The musings of a wandergeselle about faith, literature, music, dancing, culture, food, travels, art, fashion, photography, life experiences, and everything in-between from journée to journée.
Yes, it feels good to be reunited with your baby love. I mean your dearly beloved pet. 😉
Peekah is like a baby girl to me. I rescued her and her sister when they were just 3weeks old. I raised them both as if they were my own kids. Unfortunately, her sister Peekie died and we don’t know the cause of her death because it was so sudden.
Any sudden loss is heartbreaking. Because you didn’t have time to prepare yourself for it i.e. how to slowly detach yourself emotionally, acceptance, etc.
But like any grievances, time will heal them. So it was just me and Peekah. I am still grateful Peekah survived tho I know that she, too, will be staying with me temporarily.
But I guess one thing that always amazes me and one thing I thank God for is the emotional bond that a person and his/her pet shares. They both were created differently and yet there is this one thing that binds them both and that is the emotion.
It is the heart that is responsible for our emotions tho governed by the mind. Cats can’t talk but they have a heart. It is just amazing how much value God put in our hearts may you belong in a different kingdom so you could connect with another specie from another kingdom.
Peekah still can recognize and remember my voice though I get to see her only about twice a year. I could see how excited she gets every time I arrive and I call out her name.
And yes, the kind of bonding we had when she was still a kitten and what we have now is still the same. And if I need to name what emotion is responsible for that, it would be this: LOVE.
You may call me mushy and all but that is just the way I am. I need not apologize for that, you can just ask my Creator why He made me this way. 😉
Let me share to you a little secret. It is a secret because there are only 2 people, me and a closest friend, who knows his real name.
Yes, him. Not my fiance though but a guy I met in church before I met my fiance.
I was going through a tough time 3 years back. I just got out of a terrible relationship then faith was introduced to me.
They say that a gaze, a penetrating gaze, can send multiple messages without even speaking. That is how I got to know him. He was single, I was on a period of recovery and enjoying my single life again and there was this Singles’ getaway.
I blamed that gaze we had with each other. That single look that sent something down to my soul – a look that I could not forget. But, at that time I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. I wanted God to mend my heart first and listen to Him when He says that that guy is the one for you. Besides, I cannot base my emotions solely on a meaningful gaze whatever the message may be.
I felt it, he was interested. I can tell by his actions that he is. But I acted as if I didn’t notice him, that I am not interested. Because I am not yet ready to be in a relationship.
A year passed. I would see him in church every now and then. I waited. I was patiently waiting for him to make the move. What I felt for him didn’t change. I wanted to know him more but it is not appropriate for me to pursue him. It’s not a woman’s role.
I prayed. I included him even in my faith goals. I would check his profile every now and then because he is my friend on Facebook. Well, there’s nothing much to see in his profile but I still would check it. Stalker mode on, yes. 😉
2 years passed. I was becoming impatient. I asked God to give me a sign if I should hold on to that special gaze he and I shared. I asked God if I should hold on to that certain feeling I have for him. Though I can’t say it is love but I can tell it is something special.
Then the sign came.
I checked his Facebook profile, I saw a picture. He already has a girlfriend.
Ouch. I got the answer. It hurt me a lot. All those two years of waiting ended up in vain. I was so broken again that the urge to delete him was so tempting but I know it was not right. I just unfollowed him so I would not see his updates in my news feed.
I cried a lot, it was another heartbreak. I asked God a lot of questions. Why do I have to feel those emotions with him if we will not end up together? Would things be different if I somehow showed him a sign that I am interested with him too? Would it have made a difference if I made a way to get to know him? Why didn’t he pursue me?
I had no answers, I was in pain. But God slowly healed me again. Way faster this time because the Spirit is already within me. I just learned to accept things the way they are. Then better opportunities came along and I started to think of him less. But he was the only Christian guy in church that I had a crush on. 🙂
A couple of months later, I was back to my lively self not worrying about anything and moving on from the past. I met my fiance. He is a Christian but not as devoted as my crush. But the attraction was also there.
He pursued me, we went out on dates and I got to know him more. I included him in my faith goals too. I asked God to give me a sign and to prevent me from making a decision that I will regret later on. He laid down his intentions and I said yes to be his girlfriend.
