Tag Archives: light

Sentimental: Who Am I?

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I am down with my usual migraine attack (on its 5th day now), but this time accompanied by a high fever and eczema too. Whew! It’s kind of difficult to manage everything when every illness you have bolted in altogether. Though I took medicines yesterday, my husband (a nurse) and the doctor at the university infirmary advised me to take 3-5 days of bed rest for my follow-up check-up on Monday, and limit physical activity. While in bed, I thought about writing something.

Speaking of my husband, though, I appreciate him for his nonchalance. That is one thing I wanted to learn from him – how to maintain a worry-free attitude despite the disarray or when things have gone awry. I am, on the other hand, the exact opposite – I worry about everything! 😀 But through time, I have learned to control my worries, and I’ll share how in the succeeding paragraphs.

Dealing With Life’s Atrocities

I know there came in your life wherein you have never felt good enough – as a spouse, as a child, as a parent, as a student, as an employee, as a friend, as a relative, and ultimately as a person.

As a Christian teacher, I have learned that it is even more important to speak life than to criticize students. We might never know; we are already crushing the dreams of a young spirit because of the negativity. Though trials produce resiliency, positive reinforcement is still best. The world is already complicated enough, mainly because we, humans, made it that way.

Every person is different. It’s the same as how every seed grows to be a different plant. Every plant has its own tender and loving care requirements. Yet all plants need sunshine; they all need light.

The Breaking And The Making

When I was a grade school student, I had my first taste of disappointment when I didn’t win as president of the student council, and I was reprimanded during the campaign period along with the rest of my running mates. The offense? We were late in Math class for just a few minutes, and we weren’t allowed to enter the classroom. I took it as my responsibility to take the blame, being the running President, and seeing your peers crying out of shame was enough to break your heart to pieces.

When I was in high school, I had another major disappointment when I only graduated as “special mention” in class after consistently being on the top 3 honors list from 1st year until 3rd year, but failed to meet the criteria for the extracurricular activities, which comprised a huge percentage of the final grades. One of my high school best friends suffered the same fate. We were advised by our parents to never receive the award during the graduation ceremony, though our names were called because they said that we do not deserve it, but we were present during said ceremony.

When I was in college, I wasn’t able to finish my thesis on time because the adviser from our concentration was on sabbatical leave. We were assigned instead to another adviser from another concentration. After submitting my first draft, I got it back only to see red marks written everywhere, and the one thing that was retained in me was this comment: “How did you reach this far if you don’t know how to make a research paper? This is not the work of a UP student!”

I thought, maybe I should also ask my former professors why they passed me in all my other subjects if I am undeserving to be in UP. 😀 Little did I know that there were several of us who got the same remarks. Yep, in our university, you’ll encounter all sorts of professors, but when it comes to critical feedback, I understood it all as part of doing their jobs as teachers.

Then I worked, a dream job it was. But disappointment once again came. The mission and vision of the workplace weren’t met because one of the figures of authority behaved otherwise. I was the recipient of that very unprofessional behavior, and many have seen it. It happened a couple of times, too. I stayed and chose to keep quiet. But after praying about it, I had to let the job go.

God’s Path Towards Salvation

So these were all hang-ups of the past, which I am sure most of us have experienced one way or the other. Others may have gone through even worse than all these, and if given the chance, they are very much entitled to unleash their grievances as much as they want. But unfortunately, as much as we would like to shake them off, they are already embedded in who we are.

All those years, I have struggled with the need to impress, to seriously meet expectations, to be perfect, to excel always, and to prove myself to people. I suffered from anger and resentment boiling in me, and the need to take revenge and retaliate was so strong. I blamed life for bringing me people who did nothing but criticize me for my weaknesses, and only that, and went beyond in criticizing who I am personally, without even the slightest hint of who I really am and what I can do. This resentment and anger included some issues in other areas of my life, too, which I will not share due to their sensitivity. I really thought I was the unluckiest person alive back then.

