Tag Archives: death

What To Expect When A Loved One Enters Hospice (from The Gospel Coalition)

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God sure knows when to reinforce my calling (a long-term goal and possibly a retirement project) lest I get distracted and focus on other things. I stumbled upon this article from The Gospel Coalition a couple of days ago, and this is exactly what I needed for the hospice project I am planning to propose to my siblings. I thought I’d share it here as well to help those who are going through a similar situation. 🙏

Original Article Link: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/expect-loved-one-hospice/

“What To Expect When A Loved One Enters Hospice”

By Kathryn Butler

I recently lost a dear friend to cancer. She’d struggled with treatments and recurrence for years, and when her doctor finally said the heavy word “hospice,” she and her family were neither surprised nor despairing. As Christians, they drew comfort from the assurance she’d be with the Lord after she took her last breath (Rom. 14:8; 2 Cor. 4:17–18).

And yet, although my friend embarked on her hospice journey with full acceptance, none of her family was prepared for the tumult of emotions her final days incited. They trembled and choked back tears when she bolted upright in agitation. When she no longer responded to their voices, they nursed the ache of loss. Throughout, they struggled to reconcile the grim realities of death with the mother, sister, and wife they so cherished.

Families with loved ones in hospice all too frequently weather such storms. As the wages of our sin (Rom. 6:23), death is by nature harrowing, even when anticipated. We weren’t meant for death, and those of us who encounter it often struggle with lingering grief, confusion, and regret afterward, especially when it steals away someone we dearly love.

With a million and a half people in the U.S. receiving hospice care annually, many families will walk this troubling road, suffering doubts and heartache along the way. How do we shepherd caregivers and families as they aim to love the dying? How do we walk with them through the valley of the shadow of death, reminding them all the while of the Good Shepherd whose love covers them when the light dwindles (Ps. 23:4)?

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗛𝗼𝘀𝗽𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗜𝘀

Misunderstandings about hospice abound and contribute to the pain families bear. Many people equate hospice with “giving up” on a loved one. Others confuse it with physician-assisted suicide and euthanasia. Still more have an accurate idea of hospice but can’t bring themselves to say goodbye to someone they can’t fathom living without.

To clarify, hospice care seeks to minimize pain and suffering at the end of life among those with terminal illnesses. A multidisciplinary team, usually comprised of physicians, nurses, social workers, chaplains, and health aides, provides medical care as well as spiritual and social support with a focus on symptom control and quality of life, rather than on cure. Although we often associate hospice with cancer, the most common qualifying diagnoses are severe dementia, emphysema, and heart failure.

For people with a life expectancy of months, hospice services often begin as regular home visits from nurses, social workers, and home health aides to ensure patients are stable and comfortable. As the illness advances, support increases, and eventually the dying require continuous care at the bedside and frequent doses of medications to ameliorate pain, anxiety, and air hunger. In the home, this care often falls to loved ones, which can be emotionally traumatic. In such circumstances, a hospice house, where staff nurses monitor patients 24/7, may be a better alternative.

People can only receive hospice services if they have a life expectancy of six months or less. Such patients, after consultations with doctors they trust, accept that further interventions for a cure would be futile (e.g., a cancer has metastasized to other organs and treatment options have run out). In hospice, medical care continues, but that care shifts to focus on lessening symptoms rather than eradicating the disease.

Studies suggest that rather than indicating caregivers have “given up” on patients, this shift in care can actually increase the life expectancy of terminally ill patients for up to three months. In our highly technological medical system, accepting the inevitability of death has a clear, measurable benefit.

It also has a biblical precedent. Although Scripture directs us to honor life (Ex. 20:13), it also reminds us our times are in God’s hand (Ps. 31:15). Like the grass of the field, we wither and fade (Isa. 40:7–8); until Christ returns all of us will succumb to death (Rom. 5:12). When we deny our mortality and chase after treatments that don’t promise cure, we dismiss God’s grace in Christ and the power of his resurrection. Christ has transformed death, swallowing it up in victory (1 Cor. 15:54) such that, as the Heidelberg Catechism aptly states, it’s no longer “a payment for our sins, but only a dying to sins and an entering into eternal life.”

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗛𝗼𝘀𝗽𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗜𝘀𝗻’𝘁

While hospice reflects biblical teaching, the same can’t be said for euthanasia or physician-assisted suicide (PAS). Families facing hospice for a loved one may confuse these practices, especially given the terminology of “Medical Aid in Dying,” or MAiD, now adopted in Canada and used in the U.S. with increasing frequency. While in hospice, death occurs secondary to an underlying illness, in MAiD, terminally ill patients seek medical means to deliberately end their lives.

In euthanasia, for example, a healthcare provider administers a lethal dose of medication––often an injection––on a patient’s request. Similarly, in PAS, doctors prescribe a dose of pills for a patient to take on his or her own. In both cases, the “aid in dying” isn’t symptom support but rather a lethal dose of medication.

As the legalization of PAS has steadily increased in the U.S. over the past 20 years, it’s crucial to understand its distinction from hospice. In hospice, the aim is to alleviate suffering from futile or excessively burdensome measures. People can “graduate” from hospice; if a patient unexpectedly improves and is no longer deemed terminal, clinicians rejoice and hospice services are discontinued. PAS, by contrast, involves the active taking of another life with the explicit goal to end it, and it violates God’s Word (Ex. 20:13).

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗘𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁

The knowledge that hospice care aligns with biblical teachings can provide solace to families. Yet even with this consolation, watching a loved one die can be crushing. Many families embark on this journey with confidence, only to find the unsettling details of dying overwhelm them.