Our relationship didn’t start as smooth sailing as I expected and I had a hard time inviting my boyfriend at that time to join a bible study group in our church. He declined but he does go to church with me. Every time we have a conflict I would always point the reason why to the idea that he is not so devoted when it comes to faith.
Then I would ask, was it a mistake that I chose him? Am I now suffering the consequences of making that mistake? But God would always assure me I am where I should be. If it was a mistake, God can still turn it into something beautiful so long as He sees we are honoring Him in the relationship.
But I am starting to lose hope and yet when he proposed, I said yes. I felt it right at that time. And I believe God was asking me to stay. But I was so disillusioned by the thought that I was unequally yoked. I would even pray to God if it will really work out. But God told me to trust Him.
Came an opportunity wherein I asked my fiance over the phone just last night with this, “Honey, if ever you get rich, what would be the first thing you’re gonna do with your money?”
The answer that came made me smile with gladness:
“Ever since I was in high school, it was my dream to donate to our mother church so we can have it air-conditioned and add a second floor because I owe it to them the faith I have now.”
It was an answer that I wasn’t prepared to hear. I couldn’t reply for a moment and when I did speak, it was only a “wow” that I could blurt out followed by another pause. And more smiling. 😀
I need not think anymore that he wanted to please me that is why he said it nor his sincerity for saying it. He said it with his own words without me giving a hint what kind of answer is good for that question.
I was tongue-tied at that moment because God taught me to never underestimate His power and grace. I know it is God who touched my fiance’s heart. It was so different to hear him say such things. And I know that everything that happened in the past was all part of His plans. Nothing is ever a mistake when you rely on God and not on yourself or anybody.
And I now have the answers re my crush. I wasn’t really prepared to be in a relationship back then because it was only in this relationship now that God is preparing me. I cannot be a best partner if I am not at my best and be complete in God. And I only get to appreciate what it means to be a Christian and how it is to be a Christian in a relationship just now.
I told God that after a violent breakup with my ex boyfriend I don’t and I cannot see myself able to love again as my heart will grow numb because of the pain. But what I felt for my crush was God telling me that I still am capable of loving a man. And that it is not my fate to be forever single. He prepared my heart at that time so to speak.
The future is so full of beautiful promises. I can see that. God, I know, lets things happen amazingly and surprisingly. But what I am expecting and hoping now might not be what God has planned. And that is why He wants me to trust, obey and hope in Him – completely, come what may.
Who knows, one day I get to say this again: I was so wrong all along. 🙂
I have been warned. I was educated. I was trained.
Yet I found myself in an unfavorable situation that could have erupted from the missed warnings. Or it was meant to be.
I question. Would love to question. Yet I can only accept. But do what I have now meant to be mine in the first place? Or again, it was the outcome of my deaf ears and a stubborn heart?
I have been hearing it. I have been seeing it. I have been feeling it. Everywhere I go. The signs are there. I know people have been praying for me, they wanted to protect me.
Protect me from what?
From falling into that state of oblivion, of being in limbo – the battle between good and evil.
Devoted but unequally yoked – this, I know, could be my sweetest downfall. Those who have met me may have prophesied it already. They are the ones who keep me on the right track. They will pray until I will be brought out of the pit. They pray for a sacrifice of letting go.
And yet there are those who pray that I stay. For God never gives us more than what we can handle. They believe it is yet a period in my spiritual journey where God is in the process of changing me so He could complete me. They pray for endurance, love and courage that I may overcome it.
A crossroad is never a good spot to be in. It is prone to collisions. It sets you in a state of confusion. It either gives life or death. Just like being in limbo.
In faith, a wrong decision could lead to spiritual death or it leads to the dawn of a new you. But one thing’s for sure, it will change you.
For this season, I am basically learning a lot about love and relationships in general. I get to apply what I learned and it is only now that I can say that our spiritual journey indeed never starts and ends in reading the bible, going to church and having fellowship with your sisters in Christ.
In this season, God is teaching me how to love the most unlovable; to understand and to have self – control when you wanted to have your way; to be calm when all you wanted was to flare up; to forgive always though you have been hurt countless of times; to ask for forgiveness because you have sinned again and was tested to the limit; to force yourself to trust despite of the dark past; to believe though your mind tells you otherwise; to be patient when all you wanted was to leave; to accept things when all you wanted was to change them; to sacrifice and give without expecting anything in return.