For 27 years, I have battled with insecurity, the by-product of low self-esteem, poor self-image, and self-worth – the mentality that “I am never good enough.” Failures, wrong decisions, and disappointments became the stronghold that corrupted my entire being until it led me to a major depression – the breaking point, as they say.

Depression robs you of the beauty of life. It makes life look bleak, bland, and distorted. It affects your every decision, and it just kills life itself. Before I was born again in 2013, I committed suicide twice – both were failed attempts.

No, I do not easily give up. I did arrive at that breaking point on the verge of quitting everything, but I still fought hard against it.

I had two options: let the darkness corrupt me and become those people who plagued others or themselves with it OR choose to search for the light, the hope.

Knowing The Savior

The opportunity came for the latter – I was given HOPE.

The greatest moment of my life was when I was born again through my faith. Why? It’s because when I found out who I was in Christ, that was the greatest and the best thing that I have heard about myself for 27 years.

It was on that day when I surrendered myself to Christ that ALL chains got loose – I was set FREE.

The moment has already come for me to look at things from a very different perspective – a total paradigm shift. It wasn’t everything I hoped for, BUT it’s exactly what I NEEDED which no one else could give me except God.

This HOPE taught me even more than what I have learned in the academe or even from life itself. It taught me how to patiently wait for the right opportunities and how to patiently endure every setback. It taught me that there is a time for everything. It taught me to decline job offers and business opportunities that could’ve made me rich in wealth and possessions. It taught me to pass up on chances of earning titles that would’ve given me some sort of self-entitlement and self-fulfillment. It taught me to weigh options, sacrifice if I must. All of these, if they will, in the end, forfeit my soul.

It taught me to choose God’s will over mine. It taught me to rely on God’s plans rather than rely on my own understanding of the circumstances around me. It taught me to relinquish control and allow God to take over. It taught me that GRACE is a gift freely given, even if undeserving. It taught me how to love others even when they do not deserve it. It taught me to find joy, peace, and contentment even when darkness, chaos, and bitterness are all around. It taught me how to let go of the past and forgive.

It taught me what true humility is all about. It taught me to be grateful always. It taught me that simplicity matters most in life. It taught me to look outwardly and consider what others are going through as well. It taught me that if there is a void that the atrocities of life have caused in me, either by wrong choices or by fate, no one and nothing else can fill it up except God.

I found this hope in Christ alone, and I find strength in the Word every day, which is my guide in this life – not any textbook, novel, or company brochure.

“Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.” – Hebrews 11:1

Faith Anchored To Our Souls

Faith did not make my life free from criticism, condemnation, trials, and suffering. Yet it gave me a way to view life beyond that – salvation in eternity.

I still find myself in situations I have stated in the first part of this article. But this time, I have learned to see these instances from a different standpoint. I have learned to understand first where some people are coming from and why they are that way. I have learned to understand that maybe they are still in the darkness, too, driven perhaps by the need to compete, to be the best, and to meet expectations, dealing with their own insecurities and personal struggles, too. Or they have this false motive to instill in those who are next in line exactly what they went through, because in this “dog-eat-dog” world, repaying evil with evil is normal. Only God knows everything. What I observed, though, is that when people prick each other to bleed, it’s better to choose to be the rose among the thorns – the salt and light. 🙂

There are times the past comes all rushing back; it haunts. Another disappointment will ruffle your feathers. The need to lash out and punish calls. But I choose LIFE. I will speak LIFE.

Because Christ has given me LIFE. He, alone, gave me LIGHT. It is my duty as His follower to use that light so others can walk in and with Him, too, despite the darkness around them.

Ah, yes. Them.

One day, they will be brought out in the light, too. They will break standards, cultural traditions, and not conform to this world wherever they may be and whatever they may be doing. They will choose to fight for faith and spread light when hope seems dim. That was the reason I was smiling because I was praying for them silently, and I am claiming it all in the Mighty Name of Jesus, who made it possible for me, too. 🙂

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth, you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

P.S.