The following common changes may occur when death is near, which may trouble those at the bedside:

As a dying person’s organs shut down, 𝗯𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗿𝗲𝗳𝗹𝗲𝘅𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗿𝗮𝗽𝗶𝗱 to remove excess acid from the bloodstream. As such breathlessness worsens anxiety and fatigue, nurses will administer a narcotic (usually morphine) or a sedative to help slow the breathing.
Intestines shut down as death nears. 𝗣𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗻𝗼 𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗲𝘁𝗶𝘁𝗲, and although loved ones may worry about starvation, forcing them to eat or drink leads to vomiting or abdominal cramping.
In the setting of dehydration close to death, 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗵 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗹𝗶𝗽𝘀 𝗱𝗿𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗰𝗿𝗮𝗰𝗸. Hospice care workers provide moist mouth swabs to counteract the discomfort.
𝗔𝗴𝗶𝘁𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻, 𝗱𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗿𝗶𝘂𝗺, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗵𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘂𝗰𝗶𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 are common near death and can be especially upsetting to witness. In the mildest cases, patients will see people from their past, which may alarm onlookers. In the most distressing, the dying will suddenly panic or lash out at others with cruel insults. Clinicians give medications to calm patients and avoid such outbursts, but when they do occur, delirious patients’ words can deeply hurt those they love. In such moments, we can reassure families that death affects the mind as well as the body and that their loved ones are unaware of their actions. Agitation near death reflects the disease, not the patient’s true thoughts and feelings.
People 𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗱𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗰𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀 as death nears. However, in the days to hours before death, some suddenly awaken and carry on clear, coherent conversations. Called “𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗹𝘂𝗰𝗶𝗱𝗶𝘁𝘆,” this phenomenon is poorly understood but well documented and can confuse loved ones who mistake the sudden clarity for clinical improvement. A good approach is to treat these moments as gifts from the Lord, offering loved ones a final glimpse of the person they’ve treasured.
Even when the dying are unresponsive, evidence suggests 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿, with their brains responding to sounds as distinctly as do awake, healthy individuals. This can provide families with enormous comfort, as it means their loved one may still hear and understand their words. Encourage families to speak to their loved one, to read Scripture, to pray aloud, and to sing hymns and favorite songs. Such connection can provide much-needed closure and solace to the living, and minister lovingly to the dying.
In the last 24 hours, 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗸𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗻𝘀 𝗺𝗼𝘁𝘁𝗹𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗯𝗹𝘂𝗶𝘀𝗵, especially in the hands and feet. This is normal and signals the circulatory system shutting down.
The last few hours of life are often marked by 𝗱𝘆𝘀𝗿𝗲𝗴𝘂𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴. People will breathe deeply and rapidly for several breaths, then not breathe at all for up to two minutes. Secretions pooling in the airways also create an unsettling rattling sound with each breath. Additionally, relaxation of the vocal cords can produce a sound similar to moaning, even in the absence of discomfort. While these changes are upsetting to witness, at this point patients are unaware of their surroundings and unlikely to experience suffering.
𝗛𝗼𝗽𝗲 𝗘𝗻𝗱𝘂𝗿𝗲𝘀

In addition to the troubling realities outlined above, families of hospice patients may wrestle with questions about the faith and salvation of their loved one. If a loved one isn’t a believer, relatives may urge nurses to withhold sedatives, clinging to hope for a deathbed conversion. If a loved one has proclaimed faith, moments of agitation may raise doubts about the sincerity of that profession.

While their heartache is understandable, to withhold medication and incur unnecessary suffering is neither loving nor compassionate. As solace, we can point families to the thief on the cross (Luke 23:39–43), whom Jesus invited into his kingdom as he was dying. We can reassure them that the Holy Spirit can work in someone’s heart regardless of their capacity for language or cognition, and the Lord can bring all he wills to himself (Eph. 1:3–7). The good news of the gospel declares that salvation depends not on us but on God’s grace––and he can turn every heart he wills from stone into flesh (Ezek. 36:26).

Above all, when families walk alongside a loved one in hospice, they show him or her, as well as surrounding caregivers, the character of Christ.

To abide with another through death is to love in the sacrificial, soul-weary way our pierced Savior loved us first (Matt. 26:38; John 13:34–35; 1 John 4:19). It’s to weep with those who weep (Rom. 12:15) and to bear another’s burdens (Gal. 6:2). It’s to offer a loved one a tangible reminder––perhaps with a hymn heard through the shadows, perhaps with a gentle touch––that God’s love endures forever (Ps. 107:1) and that, in Christ, nothing––not even death––can pry his beloved away from his grasp (Rom. 8:38–39).

Hospice Care 101 | Making Peace With Death

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I often wondered what is it with death that we are so afraid of. Maybe we’re not really afraid about dying per se, but more of how we are going to die. The topic of death has always been considered morbid and taboo. And yet all the more that we should talk about it because acceptance is always the pathway to peace.

When God placed a desire in my heart about hospices after my Mom passed away last year due to stage 4 breast cancer and the possibility of providing hospice care on our farm in the future, I asked Him to give me the means to make it happen. And it looks like I got my confirmation because He sent me a whole lot of resources and instructions to prepare for it. Or maybe this was the work of Facebook’s algorithm since I’ve been doing research on hospice care which is why I was getting similar recommendations on my newsfeed. 😀

By the way, I don’t have a personal Facebook account because I deactivated it. I have 1 dummy account though where I only have 1 friend and she’s my spiritual Mom/coach/mentor. I mainly use Facebook to stay updated with news and current events.

Here are some of the organizations I found if you need information on hospice care:

The Philippine Society of Hospice and Palliative Medicine – https://www.pshpm.org/

Asia Pacific Hospice Palliative Care Network – https://aphn.org/

The European Association for Palliative Care is also conducting a free webinar on February 21, 2024 at 5pm (Manila Time) entitled “Public Health Approaches to Bereavement Support.” Here’s the link to register: https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/9717054994060/WN_A7NsLepPSIO2sn28NnZx9Q?fbclid=IwAR1KbkSVq0tRwg3MVTQXfmXUrVVvXab0TXiicyzBcL2F6NZzY8jvdd4qMyU#/registration.

I also chanced upon the website of the National Institute on Aging, which is one of the institutes of the National Institutes of Health in the U.S. It’s a privilege to be able to subscribe to their weekly newsletters and receive free caregiving tips and resources, which are all very informative.

I cannot tell though if the fulfillment of these plans will happen in my lifetime, but this might inspire others to follow suit if they also receive the same calling. But first, let’s define hospice care.

What Is Hospice Care?

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defined it as “a program designed to provide palliative care and emotional support to the terminally ill in a home or homelike setting so that quality of life is maintained and family members may be active participants in care. It is also a facility that provides such a program.”

The hospice project proposal and draft for another project are currently at 30% and 20% progress rates, respectively. I still have a lot of work to do. But, all in God’s perfect time. And I cannot work on a project without listening to worship songs. It’s a must. 😉

What To Do During The Terminal Stage Of An Illness?

It is part of my preparations to always assume the worst-case scenario. This helps me prepare holistically. However, I would suggest limiting these worst-case assumptions to a minimum because they can trigger anxiety, and we don’t want that. So let’s say I am diagnosed with a terminal illness, how am I going to take it?