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, wehave peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And weboast in the hope of the glory of God.Not only so, but wealso glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;perseverance, character; and character, hope.And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” – Matthew 5: 1-8 NIV
Yes, what we all need in this world is love. A love like how our God loved us.
“Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” – 1 John 4:8
“Three things will last forever – faith, hope, and love -and the greatest of these is love.” – 1 Corinthians 13:13 NLT
It was through my devotion that the Spirit convicts me every time I am on the verge of quitting and setting aside things once and for all. I wanted to go back to who I was – not distracted in serving the Lord. And yet, it is also the Spirit who would pacify me that I am where I am supposed to be. I needed to get through this in order to continue on in my spiritual journey. God placed them all in my hands not to see me fail but to see me triumph over them. I remembered my brother advising me that what I should focus on is not the tip of the iceberg but what’s at the bottom which is bigger than what I am seeing for now. He would always tell me to look at the bigger picture, do not focus on the problem but focus more on the goal, the mission which is honoring God.
Obedience by action is by far the hardest. Easier said than done as the saying goes. But it is how God wanted us to be sanctified each and every single day – forming a deeper relationship by becoming more and more like Him every single day in our thoughts, our words and our actions.
To be Christ-like is to slowly die to your old self every single day which means carrying your own “cross” and lift it until time comes that is finished, the mission is accomplished and you are completely changed.
“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”
– PAULO COEHLO, The Devil and Miss Prym
God is telling me to obey and trust Him while waiting for His plans to unfold in His perfect time though at times I may fail. And this is what keeps me for now:
“My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.” – Psalms 73:26 NLT
Yes, I was convicted by the Spirit. Yet again, for the nth time. 😉
I woke up today and remembered it is our 14th monthsary with my fiance. I greeted him and he did the same. But I was vying more on how the world defines celebrations – gifts, dates, cards and flowers. Those were my expectations.
The question is: what if my fiance did not meet my expectations?
That exactly happened. For it is human frailty to set worldly expectations and I am guilty of that. But does that mean that he loves me less? Should I feel bad that it appears I am unappreciated? My initial human emotional reaction was to feel exactly all that. But when I opened my devotion for today, that was when the rebuke happened:
“Contentment springs from trusting God as our supplier and gratefully accepting what He provides.” – ODB
And the Spirit guided me to the following bible verses:
“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.Seek the Kingdom of Godabove all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.” – Matthew 6: 31-33
“I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.” – Philippians 4:12
What God wanted me to learn is to be content in everything so I won’t become selfish and greedy. For it is in discontentment that the selfish nature of humans arise – the need to have more and more and more. Be patient and be grateful in anything and in everything that the Lord gives us.
I have to look at the things that are far more valuable that my fiance was able to give me and continues to give me. I have to look deeper into their intrinsic values and remember that my worth and his love for me can never be measured by the material things I receive from him for only God defines both.
Unconditional love, time, patience, forgiveness, acceptance, understanding, sacrifices…I began counting all the other things that he did for me and I realized he has given me so much more than I deserve, more than I needed and yet I barely even appreciated them until now. They were these kind of things that my fiance continues to give me each and every single day which keeps our relationship going that are far more valuable than material gifts, lavish dates and “romantic” stuff.
These are things that I should be extremely grateful for. Because they are the things that exemplify what matters to God most. It is not about my fiance pleasing me, nor me pleasing him but it is about pleasing God.
To love is to be selfless, and to demand is to be selfish. Be content, be appreciative and be happy in God and His blessings. It is always about giving your most valuable assets that are far beyond incomparable to material possessions and yet the hardest to give and never all about receiving that we learn to love others.
I do not intend to tell the world about the second coming of Jesus in a way that most people know i. e. placards with those words written on it, preaching about how sinful men are, that our time is short, etc. for back when I was still a non believer, I used to treat them all nonchalantly with a little bit of contempt, cynicism and scorn. I may have received it that way but I didn’t know that the seed was already being implanted.