It’s been 3 years now since I got saved, and when things don’t go the way I’ve expected them to be, I have this bookmark to remind me of who I am. I thank the sister in Christ who gave this when she facilitated a talk during my baptism of the Holy Spirit. I have carried it with me since then. The last verse listed is my life verse. 🙂

What matters is who I am in Christ. 🙂

Oh, and yes, one new thing I have learned too from our couples’ bible study Vgroup 2 Sundays ago (thanks Tito Tony and Tita Len for the wisdom) – the boiling water concept. If you put eggs in boiling water, they become hard. But if you put the potato in it, it becomes soft. I choose to be a potato – a couch potato. Kidding. *wink*

Seriously, it only means that when life and circumstances knock you down, don’t bear any grudge and don’t be hard on yourself and on others. Instead, let it soften you, let it refine you, and let it make you better. Be a better potato, I mean, a better man/woman. 😉

Last but not least, reach out to God, and then God will send His people (spiritual family) to help usher you out of the ordeal. I am praying for your struggles, too, my dear reader and brother/sister in Christ. If you also need to share a tough ordeal and are in need of a prayer intercession, you may always pop me an email. ❤

Celebrating The Good Days In Our Mediocre Lives

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I have always been a life-lover. This is probably one reason why I became passionate about everything. Even when I was in my darkest days, I still chose life. And life lived in this world can only get interesting and awesome when lived according to the Truth.

I usually am a multitasker. My brain can accommodate finishing at least ten tasks in a day – big or small. But lately, I can only do so far as my body can accommodate. I had to stop in-between tasks as nausea would begin to creep in and if I don’t stop, there goes the splitting migraine. I really planned on having the medical check up next week so I can monitor the condition of my health for the remaining days of this week and by that time, maybe I will have sufficient information to share with my doctor.

I guess my condition is the opportunity God gave me to really enjoy life, like enjoy every minute of it, not worrying about anything. Savor it in other words. Being busy with a lot of things can sometimes put you in that moment wherein you live life according to your daily routine and you get drowned by all the things that you need to accomplish for the short term or long term without being able to really appreciate all of them by the end of the day. I believe God has a reason why I had to write the first article for this year as “An Appreciative 2016.” I felt like the overall mood for this year is “darker,” and yet God wanted to tell us to appreciate it all and see the “Light.”

Indeed, when you have learned to trust God with everything, all that you do will follow the course of His plans and not of your actions. Life, for me, was put in a standstill. I oftentimes ask God why circumstances brought me in a way that pursuing my master’s degree would require I become jobless. And I was supposed to finish it last semester but I overlooked the deadline for filing for my extension in my residency at the university which means I wasn’t able to enroll this semester. In other words, I was forced to take a leave of absence in graduate school. But it kind of came in timely, why? Because I have planned on taking the licensure examination this March thus, most of my time is now spent on reviewing for said exam. Originally though, I planned to do my master’s thesis and review for the exam at the same time.

So what happened was that I was given a break from thesis work which is something that requires A LOT in all aspects. I was able to concentrate on just one task which is to review for the exam and entertain an opportunity wherein I was scheduled to attend a training for the Senior Writer post in the online magazine I have been contributing for in the past years. The job responsibilities are not as taxing as compared if you are working full time in an office and yet it would still require quite an amount of input, effort and time. BUT the good thing with this is that I don’t have to report for work at certain times every day and deal with all the stress of traveling/commuting, etc. Technically I am a freelance writer, but I am not really pursuing my writing as a means to get compensated. I just love to write for the love of writing. 🙂

Then it all dawned on me that indeed, God has a reason for everything and everything happens perfectly in His time. God knows when I reach this age, my body will start to regress. I am grateful that my master’s thesis didn’t allow work for doing both work and thesis will be STRESS at the maximum level. Even work alone is already a big STRESS right there. God knows my body won’t be able to take in all the stress that I’ll be getting from work and graduate study. He gave me a break.

Because pursuing both even if it is against His will would mean any illness that I have could progress to an even faster rate which is synonymous to me dying at a really young age. Maybe it is not yet my time to die that early. So God prolonged my health by giving me tasks that He knows I can handle for now until I have a final assessment of my health and be given the proper treatment.