1. Seek For Expert Opinion Re Treatments

I’ll ask my doctor how long I have like if I opt to go through all the treatments, will I have a couple of years and if I don’t, do I have a couple of months only to live? I will also ask what is my quality of life after receiving the treatments. Will I be able to live a normal life again?

If the answer will depend on how my body will respond to the treatments, then it’s a “go.” If my body won’t be able to survive the treatments, then I’m choosing palliative care and pain management instead.

2. Plan My Next Move

I did ask God what more can I do if I only had a couple of months or years to live. Because I felt like I could only do so much in just a short span of time. And yet God’s answer was that what we might consider as small efforts now may actually have a lasting and significant impact later on.

One example is meeting another patient who is already on the verge of ending his/her life, but by talking to him/her, hope in God is restored and this person is now helping others as a result. Or it could be a student who will be inspired by my testimony, and decades from now, that kid will become the President of this country who fears God and will genuinely serve his people. It’s like God was saying that there are plenty of opportunities to touch other people’s lives that don’t really require that much effort and too much time.

3. Prepare For The Actual Battle

We never go to a battle unprepared. And we don’t prepare ourselves only, but those around us, too. It is also important to be surrounded by people who can pray for you and encourage you to keep on fighting. The church is the right community for this.

Equipping warriors with the Armor of God in every battle (Ephesians 6:11-13). JEHOVAH NISSI. 🗡️🛡️

Breast cancer support groups, in a way, provide emotional and psychological help and other information based on every patient’s journey. But, we can’t totally rely on them because most of the people in these groups are going through treatments or have a family member who is ill. When one member dies, it can pull the morale of the rest of the members down.

Because when this happens, I know the next questions that will pop into their minds are these, “Lord, am I next? When will my time come?” Questions like these, if they are what occupy the patient’s mind often, will result in depression. And in the webinars I attended, when depression hits, it affects every treatment plan, especially if the patient doesn’t want to eat and take their medications or continue the treatments.

So I actually came up with this mantra to combat depression – we do not mourn the living, we mourn the dead. We can’t be sad all the time and cry over how difficult life is as a sick person. We don’t lose heart, but we keep moving forward. As long as we still breathe, we move forward. We call this in UP as “Padayon.” ✊

4. Pray And Let God Take Control

Once I start with my treatments, I will leave the results to God. Whether I get healed or my condition worsens, I will accept what God’s will is for me. If ever I decide to push through with palliative care, then I will let nature run its own course just like the stance of Ezekiel Emanuel, an oncologist, to refuse all treatments after the age of 75. You may read more about it in the following articles:

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/doctors-argument-living-longer

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-11619519/amp/White-House-oncologist-Obamacare-architect-wants-die-75.html

Can We Ever Get Used To Seeing People Die?

I once asked my second sister who works as a nurse in a nursing home in Norway how she ever got used to seeing patients die. How do you care for someone without getting emotionally attached and not be sad when he/she passes away?

My sister answered that you will never get used to it. You somehow just learn to accept it. I guess we can learn from doctors, too, and how they approach every patient’s case objectively. However, this isn’t always the case like what our pastor shared in church about how one doctor cried because the patient, a member of the congregation, was all good to undergo surgery but suddenly died the next day. And they weren’t expecting it at all.

This is why I have so much respect for doctors. What they do is really not easy. Also, not all patients are the same. There are those who will use 15 minutes of the doctor’s time venting out his/her sob story but still fail to answer directly the doctor’s question of what their concern is. 😁✌️ Then there are those who are sometimes too stubborn to obey doctor’s orders (is that you, Christine? lol). And there are those who blame the doctors when results turn out differently than what they’re expecting (this is definitely not me). But, we all love and care for these patients just the same.

That is why I keep on praying to God that doctors will be given the best support system that they could ever have may it be in the form of trusted friends, a spiritual family, loving parents and siblings, a supportive partner, or awesome kids (even if they can get too rowdy sometimes). And this is also what I was hoping the hospice facility would be able to provide – whatever the dying patient wishes, it will be granted (as long as it is reasonable).

Look To Jesus For Salvation Amid Suffering

Each one of us will go through different ways of dying. Each of these deaths will have its own struggles and pain – except for those who died instantly. We will all go through these struggles before our last breath. And yet we should not be afraid.

Instead, we look up to Jesus and how He conquered death. And yet even His death did not happen in His own timeline. Only God knows when we leave this world. What really matters is what we do with this one life that we have here on Earth.

If we’ve been born again, then we only have one purpose and that is to use our lives for God’s plans and His glory. We are a living testimony of God’s grace through every pain, every sorrow, and every suffering that we encounter in this life. The book of Revelation already gave us a glimpse of what those who endured suffering will get in the end – the promise of eternal life. This is a wonderful place to look forward to because in it there will be no more pain, no more sickness, and no more death. ❤️

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73:26

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” – 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and He will dwell with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” – Revelation 21:1-4

P.S. Here are some videos that I felt like God wanted me to watch as part of our preparation for the hospice project. Again, providing hospice care may or may not materialize in our lifetime, but maybe those who get to read this article might benefit from watching these videos. These videos can be emotionally heavy for some so I suggest being ready with your comfort food, favorite hobby, or a trip someplace else after watching these videos to release all the negative emotions. And don’t forget your rolls of tissue. *sniff*

“5 Things You Should Know When Someone Is Actively Dying”
“How Doctors Tell Patients They’re Dying | Being Mortal | Frontline”
“Before I Die: A Day With Terminally Ill Patients | Death Land #2”
“Inside The Children’s ICU | Episode 4: Facing Death”
“The Last Hours With Our Daughter”
“Brain Cancer: Dying To Live, Living To Die In 4:42 Minutes”

We Miss You, Mommy ❤️

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We wanted to keep Mom with us for the time being, so we’re commemorating All Souls’ Day 2023 here at home after visiting other deceased relatives at the cemetery later.