I believe those who preached the Good News this way in the past were God’s disciples called to do exactly that at that time. Now, I believe, God has a different set of tasks to the newly saved believers to continue the mission that those before us have left in our charge now. There was no social media at that time. 🙂
I don’t need to tell people anymore of what they already know – Jesus’ second coming is near. What I intend to do, on the other hand, is to share to people how it is to prepare for that second coming and the things that most people clearly do not understand. These are the things that are far too basic, far too common and yet most commonly misunderstood and oftentimes disregarded.
Which leads me to the concept of this very simple word: LOVE.
Love is the overused word in the dictionary that permeates with everything. It goes on with a lot of definitions, given in a whole lot of different contexts and manifested in a whole lot of different actions.
So why this word?
I may not understand how everything is interrelated in the following series of events that I will discuss but all I know is that they all centered on one common theme which is LOVE and I have to share them all because the Spirit has prodded me to.
Scenario 1
I lead a small bible study group in church of young, single, female professionals.
Scenario 2
I am in a relationship now and engaged to a fellow Christian.
Scenario 3
Dreams, signs and wonders.
For Scenario 1, it started through my coaching group when our coaching leader assigned chapters of The Purpose Driven Life to each one of us to discuss. It was my first time to read the book. I believe God intended I read it just now. It is this book that spearheaded my passion in fulfilling the mission that Christ has left for us to do. I used the chapters on missions as our discussion platform for my small group. Which led me to buying my own copy of the book but I ended up buying a different but somehow similar book also by Pastor Rick Warren called “Better Together: What on Earth Are We Here For?“.
Better Together by Ptr. Rick Warren
And it was also through this book especially with the first few chapters that led me to the concept of LOVE and what it means in God’s eyes which I am now discussing with my bible study group. To quote some passages:
“Life is all about love and developing relationships – with God and with other people. You may succeed in many areas, but if you fail to love God and love others, you’ll have missed the reason God created you and placed you in this planet.”
“Real love is placing the needs of others before your own. It is making your problem, my problem…It is giving to another without any guarantee of getting anything back. It is giving others what they need, not what they deserve. Although love can create feelings, love is not a feeling. It is a choice, an action, a way of behaving, a commitment. Love is sacrificing for others.”
I remembered a few days back, I saw one status update on my Facebook news feed that really touched me. I wanted to share it at that time but something held me back so I just saved the link. I didn’t know that I would be needing it now to emphasize more of the passages I have written above. It is a short film entitled “Blind Devotion.”
And this will lead us to my Scenario 2, my relationship with my fiance. He is not as devoted as I am, but I can feel that the seed is already there. God gave him to me at a time that both of us did not expect. I was a patient due for eye surgery and he was the nurse. Our love story started there and the rest was history. But as times passed by, we went through what every couple would go through – conflicts, happiness, rage, patience, forgiveness, hurt, pain, joy, laughter…every emotion, every situation – we went through them as a couple. We have been together as a couple for only a year but we have learned so much about each other, how to value a relationship and having God in it except for this: LOVE as how God would define it.
Then came a point I wanted to give him up, he wanted to give up too. We talked but still ended up together. Then he asked me this question, “What is it that makes you stay with me though I have hurt you so many times, you have suffered so much for me, I have made so many mistakes, I keep on failing you and yet you always forgive me? I want to know why.”
I was silent for a time and this thought came to me and I explained why I am like that to him is because of God and my love for Him. God loved us so much He gave us His only son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for our sins though we do not deserve it. I told him I want to honor my God that is why I want to honor the commitment and honor him by learning the art of God’s love expounded in 1 Corinthians 13.
This happened just yesterday and when I woke up today, I read my devotion of the day in Our Daily Bread and I broke into tears, because it was an affirmation that I said the right thing to my fiance. This was the bible verse:
“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” – Matthew 18: 21-22
March 6 Devotion: ODB
God has forgiven us. So we, too, should forgive those who sinned against us. To quote yet again passages from “Better Together”:
“Jesus says we are to be to one another what He is to us. The love of Christ is self-less, sacrificial, and submitted to the Father’s will. His standard of love is personal – reaching out to the undeserving, looking past their faults and into the desperate needs of their hearts.”