In my current condition, I really have plenty of time to contemplate about a lot of things. I only stay at home before while I do my thesis work at my own pace because I do not have a job. I still get to do a lot of things though even if I do not have work – opportunities to explore and try a lot of things which are endless and they just keep on coming. But now, I really can’t do much. Again, everything at a standstill. It is only this blog that gives me the opportunity to do something while at home and resting which still gives me an opportunity to do something that I love. 🙂

So now my husband asked me, “Honey, what are your priorities again? You are not getting any younger. What is it that you want to do in life?”  If I am my usual stubborn, defiant self, I normally would reply with a sarcastic remark like “Yeah, I know that already. You don’t have to remind me what I should be doing in this life.”

But, I found myself thinking about 3 bible verses right at that moment. The first one is my life verse and the two that followed are my next favorites.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13

“Commit your actions to the Lord and your plans will succeed.” – Proverbs 16:3

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.” – Proverbs 3:5-6

So that’s how I replied to him. I am planning on explaining/adding something to that but I thought, try to keep it that way, Tin. Let the bible verses speak for themselves. As the Scripture goes,

“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,..” – 2 Timothy 3:16

THUS,

“And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God’s purpose is that people should fear Him.” – Ecclesiastes 3:14

“And if anyone removes any of the words from this book of prophecy, God will remove that person’s share in the tree of life and in the holy city that are described in this book.” – Revelation 22:19

Faith has taught me that if you want to get your message across, do not just explain and state opinions or experiences, but most importantly, share them in light of the Scripture. And even better is when you share the bible verses at the right time and the right place with any people just as they are – no explanation/interpretation needed. I believe it is God who will touch accordingly the hearts, the minds and the spirits of the people whom you have shared these verses with.

We cannot always assume that a particular verse has the same meaning or that it can be applied in all situations at all times with everyone. God still dictates how these bible verses from the Scripture will come to life according to His plans and purposes. All it takes? LISTEN intently when the Spirit tells you to act on or say about something. It is in Ecclesiastes 3 that everything I write and say is rooted in.

Never ever trust your human emotions. Believe me, I have done that and it has failed me countless of times. It never will give you the solution and the end product that you are hoping to achieve.

Back to our text messages, I believe the message went through to my husband as he came home not bringing up the topic again and is now more attentive to my needs. Don’t get me wrong though, I do not mean to be selfish but I just noticed how much he has changed right now with me – more caring, more helpful, more understanding, a little more patient and he listens well when we converse.

Maybe it has something to do with the change in me too. *wink*  When we just got married, we were like cats and dogs trying to live in one territory knowing ALL our differences. I have promised myself before I got into a relationship that I will never ever nag as it is one of the “relationship killers”  but I found myself becoming exactly like that. If not for my husband telling me how hurtful I can become when I would correct him with this and that did I realize that oh no, Tin, you’ve been entangled in the dreaded web of nagging.

So I prayed to God how could I possibly let my thoughts out without hurting my husband. Or in other words, how can I speak the truth in love? 🙂

Praise God for post it sticky notes. Came the idea that when there’s this particular spot inside the house wherein my hubby usually does a bad habit that I wanted to correct, I would write a note with so much affection and words of endearment reminding him to do the opposite – the good one. It worked. BUT I know I cannot do that all the time so I settled with writing just ONE note for that one bad habit that affects greatly how we do things around the house. Yes, just one note. And as for the rest of our differences, for some I have to let them be, and for some I have to wait for God to do all the changing.

This resulted in BETTER days for me and my hubby. Which means we both get to sleep well and at peace at night. BUT that was what I thought. Because my brains won’t allow me. *big smiles*

Last night was supposed to be a peaceful rest and deep sleep. But because I have a very active brain, sensations can send nerve impulses that make my muscles move involuntarily. Like when I sleep talk or sleep walk.

