like 100% totally different. 😀

When God Answers Differently

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I saw this photo on Facebook, and I felt like it is worth sharing here. It reminded me how often God answers our requests and prayers differently. But always, He gives an answer. 🙏🙂

Ctto

‭
“Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.” – James‬ ‭5:7‭-‬8‬ ‭ESV‬