This kind of love now leads us to Scenario 3 – dreams, signs and wonders. I have been having dreams about me and my fiance the past several days which are bad dreams that dealt with my fears of him doing what he is not supposed to do and yet I felt they were all too real in those dreams. I always wake up with a heavy feeling until this morning.
My dream was about my fiance and I and we were supposed to board a bus headed for Baguio City but we got separated because of the huge crowd of commuters. I hopped in on a van instead and was surprised to see my ex boyfriend inside. We chatted for a while but then I noticed the destination name plate of the van and it was headed for Laguna (both my ex and my fiance now reside there). I asked the driver to stop then hurriedly went down the van and waited beside the road for a bus to come along headed towards Baguio City.
Then came a group of women who looked familiar walking towards me but I haven’t seen them yet in real life. Found out they were also headed for Baguio City so we waited for a bus then when one came, we boarded the bus, which was like a 12-seater, and there were only a few of us inside. Then that’s the time I woke up.
The night before, one of the verses in my devotion was Matthew 13:36. I read it but was too sleepy I didn’t understand it clearly. When I woke up today, I felt the urge to reread the verse but I forgot the verse so I randomly chose Matthew 13:3 which led me to the parables. It was all about the harvest and almost the entire chapter are highlighted in red which I don’t normally see in the bible app that I am using. So it means, the chapter I am reading is very significant.
The Parable of the Farmer
It is not a coincidence that my Discipleship 2015 training in church tomorrow has a key verse which is all about the harvest and the ministry that I volunteer in, which is a community outreach ministry, has a training on Urban Farming come this Sunday.
Neither it is a coincidence that after my devotion when I woke up today and checked my phone, I got a notification from a friend of mine regarding a video that she shared with me on Twitter. Here it is:
I cried after watching it. Because I now know the significance of it all. Everything is now crystal clear to me. It is indeed near. And what God was telling me the past days about love is that it is this kind of love that we need to exert to bring more people closer to Him despite of the conflicts and the differences.
“God says we must DECIDE to love one another. We’re to love other believers regardless of how we feel about them or how unlovable they may appear. No matter how difficult it may seem, we’re to actively, consistently, and deeply love the believers God brings into our lives, our congregations – and our small group.” – Better Together
“As members of God’s family, we must choose to love, not who to love.” – Better Together
And I believe this is the message that God wanted for us to understand now. The second coming is near, the more that we have to exemplify what Jesus did extending His love not just to His disciples but to those who are least likely to be loved. Just like the way that God is using my relationship with my fiance to master having that kind of love that is of God’s and not our worldly definition of it. I have been stumbling upon random verses from different books in the bible that have his name in it since last week, which is Joseph. I even joked my fiance our first baby boy will be named Zaphen derived from Zaphenath – Paneah which is the Egyptian name that the Pharaoh gave to Joseph when he appointed him as leader of his officials. This was one of the bible stories I read just a couple of days ago.
The story of Joseph, the dream interpreter.
I now understand why God gave him to me – I am being prepared for a mission and as my mate, he too is being prepared by God because the time is near for the harvesters to harvest this land. My interpretation of my dream today was very overwhelming, I wept. I wept because I know what it means – the message is very clear.
My fiance and I are due for a road trip with his childhood friend and his girlfriend to Baguio City over the weekend. I have visited the place countless of times and it was during one of my hikes at La Trinidad in Benguet, a province in Baguio City, that I was completely amazed by God’s bountiful and beautiful creations at its best. I was on top of a very high mountain after a treacherous hike and what I saw in front me was what I called in my previous article as “heaven here on Earth” because you see nothing else but a sea of clouds. And for me, it was very symbolic of my faith. The treacherous hike, wherein I almost fell off a cliff, was a matter of pain, suffering, life and death. But if you were able to overcome it all, the Kingdom of Heaven is waiting for you above, on top of it and no amount of words could describe how it feels to be there.
Last 3/3 marked my 3rd year since I got saved as a Christian last 3/3/13. The movie Son of God was released on that date too. And this coming 3/13, which falls on a Friday, I have a great feeling it is going to be a significant date as well. The verse regarding the parables can be found in Matthew 13:3 too. Most of my daily verses that I encounter came from the Gospel of Matthew. I did my research and the Gospel of Matthew is considered by scholars as the summary of Jesus’ ministry. It tells of Jesus sending His disciples to preach His Gospel to the whole world. It is also one of the four canonical gospels and it connects the old and the new testament. (wikipedia.org) I know for a non believer you will say it is all coincidence. But I say, as a believer, they are all signs from the Spirit.