We will see each other again, Mom, in God’s perfect time. 🥰🙏
Purple & Pink Mums for Mom
Yellow Mums for Mom
Beautiful baskets of flowers at the market. Hmm, quite a bit expensive, too.
For our beloved Lolos and Lolas. ❤️

So, what to do now with this parcel of land that my parents bought at a private cemetery if we all prefer to be laid to rest here at home? 😉 My 3rd sister suggested we build a columbarium instead and have the vaults rented out to address the rising demand for death slots inside the town proper. Methinks it’s a great idea, but we might need to conduct a feasibility study first and research all the paperwork (licensing, registration, etc.) involved. As always, may God’s will be done. 🙏

The problem with unutilized properties now is that when left idle, they become other people’s garbage area. So yes, I’m really praying for that private columbarium. 🙏

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” – Matthew 5:4

See You In Heaven, Mommy Moo

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She would’ve turned 77 today, September 7, 2023. It’s been a week since my Mom passed away last August 27, 2023, just a day after I wrote the article before this. It was a peaceful death because she slipped away in her sleep. She’s finally in a place where there is no more pain and suffering.

It was painful for us, though. But then again, this is life. Death is inevitable. We will all face death one way or the other, sooner or later.

This is the first death in my family, and God has prepared us quite well for it. Though I must say it wasn’t a smooth and easy process. Because there is just no easy way to cope with grief, sadness, and loss.

God prepared our hearts in a way that we were able to face these emotions head-on without breaking apart. He gave us everything that we need, showed us the way we should go, and gave us wisdom on things that truly matter.

I am just grateful for the opportunity to take care of Mom, even though it was very difficult. We couldn’t get another regular Private Duty Nurse (PDN) though we already got one, all thanks to Tita Len. We needed 2 PDNs who will be taking turns watching over Mom every 12 hours. So I took the challenge to learn everything when it comes to providing care to Mom who’s bedridden and had several contraptions attached to her.

Thank You, Ma’am Leah

This is the part where I get to give special thanks to a nurse assistant at the hospital where Mom stayed. Ma’am Leah offered to be Mom’s PDN during the days when she’s able. She taught me a lot of things when it comes to patient care from changing diapers, sterilizing everything, positioning under pads, turning and bathing a bedridden patient, changing wound dressings, changing the NGT tube, and a whole lot more.

I also enjoyed talking to her, and Mom would “shush” us now and then for talking too loud (so sorry, Mom). And every time Ma’am Leah gets carried away by our convo, she would start talking in the vernacular and I just keep on smiling even though I can’t understand most of what she’s saying. lol

We’re both Bicolanas, but she’s from Bacon, Sorsogon. Their language is like Bikol Albay. I came from Bulan and our dialect is already a combination of Bikol Sorsogon and Bisaya or what we call “Bisakol.”

There was one time she said something like “badush” and I was like, “Was she trying to tell me that she’s gay?” Because “badush” is a colloquial term in Manila that means gay. Only to find out later that she meant “badus,” a Bikol Albay word that means “pregnant.” 😀

Second Bicol Home – Daraga, Albay

My Mom’s the only one in the family who’s very fluent in Bikol Albay since my maternal grandparents used to live there for a couple of years when they were young. My Mom also studied in Daraga, Albay during high school (United Institute, Inc.) and college (Bicol University).

My maternal grandparents used to have a house in Daraga, Albay but my grandma decided to give the house and lot to her best friend before relocating here in Bulan, Sorsogon. Yes, my grandma was one of the most generous people I know. Miss you, Mama.

I really would’ve wanted Mom to breathe her last here at home, but it was no longer an option for us. She needed lots of intensive care after going in and out of the ICU twice (1 week for each stay) during the entire 2 months she was at the hospital. She also had a “white coat syndrome,” and this is one of the reasons why she delayed her yearly medical checkup. Seeing her with 5 contraptions attached to her was also just too painful to bear.

Back To My Second Love, Volunteering

So, what to do now with all the intensive caregiving skills I’ve learned from Ma’am Leah? My Dad’s 83 years old already, but he’s still ambulatory. The next thing that popped into my head was my second love – volunteer work. I’ve been volunteering since my college days at UP Diliman as a relief operations volunteer, and then as a family support volunteer in our church. I also joined Minkah Ministries Inc. about 8 years ago because of the volunteering opportunities they offer.

While I was with the organization, I was privileged enough to do volunteer work for the street children and the elderly. I was looking forward to doing volunteer work for cancer patients at the UP PGH’s pediatric ward since it’s also part of Minka’s missionary work. Unfortunately, my schedule didn’t allow it since it fell on a weekday, and I have work.

Fast forward to now, I realized that God intended it to be. I really felt the “tugging” to do volunteer work for cancer patients 8 years ago, but I just didn’t have the opportunity or maybe it was just not the right time.

God gave me a glimpse this year of how caregiving to critically ill patients is done through my Mom. God knew I wasn’t equipped 8 years ago. Though I must say I still have a lot to learn now if I am going to be a regular volunteer for cancer patients here in Bicol.

This was how we communicated with Mom since she’s intubated. And I’m glad that she approved (Mom had high standards) of my caregiving skills all thanks to Ma’am Leah. Konting swabe pa daw. 👍👍😃

Next Faith Goal: Philippine Cancer Society Inc., Bicol Chapter

I did my research and tried searching for organizations that offer seminars and trainings on doing volunteer work for cancer patients. I did find the Philippine Cancer Society Inc., but unfortunately, they do not have a local chapter here in Legazpi City or Sorsogon City.

These are the cities closest to our hometown, and I don’t mind the long travel time as long as the schedule for volunteering falls on a weekend because I am oftentimes a 100% multitasker during the weekdays, I barely have time to breathe. Seriously serious.

But then again, what happened to Mom was a reminder to me and my siblings to pause when the body says it needs rest. I did mention in my previous articles that cancer genes are dominant on my Mom’s side. Only time will tell who among me and my siblings carry the “dreaded” genes.

Agritourism Project As A Retreat Place

This is one of the reasons why I’ve been experimenting with several farm-to-table projects at home that we can incorporate later on into our farm (I’ll share more about this in another article).

I want to make sure I am eating healthy, and the best way to do that is to grow my food. My siblings and I also have plans to pursue an agritourism project, and one of its objectives is to support the local food movement.

This is very timely given our current dilemma on inflation and the increasing prices of basic commodities including vegetables, rice, and meat products. Another objective of our farm project is to become a retreat place for holistic wellness.

Building A Hospice Facility

Then an idea popped into my mind. Since part of our mission and vision for the farm is to be a retreat place, why not include a hospice facility in it? This is what I would’ve wanted for Mom and I know, too, that this is what Mom would’ve wanted knowing how much she enjoyed gardening and being surrounded by nature. It’s not a coincidence that she’s named Eden. 🙂

We lacked the knowledge, training, and manpower to provide Mom what she needed most during her final moments. We weren’t beside her when she passed away, and she was in a hospital room surrounded by strangers, all of whom she barely knew.