Whap! There’s a very huge wasp biting my neck! So I hit it with the back of my hand. But I suddenly woke up – the wasp was a dream. But it was so real, for sure it wasn’t just a dream. So did I just hit someone with my hand?!?!

Uh oh…

Yes, my bad, it is dear hubby of mine whom I smacked across the face with the back of my hand thinking he was the wasp because of his mustache pressed onto my neck. lol 😀

I hugged my hubby and apologized but he just groaned in his deep sleep. *wink*  Okay that wasn’t a peaceful night but I can’t help not sharing this to my husband when we woke up the next day. We both laughed our lungs out because we have agreed that the next time we sleep together, he has to bind my hands or bind me along with the bed.

On a serious note, something is happening in my brains that I can’t explain as my dreams are becoming more and more real. But, I have next week to find out. So please pray with me my dear brothers and sisters. 🙂

But for now, I should continue doing what I always would do and what I love to do. I plan on eating really healthy so I am now back to cooking our food full time which I really love to do especially since I only get to do light tasks now. And I plan on doing more creative stuff like this photo collage which I printed out and pasted in my husband’s tumbler so he’d remember every best experience that we have shared together every now and then when he’s at work.

PicMonkey Collage

Happy memories! ❤ ❤ ❤

What I realized is that this life at a standstill is more about appreciating the life that God has given me now instead on brooding over my past and my future and appreciating what really matters – not wealth, not titles, not possessions, not your ambitions, and other worldly things. There really are so many things that I should appreciate and be grateful for. For one, simple things just make your days good, better even.

And I just want to end this by saying that life just never stops for a life-lover and a Jesus-lover. 🙂

Cheers to LIFE my dear friends! ❤

Day 3: FREEDOM

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Today is July 2.

Today marks the last day of our Mid-Year Prayer and Fasting.

Today I declare FREEDOM. 🙂

thebottomofabottle.wordpress.com

thebottomofabottle.wordpress.com

I am claiming to be free from the stronghold of the enemy and I declare living a spirit free from condemnation, guilt and impurities.

When you are saved, you will always go back to that moment where you felt free and at peace. No place here on Earth can give you that except the Cross. With all the pain, the agony and the trauma, it is sometimes difficult to stand up and yet you know deep within yourself that you can never ever go back to who you were and into the darkness.

Eat, Pray, Love: A Woman’s Search For Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia is one of my favorite movies and books about faith, hope and love. I can totally relate to Julia Robert‘s character in the movie (Liz) and yes, I also came to this point:

There’s a crack (or cracks) in everyone…that’s how the light of God gets in.”  

– Elizabeth Gilbert; EAT, PRAY, LOVE

Calling out to God in prayer is the best way to be saved – to have a new life, a new start, a new spirit. Faith in God by trusting Him with all that you are and all that you have will lead you closer to Him and He will assure you and protect you with His presence and majestic power. Yes, some call them “miracles,” others “magic,” some “wonders,” but as for me I call them as God – the living God. 🙂

My Paulo Coehlo planner that my brother and my sister-in-law gave me last year as a Christmas gift played a huge role in my day to day spiritual journey for this year. And sometimes I just smile for yes, the quotes exactly describe what I am going through and/or what I needed to do.

Tin Ginete

July: Magic Moments

The month of July is an art work of blue, my favorite color. Blue signifies peace. And the phrase for this month is “MAGIC MOMENTS.”

This is also the quotation for this month:

“Anyone who pays close enough attention to each day will discover its magical moment.” 

– Paulo Coehlo, BY THE RIVER PIEDRA I SAT DOWN AND WEPT

My devotion of the day in Our Daily Bread  shares a similar thought – it is about “A Flying Miracle.”

“O Lord, how manifold are Your works! In wisdom You have made them all. The earth is full of Your possessions.”

– Psalm 104:24

Tin Ginete

Our Daily Bread/July 2: A Flying Miracle

And I just came across this music video by Big Daddy Weave entitled Overwhelmed which will speak so much of what God has made me see over the past days, weeks, months and years.