Which led me to wonder on these passages written in that chapter:
“That is why I use these parables,
For they look, but they don’t really see. They hear but they don’t really listen or understand.” – Matthew 13:13
After these revelations, I only wept. And in between sobs, this was all I could utter in prayer:
“Lord help me to make them understand. Teach me to love them like how You have loved us.”
My brother is one of my spiritual mentors. He was the one who introduced me to the church and eventually to my faith. I know God appointed him to be that and I can attest through the role that my brother is playing in my life right now. He gave me a planner last year by Paulo Coehlo which contains quotations on life and faith. Each month has a designated character trait and last Christmas, he gave me the same planner. And now I know why. For this month, the character trait is this: COURAGE.
March: COURAGE
And this is the quotation for today:
“The only sin is a lack of LOVE. Be brave, be capable of LOVE, even if LOVE seems a treacherous, terrible thing. Take pleasure in LOVE. Take pleasure in VICTORY.”
The Valkyries by Paulo Coehlo
This may be the longest post I have written here on WordPress but I know every word here is all God’s plan because the mission for us all is starting to get clearer and He requires us to act on that mission. 🙂
Paulo Coehlo Planner 2015, The Holy Bible, Our Daily Bread, Better Together – my daily meal. 🙂
How often do we hear this statement after our surrender and moment of salvation?
Yes, it always is a victorious feat upon an encounter with the Lord, Jesus Christ. A turning point but in actuality, a never ending battle. A believer’s journey never ends in the water baptism and baptism of the Holy Spirit.
In fact, allow me to provide a brief run-down why every spiritual journey is like a horse shoe.
1. Life is not storm-free.
God intended for us to be prepared by making our lives a storm-proof life by giving us His armor and shield – the hope that we cling to through the Cross.
2. The enemy is always at work too.
Salvation is breaking free from the stronghold of the dark forces, our evil self, the common nature of our past.
3. Not everyone will believe what you say.
This is the moment of persecution and rejection that every believer must face when sharing his testimony and being bold about faith.
4. Prayers do go unanswered.
Blessings may come but they may not be in the form of how you expected them to be. There is sometimes a deafening silence from God every time you pray.
But….
There is one gift that we all could use in keeping balance with what I have mentioned above and that is free will. But free will never go unrestrained, for that is not how God meant it to be used. It only means that we have a choice in doing the right thing that is pleasing in the eyes of the Lord within the limits of faith and Christianity and in accordance to God’s will still. God wanted us to choose Him, to seek Him and that we will use the gift He has given us in doing exactly that.
It is a spiritual warfare that we, Christians and believers, deal with every single day. And I believe it is in this warfare that we have to use our free will to choose positivity by hoping on the message of the Cross. Day by day, it is a struggle. Without a positive outlook, all hopes are gone. Neither can we withstand the trials of faith and none will survive the warfare without it.
There is a time to be low but there is such a thing as resiliency. Bounce back if you must and higher this time around. It doesn’t matter how many times you have bounced, just make you sure you bounce back higher every time until you finally reach your goal – mission accomplished.
Now that is the positive spirit – breaking one barrier at a time, every time. 🙂
That was what my surgeon, Dr. Ang, would tell me when I had my femtosecond lasik surgery on both eyes as a study patient at Asian Eye Institute last November 2013. I was overjoyed upon hearing I passed the initial screening considering I am a myopic with a 7.50 grade on both eyes, a .25 astigmatism on my right eye and my test results confirmed I have a thin cornea. This proposed as a problem among the research team as any miscalculation during the surgery will be considered fatal. Yes, I am what eye experts would call as legally blind. It was my very first surgery and I was extremely nervous. It is actually very ironic because I have never been confined in a hospital, never loved the idea, and yet there I was having my eye surgery – 100% conscious. 🙂
My brother accompanied me to AEI and stayed there until the time came that I was ushered into the clean room 30 minutes prior to prepare for the procedure. Drops were placed on my eyes and I cannot give you the specifics as to what kind of drops they were. (Sorry, I am not a medical professional.) 😉
While waiting, I saw nothing except for a blur because I am not wearing my eyeglasses anymore. I was sitting pretty and comfy then my name was called. A nurse guided me inside the operating room and I could not even see where the procedure will take place. Oh poor eyesight, poor me indeed.