We weren’t able to give Mom the ideal final moments I was praying for. But I know God doesn’t want it to end here. I want to make up for these “lost moments” with Mom by helping other families who are going through what we went through.

And the hospice care can be the answer to this. My initial plan is to come up with a 5-bedroom-capacity hospice facility situated inside our farm. We are targeting a farm resort concept, so this will be an ideal setup for terminally ill patients. The rooms must also be big enough for loved ones to stay over and be with the patient until his/her last moments.

Praying for the Completion of Sorsogon Cancer Treatment Center

Who knows, the Philippine Cancer Society (Sorsogon Chapter) might also be founded alongside the hospice facility if God wills it. 😉 I am also very much looking forward to the Sorsogon Cancer Treatment Center that is currently being constructed in Sorsogon City.

I am just grateful for all of these endless opportunities that God has opened because of what happened to Mom. Because these are exactly the opportunities that my siblings and I will be needing in the future.

May God’s Will Be Done Always

These are all huge undertakings (if my Dad and siblings approve), and if Mom’s still alive and I told her about these plans, she’s probably going to tell me that I have very grand and ambitious plans.

To which I would’ve most likely replied with one of my favorite quotations by Edward Everett Hale, “I am only one but I am one. I cannot do everything but I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do. What I can do, I should do. And what I should do, by the grace of God, I will.”

And I’ll also include my life verse which is “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13).” These are all my plans, and yet again “many are the plans of man, but it is the Lord’s purpose that will prevail (Proverbs 19:21).”

If these plans are all God’s plans as well, then I still have how many decades to make them happen. They can happen in our farm or somewhere else, only God knows. 🙂

We weren’t able to give Mom what she wanted, but God intended it for the greater good of more families and not just one. May God give me the wisdom, the right people, and the provisions to be able to pursue all of these endeavors in honor of my Mom.

I thought it best to share everything here in my blog so her memory lives on just in case I suffer from memory loss in the future. lol I can only pray though that the IoT (Internet of Things) is here to stay, but either way, she will always be within us.

Happy Birthday, Mom

We miss you terribly, Mommy Moo. Thank you for all the love, and you will always be in our hearts. Happy Birthday in heaven, Mommy! ❤

P.S. In case you’re wondering, “Mommy Moo (pronounced with a British accent)” is my term of endearment to my Mom. I replaced “Maggie” with “Mommy” in the Netflix movie “The Princess Switch.” 🙂

Fighting An Enemy That We Don’t See And Hidden Within Ourselves: COVID-19

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I’d like to begin this article with a Bible verse that I felt came in timely during this COVID-19 pandemic.

“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” – Ephesians 6:12

COVID-19: Fighting The Enemy Within

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Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

One COVID-19 patient who recovered said, “It’s more of a psychological battle than a physical one.” Because the struggle takes place inside us where the enemy can attack us with other forms of spiritual warfare such as deception, lies, fears, worries, doubts, and other negative emotions. 

I am currently experiencing symptoms, but they disappear and then reappear after a couple of days. I am closely observing any other changes and make sure they’re not caused by my allergic rhinitis.

As of writing, there are 707 positive cases, 45 deaths, and 28 recoveries here in the Philippines. I believe these numbers represent only 1/2 of the actual COVID-19-related cases in the country.

These statistics didn’t include pneumonia-related deaths of those who weren’t tested for COVID-19 or still waiting for the results. Given these numbers, data analysts have calculated that the peak of the pandemic is still about to take place come April – June.

Replacing The Bad News With The Good News

As more and more of these bad news start circulating on social media the past days, more and more people are getting enraged by a whole lot of different things. I guess that is what panic and fear can do to people who don’t have any idea about what’s in store for them when they leave this world.

I must admit, I sometimes feel this panic, fear, and paranoia, too. I noticed this when I spend so much time browsing my newsfeed and all the posts I read are all bad news. And it takes so much discipline to “not conform” to the worries of this world.

Behaving As Salt And Light To The World

Why? Our human nature always has an automatic response to everything that is negative. It’s part of our worldly flesh that we constantly wrestle with. Thus, it takes so much discipline for a Christian to behave otherwise.

Instead of cursing people left and right, a Christian needs to carefully weigh every word that goes out in his/her posts. Instead of anger, there has to be understanding. Instead of punishment, there has to be compassion. Instead of retaliation, there has to be forgiveness.

We can always have a “say” in every social issue that goes around, but I believe it will be better if we say our opinions in a manner that brings light, peace, and healing not just to our social network, but to the entire world that is watching and listening.

Assessing Panic And Fear

Why do people panic? It’s because of fear. Fear can be in any form. It could be the fear of being broke, fear of losing a job or a business, fear of hunger, fear of getting sick, fear of being alone, and lastly, fear of dying.

The last one is, by far, the toughest battle that everyone needs to face one way or the other. Because we will all die eventually. The only difference lies in the manner and the time of our deaths.

Why do people fear death? It’s because they don’t have an idea about what will happen afterward. For born-again Christians though, it is the opposite. Scripture has given us already a glimpse of what life after this world looks like as described in the book of Revelations. It is a VERY BEAUTIFUL PROMISE.

The Promise That We Can Hold On To

It is the opposite of all the pain and suffering in this world. Everything that we consider as beautiful, pleasing, and perfect, we will see them all there. The very few seconds of pain and suffering that we will feel as we struggle for the last breaths are all worth it.

While listening to an online Sunday service in our church, I had this image inside my head. I sketched and posted it on my Facebook account. I was hoping the body of Christ (visual artists and filmmakers) could make a short movie or skit depicting a similar scene.

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What Heaven Looks Like

I thought this is what the people need now amid the bad news bombarding us every single day. This image shows a COVID-19 patient surrounded by the doctor, the nurse, God, and His angels. Although God and the angels are more like a hologram that only the patient can see.

God is pointing a vision of Heaven to the patient and all its riches are displayed on the road. Beside it, there are people who are smiling and waving as if they’re a welcome party. And there stood at the gate is Jesus, ready to take the lead into His Father’s Kingdom.

Scenes From The Movie “The Shack”

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The image was so vivid that it actually reminded me of a scene from the Christian movie that my husband and I watched a couple of years ago entitled The Shack. It was a story about a grieving dad who lost his daughter to a pedophile/psycho killer during a camping event in the woods.