Yes, my July will be magical. Magical in the sense that I am believing for God’s miracles to take place. He already started it last night which I can refer to as my “revelations day.”  And I believe it is not the last that He will perform. I know I am in for a really “magical” ride for this month. One of the verses for today’s prayer and fasting devotion assures me of that:

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act.””

– Psalm 37:4-5

It was Grace that brought me to my knees, it was Grace that lifted me up and it was Grace that taught me who is GREATER.

I can only proclaim my freedom knowing deep inside me that no other god is like my GOD – the One who redeems and the One who saves. I am just excited for what God has in store for me. Yes, that’s how much I LOVE MY GOD. 😉

The following is the main verse for our mid-year prayer and fasting and while browsing through Eat, Pray, Love movie clips, I stumbled upon a music video by Mercy Me.

Please read the verse with your heart and watch the video – a perfect way to end this article and our mid-year prayer and fasting. To God be the GLORY! 😀

“Then shall your light break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up speedily; your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard. Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am’…”

– Isaiah 58:8,9

Free and Forgiven

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“God breaks us apart so we can be whole in Him.”

Far too often read and said in any faith-motivating speech or article. And yet I only got to take in the gist of it all now in this season.

God breaks our hearts open so we could become vulnerable. It is through our vulnerability that we become aware of our weaknesses. In our weaknesses we then become aware that we need a God who will help us overcome them weaknesses.

In this moment of vulnerability we are put in a crucial spot of choosing whether to let the enemy deceive us and win or choose God and be guided.

Oftentimes the enemy’s powerful weapon is deception and his perfect tool to accomplish it is your past. Sometimes your past will come again just before your eyes. And you have two things in your hand:

1. You let it destroy your present by feeling guilty and shameful once again.

OR.

2. You can choose to dismiss it because you are now free and forgiven – if you have been saved already.

I must say I was bordering number 1 to the point that my faith began to slacken. Fear overtook and then it just dawned on me that I haven’t attended church for a while now due to commitments, a busy schedule and  a lot of intervening factors that I didn’t see them coming including the conflicts in my personal relationships that aggravated the disconnect in faith.

But God is faithful. He doesn’t give you something wherein that something will be of no good use to you. He sometimes uses them in circumstances that you least likely expect. I shared to my fiance the feeling of disconnection I have lately and that I feel I am not entitled to be in church anymore because my old self is coming back and he was also a witness of that. He has seen the kind of rage I used to have and the old bad habits overtaking me for the most part.

Yet it was him that I least expect to say that “the more that we have to go to church.” And I was shocked to hear it coming from him. Definitely not him whom I am urging to join a bible study group and a one to one discipleship so he would be born again but he declined saying it is not yet the perfect time. Not him whom I consider as not yet a devoted believer based on my own standards.

And yet again, God made me realize at that moment that my fiance is also my brother in Christ because he is His precious child too. It is not for me to judge why he has been given to me or whether he is the 1 or from the 99.

We went to church and once again I felt refreshed and renewed. But came more pressing issues, the wedding. Ideally, the engagement period should last for 6 months utmost according to the Marriage Preparation Seminar we attended in church. And this month is our 6th month as a couple. The temptation is getting strong but we cannot pull off a church wedding this year. Came another option – have a civil wedding.

But my constant question came out of fear – “Will I forever be unequally yoked?” There is no more turning back after the wedding – it is the real deal. They say that a husband/wife can make or break you. He wasn’t able to join a group in church whom he can consider as his spiritual family through his fellow brothers in Christ before we get married.

I was beginning to lose hope in connecting him with a spiritual family who would help him foster a deeper relationship with the Lord. Because I know I can never change Him and all God can through a spiritual family. It will never be enough that we attend church.

And while I was brooding over the options we have, asking God, praying to God, came a thought that never ever crossed my mind until now. When we get married, I will no longer be attending my bible study group with fellow single sisters in Christ but will be joining a couples’ bible study group. Chances are high that he will be attending it with me. Because he knows how vital it is for me to attend a bible study group and I plan to have it before our usual church service. And that answers my question.