I just sat and lied down where they instructed me and I sort of relied on my other senses for most of the session – sense of touch most definitely and my sense of hearing. Then I heard my doctor’s voice explaining what we are about to go through and I just nodded staring at the ceiling. Or something else? I am not so sure as I really could not tell because everything was really a blur.
Then came the squishy water poured over my eyes and I could see a bright light, probably the ones used during surgical procedures. A machine hovered over my eyes and I felt pressure. They did this for each eye then I saw a thin piece of metal being inserted to clip my eyelids which would prevent my eyes from closing during the operation. Then more liquid came gushing into my eyes and what I remembered next was a very thin and tiny piece of rod used to scrape my cornea and to lift it up.
After they did this, I totally saw nothing. It was all white, not even silhouettes or shadows. Then came Dr. Ang’s words reminding me to look at the red light. That was the time they started using the laser to correct the shape of my cornea and enhance my visual acuity. I could smell burning flesh. It is a good thing though I didn’t throw up but I am so close to panic mode with a heartbeat racing faster than the normal. Now this is probably the reason why Dr. Ang would always remind me to look at the red light. My eyes are trying to look for something. That was my first feeling on how it is to be completely blind. Almost complete darkness but I can see no lines, no movement, no anything except for a very faint red light from a distance which I so tried to search and focus on.
Just like the Truth and the Light.
Imagine yourself in a dark, deep pit. You see nothing around you, tried to grope around you but the darkness is too overwhelming it suffocates your entire being. It clings on to you as if of a cloak that you cannot just take off every time you want to. Then you see a very, very tiny light from afar. So tiny you would find it difficult to focus on.
BUT then again, you are too scared to let that light pass you by so you stared at it far too long. You reached out your hand to take hold of it so it wouldn’t escape you. Then just as sudden as you have reached out your hand, the light started to become bigger and bigger. Until you felt yourself being lifted slowly, bit by bit, out of that dark, deep pit.
Alas, you saw the light. You now see everything more clearly. And it was a wonderful feeling. Until now, it still is.
No longer will you settle to be surrounded by darkness but you will try harder to search for that light. Every time the claws of darkness will take hold of you, you try every effort and every ounce of strength in you to escape it. Because you know that “at the end of every tunnel there comes light.”
A guiding force will lead you out of the struggle – out of the pit, out of the darkness. A force that is more powerful than anything in this world. The force came in the form of a man. The man who, though was brought to pain and suffering, became the light that shone all through mankind. The light that can never be extinguished, that stood shining above all peril in all its darkness.
Jesus Christ was and is that Light.
Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” – John 14:6
He came to be with us, because He loved us first. As I savor in this light, I know my love for Him will be my passage to reclaiming that light in moments that it becomes dim. But I know for certain, it will never diminish and for as long as I see that light, there is hope. And I will cling on to that until the Lord’s work in me is done.
I live for only one thing – to glorify my God, the living Father. He lives in you and me. Do not depart from the light, seek it with all your heart. Then, you will know how it really feels to be saved and to be loved. 🙂
The news re Robin Williams’ death saddened me and reminded me of what I went through battling depression. The reason I took Special Education now is for me to understand myself more. Because the moment you realized you are different than others, you will seek for ways to help yourself and you want to help others too who may be going through the same thing.
Most of you think I am naturally gifted with those “talents.” The truth is that they are skills I acquired to help me combat depression without the medications. Doing art, playing the guitar, photography, dancing, writing and all my other hobbies all helped me take my mind off those depressive thoughts – they sidetrack all feelings of anxiety, paranoia, and fear.
I attempted to commit suicide twice. The one suicide incident wherein I was almost successful doing it was in 2012 after a very stressful and violent breakup.