It was a very tragic experience seeing his daughter’s bloodied clothes and a bloodied floor of a shack, but without any trace where his daughter’s remains are. The killer’s still on the loose and there seemed to be no closure.

Unforgiveness, guilt, anger, hatred, bitterness…they all hardened the dad’s heart, which led him further away from God. But God, who is also a loving Father, never failed to reach out to this dad who mourns over the death of his daughter even several years after the incident.

Until came the scene where God showed him where his daughter is now. She looks very happy playing with the other kids in Heaven and Jesus is with them. I guess, we, too, can take comfort in this idea that any believer who leaves this world never leave it alone, and in fact, is in a place much better than ours.

Heaven Rejoices For Every Death Of A Believer

When my faith-filled maternal grandma passed away 7 days before Christmas Day last year, our pastor in our mother Protestant church chose this Bible verse to be placed on her coffin. Today’s devotion reminded me again of this Bible verse and I thought maybe God wanted to show us that there really is nothing to fear.

“Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of His faithful servants.” – Psalm 116:15

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In fact, while trying to destress before I sleep, I opened the Spotify app on my phone and searched for my favorite Piano Hymns playlist. This was the first song on the roster.

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I also posted on Facebook the Bible verses I discovered on the shampoo and hair conditioner bottles I’m using, and friends started sharing theirs, too. It was an enlightening experience when you bring all the Bible verses together.

Here they are:

1. My Shampoo and Hair Conditioner Bottles

“For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.” – Galatians 5:13

“And she will have a son, and you are to name Him Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins.” All of this occurred to fulfill the Lord’s message through His prophet:

“Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call Him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’” – Matthew 1:21-23

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2. Sis Ann Jane

“For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.

They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry.” – 2 Timothy 4:3-5

Sis Ann Jane

Photo courtesy of Sis Ann Jane 🙂

3. Sis Claud

“Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to.” – Deuteronomy 15:10

Sis Claud

Photo courtesy of Sis Claud 🙂

4. Sis Gessa

After John was put in prison, Jesus went into Galilee, proclaiming the good news of God. “The time has come,” he said. “The kingdom of God has come near. Repent and believe the Good News!” – Mark 1:14-15

Sis Gessa

Photo courtesy of Sis Gessa 🙂

To end this article, I guess what we only need to do during this crisis is to fervently pray and let God fight this enemy that we don’t see and is hidden in the recesses of our souls. I believe God has been reiterating it since Day 1 of this pandemic.

We can never do it alone, and we most certainly can’t do it without His help. The support of our government, the hospitals, our families, or our communities won’t be enough. Only His help is enough to conquer it once and for all. In other words, let our trust be upon Him completely.

Be rest assured that even if we felt like we lost the battle here in this world, Jesus already won the fight. Victory is already ours in another life that sure has no end. Wouldn’t that be better than living in this world that is bound to disappear anyway? 🙂

Declaring God’s victory here and now,

P.S. While waiting, we must never forget to do what God asked us to do according to His Word and His instructions. We must never let our guards down by staying equipped with the Armor of God. The battle is far from over but always take heart. ❤

I was also instructed by the Spirit to write this post, thus, I obey. 😀

Dying Young, Dying Old: A Lenten Season Special

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February this year was full of mourning and grief from deaths of loved ones of people I know. It made me think about life’s brevity and longevity – the reason why Science never stopped in discovering how life can be preserved. In fact, a lot of movies have been inspired by it – how to attain immortality. But, as we all know, only One conquered death and it’s for the purpose of giving everyone immortality – eternal life.

What is Death?

One story is about someone from our church. I don’t know her personally but we have common friends. When I checked out her profile, three words came into my mind – young, devoted, and vibrant. Her life, albeit short, was full of colors – she lived life to the fullest in adoration and service to the Lord. She was diagnosed with lupus and it was through her testimony that I discovered that lupus is also the same as cancer – incurable. What struck me after reading her testimony was this statement: “Sometimes pain can make you forget God.”

It is true. Any form of extreme pain, may it be physical or emotional, can sometimes make you question your existence, your purpose, and finally your faith. But, if you have been saved prior to the pain, or even during the pain, none of everything you will go through, what you have done, and what you have will matter.

“We, therefore, were buried with Him through baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may walk in newness of life.” -Romans 6:4

The same goes to those who died old. It reminded me of my maternal grandma who will be celebrating her 95th birthday this year if God wills it. She would always ask me and my siblings when will God take her. Our only answer is that only God knows and maybe God has a purpose for her that is still yet to be fulfilled.

I see her suffer now from the ailments of old age. I feel her pain. I ask God the same questions, too. And one of those questions is this, “Lord, is there ever a way for us to die a painless death a.k.a. the easy death?”

I guess we all have that moment wherein we ask God how we will die. Will we ever grow old? Will we die of cancer? Will we die in an accident? Will I die in my sleep? Will I die with a mangled body? Will I die writhing in pain?

Is Your Heart Ready?

Through all these questions, one stood out: “Are our hearts ready?”

Can we live life just like my churchmate? Though she went through so much pain, she had the assurance of life in eternity. It’s the same with my grandma. Though there is a restlessness in her heart, peace also comes within her brought about by the same assurance.

There’s just one form of death that makes me deeply sad – suicide. One of my friends on Facebook shared about a niece, a high school student, who committed suicide by hanging herself. I checked out her profile and I have seen how depression overtook the better part of her.

If only someone reached out to her and shared the Good News. A shared conversation could’ve changed her fate. A shared story would’ve made all the difference. A fellowship perhaps about how we all go through painful and difficult moments in life and yet by God’s grace and because of the assurance of life in eternity, we endure them all, we strive forward and carry our own “crosses” no matter how heavy they are. Yes, carry them until we have fulfilled what God has tasked us to do as a follower of Christ.

I grieved for her soul – that which can never be resurrected, one that will forever be lost.

I Am Ready

Death, sickness, lost lives…they all dawned on me and my current situation. I lost one good career opportunity because my health demanded it. I am facing my own fears, too – dying young, dying old, and going through extreme pain.

But instead of living life in fear dreading what sad or bad news the future might bring, I celebrate life. Not through YOLO or FOMO but through a heart that is ready.