BUT it was also on that same year when I got SAVED. I was introduced to the faith on January 2012 and made my altar call during the Singles’ Getaway last September 2012. I created this blog on October 2012, which now became my “megaphone” for my faith and my spiritual journey.
If I have been vocal about my faith in all social networking sites, it is not because I seek for attention nor for popularity but because I intend to share the FAITH that saved me from committing the greatest sin that one could ever do while alive. And I also hope to encourage those who are on the verge of losing hope as well to not give up.
Cry your heart out. Belt it out. Drop down on your knees, repent, pray aloud, cry His Name aloud, seek for His Grace BUT NEVER GIVE UP.
Because God did not give up on you and me. He sent His son Jesus Christ into this world to suffer the pain for us, to save us from our sins – to give us HOPE.
NO ONE and NOTHING else can save you from what you are going through EXCEPT our GOD. The moment you surrender your life to Him, you will feel His presence in your every breathing moment. You will feel the Holy Spirit in you. God will give you opportunities to create a new life and a chance to redeem yourself.
God used the skills I acquired and my circumstances to make me better and stronger so I can serve Him, serve others, and spread the Good News. God surrounded me with people who helped in bringing me closer to Him, and who will remind me of Him every now and then. Because of God, I don’t look back to my past with pain and regret. I see my past as God opening the doors to a new life – spiritually restored and healed.
Bipolar disorder is a lifelong condition. There is no cure. But there are ways to manage it if you don’t want to take any medications. Although this has to be decided upon the assessment of a medical professional. Seek help if it is too much to bear. I sought help from my spiritual family, and I always have this Bible verse to remind me every time I have those depressive episodes. This Bible verse is what gives my life purpose and meaning:
“Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.” – John 15:4
If it wasn’t for my faith, I’ve long been gone. This testimony will speak how it really means to be BORN AGAIN through the Cross and through God’s love. ❤️🙏
“For it is by Grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.” – Ephesians 2:8
This is an all-time favorite of mine. I have seen this movie for countless of times already and I’ve been crying over it for countless of times as well. 😀
It is not your typical romantic, fairy tale kind of movie. In fact, the movie is just too realistic to dismiss that you’ll find yourself relating to every single part of it.
But in general, this is a movie on relationships and how God makes all the difference when He is at the center of it.
Her name is Sheryl San Diego. If you are wondering who she is and how is she related to that shoe above, please allow me to give you a brief rundown.
I was lost.
It is that one point in your life wherein you don’t know who to turn to. She is a Victory Group leader and I was assigned to her when I signed up to join a small group. I reached out because I could no longer carry on with the battle all to myself. He answered.
God gave me a spiritual family.
It is with She that I had my One to One Discipleship. It is a process which helps you commit to a deeper and more personal relationship with the Lord. We would meet every Sunday and discuss the Word through the One to One booklet. Every meeting starts and begins with a prayer. The entire time I had this with her, I was slowly being relieved of all my burdens – emotional baggage, pressure, stress and unanswered questions.
With my Victory Group leader, Sheryl San Diego (Photo credit: MJ Gotostos)
Until came the time that I finished it and I thought that was it. I already felt at ease after finishing our One to One Discipleship. What I didn’t know was that I was slowly being prepared for the main event, the Victory Weekend. It is that moment wherein I can say I COMPLETELY surrendered everything to God and COMPLETELY accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior.
3/3/13 Victory Weekend w/ She (Photo credit: Joyce Tan)
It was a 2-day event wherein the first day was allotted for baptism of the Holy Spirit and the second day for the water baptism. I was renewed, revived and made new.
Victory Weekend 3/3/13
I was found.
I am that 1 lost sheep and they were the 99. I was rescued but I was weak. God gave me an accountability partner to help me recover and to help me regain my strength in renewing my faith.
She is the other pair.
The one who helped me and accompanied me in my WALK with GOD. And I THANK her from the bottom of my heart for everything that she did – for being so patient and determined to see me finish the race towards a changed me. I learned a lot from her in my baby steps in my spiritual journey. She is indeed an epitome of a woman of God and a woman of faith – strong and devoted. And I am thankful to God for choosing her to be my partner in this lifetime walk with Him. I could not “walk” in my spiritual journey without her.
“Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.” – Matthew 18:19
The Journeyman's Moments 