God has been postponing my visit to the doctor for a whole lot of different reasons – the doctor canceled, hubby’s loa wasn’t approved, etc. But this coming Saturday is our “hope” day. And as with everything, I will wait what and where God will bring me. So as my prayer goes, LET HIS WILL BE DONE. 🙂

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the former things have passed away.” – Revelation 21:4

And the One seated on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” Then He said, “Write this down, for these words are faithful and true.” – Revelation 21: 5

Peacefully waiting,

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Where Do Souls Go? | Allhallowtide 2018 Special

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This was a topic that I already thought about when I was making my personal editorial calendar last July. I had no idea what to write for this topic back then but I just thought the title is suitable for the occasion. So methinks I’ll allow the Spirit’s leading. Little did I know God has already prepared the contents of this article beforehand. 😀

Last Sunday’s preaching was where I got the idea for this content. It was the part where Pastor Rev (as in Rev from “revelation?” I’d better ask him next time. :-D) explained the events in Revelation 21. He shared that when judgment day arrives, our souls will no longer go to heaven because there will be a new heaven and a new earth when God brings heaven here on earth.

But then, a question popped in my head and prompted me to ask hubby dear who’s seated beside me, “So, if souls don’t go to heaven, where do souls go when a person dies now?” My husband just smiled at me and I knew what he was thinking, “You need to ask God that because I can’t answer you.” 😀

Do Souls Really Linger in this World?

I searched the web all about where souls stay or go. I ended up reading the entire chapter of Revelation 21 yet again and all other sources I could find over the internet. Indeed, it was all a “revelation” to me.

Ah yes, 5 years of being a Christian and yet there are still a lot of things in the Bible that aren’t clear to me or have to be revealed to me yet. I guess this is part of every Christian’s walk and spiritual journey – wisdom is given not in one, single bulk, but through a series of learning.

So here are 3 ideas I have discovered today while doing my research on this topic:

1. Souls don’t go to heaven. Not yet.

So we have been believing in a misconception that when a person dies, his/her soul goes to heaven right away. There are verses in the Bible which explain that when our mortal bodies die, so do our souls. Our souls lie dormant waiting for Christ’s second coming, so to speak.

“The dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it.” – Ecclesiastes 12:7

The Return of the Lord

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.

We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God.

First, the believers who have died will rise from their graves. Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever. So encourage each other with these words.”

– 1 Thessalonians 4:13‭-‬18

2. Our souls aren’t immortal.

This supports idea #1. According to Bible Info, if we think of our souls as two separate entities, then that means our souls are immortal. But we all know that God is the only one who is immortal. This article continued explaining that this is the reason why Paul said that “the righteous seek for honor, glory, and immortality.” It means, immortality is something that is yet to be granted to us once Jesus resurrects us from the dead, gives us a new body, and we become a new creation living in the new heaven and earth along with Him.

The New Jerusalem

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone. And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.” And he also said, “It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End.

To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life. All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.

“But cowards, unbelievers, the corrupt, murderers, the immoral, those who practice witchcraft, idol worshipers, and all liars—their fate is in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.”

– Revelation 21:1‭-8

3. Not all souls will go to heaven.

Both evil and righteous souls lie dormant waiting for the resurrection during judgment day. According to the sources I have found, there are two places where people will go during judgment day: resurrection in the new heaven and earth or eternal life and resurrection in eternal condemnation or hell.

Indeed, heaven is God’s home and we can never go home yet without settling our “accountability” first in this present earth. 😉 But for now, let’s remember those who are with our Creator already during this 3-day observance of Allhallowtide. ❤

Feeling soulful today,

Not Your Ordinary Day

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Today I experienced 3 somewhat peculiar scenarios:

1. I heard a sudden, shrill buzzing tone in my left ear during my Discipleship training in church this morning when one of our Pastors was praying. It went on for just a couple of seconds then stopped. I heard the same buzzing sound twice when I got home while resting. I did not experience it anymore for the rest of the night though.

The first time I heard it was during the last prayer meeting of Prayer and Fasting 2013 which was the first prayer meeting I attended.

2. While I was on my way to meet my fiance later this afternoon inside the cab, everything we passed by were all blue – the same color as my shirt: people walking, cars and buses.

3. When my fiance and I were on the bus, I was seated near the window and in the opposite lane, most of the cars I saw were white L300 vans, like 50 of them within just the how many seconds that we were traveling along Edsa. And the one near me I was able to catch a glimpse of the company logo and underneath it was the word “casket.” They make caskets, I presume? 😀

As of writing, I am here at my fiance’s house with his family in Laguna. In just 2hrs, we will be heading off north to Baguio City along with his childhood friend and his gf for a road trip.

If this is my last post that I will be writing, the interpretation of my dream 2 nights ago (please refer to the article I posted before this) and the signs today are all correct.

My dream could be a premonition, a prophecy – there will be an accident. I talked to my fiance’s Mom earlier tonight and she advised me we should pray before leaving as she is not feeling too sure re our safety. The buzzing sound I heard could be the Spirit telling me something. Blue is my favorite color because it makes me calm, it gives me peace. All the “blue” I saw today could be angels actually guiding and preparing me. And the L300 vans I saw will be the type of vehicle that we’re gonna have a collision with causing my death thus the word “casket.”

Yes, it could be representing my death. The familiar faces of women I saw in my dream who boarded with me on the bus headed to Baguio City are actually the angels and I can see their faces in my dream that is why they somehow look familiar to me, but here on Earth they are the ones in “blue.”

And Baguio City, the “heaven here on Earth” as I call it, actually represents heaven for real. 🙂

This could be a product of my wild imagination as a writer or it could be all true or maybe they all signify a different meaning. I guess one way to find out is to PRAY and enjoy the exciting journey ahead, here or up there. *wink*

I just never felt more at peace in my life than what I have felt today. So yes, today was not my ordinary kind of day. And I praise God for that. Because peace is the one thing that is hardest to attain in everything nowadays. I know you will agree with me. 😀

Keep the faith, do the mission and glorify God always my dear friends. 🙂

Loss and Victory

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To experience loss by means of death is like trying to fight a game wherein you have no control over it. Moreover, you already know that you are slowly losing the game. My aunt who has cancer died a month ago. We weren’t shocked since we already know how serious her cancer was. But still, the pain and sadness will continue to linger on. I don’t know how true premonitions can be but a few days before my aunt’s death, a student of mine and I were discussing the story in a book regarding postponing death. I never thought of it as a sign.

Then a few days later, my aunt died. This made me thought about what the doctors told us, that she’s gonna die last December and how sad it would be for all of us since she wouldn’t be there with us to celebrate it. We spent the holidays in Bicol and were able to visit my aunt. She was okay. So I thought that maybe the doctors were wrong. After the holidays, we came back to Manila and then, a month later, my mom called and told us that my aunt passed away. I really don’t believe that a person could postpone his/her death. But in my aunt’s case, I guess that it is true so that would mean that the story in my student’s book could also be true. We were all devastated.

They say that if you’ve experienced loss, you will experience victory afterwards. I don’t know if it’s true but I think it could be. I wasn’t really expecting that I could finish my thesis this year and be a centennial graduate of UP. But I am happy that I am. After two years of doing and trying to finish my thesis, I have been tested up to the brink of my existence and yet I was able to survive. I went through a lot and I do admit I came to a point wherein I just want to stop, leave everything behind and just try something else. I even came to a point wherein I referred to my course as a ‘curse.’ Well, you will surely think of absurd and stupid things when you felt like giving up. But I thought that there is a reason why I have to have this course and go through what I’ve been through. So I’ve decided to stick with it and just fight my way to get to the finish line. I must say I’ve grown more maturely during those two years.

If we could only do something to make her live longer. But I also thought that maybe she has already served her purpose here in this world. As I grow older, I learn new things and that is good. What is sad though is the fact that as I grow old, people older than me are getting older as well and would eventually leave this world. But that’s part of life. That is, in fact, the cycle of life.

Now, I am just so thankful to God, my family and my friends who gave me the strength and stood by my side all the way. I guess two years ago was not the right time for me to graduate. As simple as that. I may not know what the reasons are exactly but I already have a few hunches. I’ve been praying to God to give me a second chance to make things right again and he did. Now, I guess, it’s up to me what to do with that second chance. One thing’s for sure though, that I’m gonna use it for good.

Keep on striving!

(This article was written year 2008.)

Life’s Real Battle

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The reason why I have decided to write this blog entry is because of the crude realities that my family and I have to undergo recently and hopefully overcome successfully. Really, after going through the situations we’ve been through, you really can’t help thinking that life is indeed complex and things do happen unexpectedly.

A few years ago, my aunt was diagnosed with cancer. We were all devastated after finding out about our aunt’s condition. The doctors suggested that she should undergo chemotherapy and blood transfusion. What is even harder to accept is the fact that the doctors told her that she is only expected to live until December this year. My aunt is in Bicol together with my parents. And when our mom called to tell us the bad news, it was really a huge shock to all of us since the last time we saw her after going through the chemotherapy, she was almost okay. We knew that she is already in the terminal stage but we weren’t expecting that it would be this soon. And what was so tragic about the news is that the month set to be her last is December. The month wherein everyone is expected to celebrate the Christmas season. In short, it’s a ‘happy’ month to most families. The time to get together and to enjoy the presence of each and everyone in the family.

But, I guess, that if indeed it is true that my aunt will only be given the chance to live until December, we really do have to prepare ourselves for what’s to come. But we are really hoping and praying hard that she would live longer and though we may not be there for her always to comfort and support her, we always include her in our prayers. That’s the best thing that we could do for now since life must go on for us. We really can’t stay contemplating about what happened and why it has happened. That’s one hard fact that I have learned about life.

My mom went through the same experience when she was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was seven years old. She underwent mastectomy and though they successfully removed the affected areas, we were still not that 100% sure that she won’t be having it again in the next years to come. We are hoping and praying real hard that it really won’t come back.

What I do admire about my mom though is the way she was able to face life and live it again after the operation. The courage and the strength to withstand all the physical and emotional pain is the best thing I admired from my mom. What she went through was not just a battle that she, alone, has to face, but it is also a battle that the rest of the family, the rest of us have to fight through. That was a tough battle for all of us but we were able to go through that and emerge victorious in the end. Prayers and the love of the family are the things that I think kept her going through those critical moments. Though we may be always there to comfort her, we all know that it is not enough to remove all the emotional pain that she is experiencing. We were so glad that my mom is okay now and we are really hoping that those are the only critical moments that the family has to go through again. But we could only hope for the best so far.

Breast cancer is successive in each generation of our family starting from the mother of my grandmother and that it didn’t skip a generation. I don’t even know if the mother of my great grandmother also had breast cancer and the generations before her because that would only prove that the chances of my sisters and I getting breast cancer are really high. I am a little worried but I am not afraid to face life as a breast cancer patient. It is because I am not afraid to die.

Not that I am trying to be brave or anything but really we should not be afraid of death. What I am afraid of is the prospect of the nature of my death. Like how am I gonna die? If ever among the five of us, my sisters and my brother, I was the one diagnosed as having breast cancer, I would accept it. Not because I have no choice but because I chose to accept my fate. But it doesn’t mean that I will just resign to the idea of waiting for my ‘death day’ without fighting through the battle. I will definitely fight and try to be optimistic.

We should always hope that things will get better. You would probably say that I can say all of these now because I am not really experiencing it right now. Yes, it is true that experiencing the real thing is way different than talking about it without experiencing it. But really, what I am doing now is in preparation for what I could possibly go through years from now if indeed I will be diagnosed as having breast cancer. Of course, like any cancer patients, I would definitely undergo stages that any dying person undergoes. If I was able to win the battle, that only means that God has a purpose why I need to go through that battle and be able to survive. But if I lose, that means I have reached the end of my journey. I have already completed the cycle of life so to speak.

Again, I am not afraid but I am worried. I am worried for the family members and persons dear to me whom I will be leaving behind. I am worried about the pain that they would feel seeing me going and fighting through it. I am willing to fight the battle. But if I see at some point that I don’t have the means for me to be able to continue the fight and if my family are already going through so much emotional pain, that would only be the time that I will give up.

As I was growing up, I have learned that giving up is not part of the options. In fact, giving up should not be included when you are facing life’s real battles. You should always be striving. And I mean striving really hard. Even if it comes to the point that you are almost crying everyday because you felt like giving up but you just can’t. You really cannot win if winning is not your main purpose. If fighting is only done in a half-hearted manner, it will only lead you to nowhere. Life’s real battles aren’t there for us to become losers but for us to become winners. It is how you play the game and it is entirely up to you if you want to emerge defeated or victorious after the battle.

(This was written year 2008.)