There is still hope that he will be saved. 

And having this in mind, I can only shout praises of honor and glory to Him. Indeed, my little, human mind will never ever grasp God’s bigger plans and what is to come. I can only wait when He instructs and reveals all in His perfect time. I asked him a couple days ago if he is interested to join a couple’s bible study group and he said, “yes.” And for now, what I can only do is continue praying that God will keep His beautiful promises for us both as a couple and that we may grow spiritually together along and through other fellow couples in Christ. 🙂

Indeed, the way that every person is saved is very different from the other. I was so clueless before and so focused on the problem that I never noticed God is showing me there is ALWAYS hope through Jesus Christ who is the way, the truth and the light. And now I understand too why when I had my bible study group for fellow single sisters in Christ, I have a co leader. She will be taking in charge of the group when the right time comes for me to leave the group. It will be heartbreaking but I am also praying I get to keep my fellowship with them even if I’m in a new season already.

I was in utmost humility as I suddenly remembered this verse all through this:

Matthew 8:26

” Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!” Then He got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.”

Indeed, I have so little faith and yet I am always and forever will be grateful God is faithful, He gives me PEACE, He provides me EVERYTHING and never fails in keeping His promises. His LOVE endures forever though I do not deserve it. It is time I grow my faith bigger in this season. I have read in Rick Warren’s book that we have to set aside our own personal agenda and focus on loving other people more not looking on who they were and who they are now but rather on who they can be.

I cannot tell for certain what I know is what will happen. For I cannot see the plans of God. And yet it is just comforting to know that God is and will be with me along the way. He just not give me signs and verses from the Scripture but importantly, I can feel that the Spirit is leading the way. I know that like how Jesus completed His mission, so too are we going to carry our own “cross.” And what I have shared may be what I have to carry for now. The following verses reminded me that:

Matthew 16:24 NLT

“Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.”

Matthew 7:14 NLT

“But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it.”

And an even GREATER reminder – OBEDIENCE:

1 Samuel 15:22 NLT

“But Samuel replied, “What is more pleasing to the Lord : your burnt offerings and sacrifices or your obedience to His voice?

Listen! Obedience is better than sacrifice, and submission is better than offering the fat of rams.”

I believe this is what God meant to be really free and forgiven. And I can only pray that I’d be successful in completing the mission of glorifying Him, making Him known until the time comes I can also say that “it is finished.” 🙂

Look At The Red Light

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“Look at the red light…”

That was what my surgeon, Dr. Ang, would tell me when I had my femtosecond lasik surgery on both eyes as a study patient at Asian Eye Institute last November 2013. I was overjoyed upon hearing I passed the initial screening considering I am a myopic with a 7.50 grade on both eyes, a .25 astigmatism on my right eye and my test results confirmed I have a thin cornea. This proposed as a problem among the research team as any miscalculation during the surgery will be considered fatal. Yes, I am what eye experts would call as legally blind. It was my very first surgery and I was extremely nervous. It is actually very ironic because I have never been confined in a hospital, never loved the idea, and yet there I was having my eye surgery – 100% conscious. 🙂

My brother accompanied me to AEI and stayed there until the time came that I was ushered into the clean room 30 minutes prior to prepare for the procedure. Drops were placed on my eyes and I cannot give you the specifics as to what kind of drops they were. (Sorry, I am not a medical professional.) 😉

While waiting, I saw nothing except for a blur because I am not wearing my eyeglasses anymore. I was sitting pretty and comfy then my name was called. A nurse guided me inside the operating room and I could not even see where the procedure will take place. Oh poor eyesight, poor me indeed.

I just sat and lied down where they instructed me and I sort of relied on my other senses for most of the session – sense of touch most definitely and my sense of hearing. Then I heard my doctor’s voice explaining what we are about to go through and I just nodded staring at the ceiling. Or something else? I am not so sure as I really could not tell because everything was really a blur.

Then came the squishy water poured over my eyes and I could see a bright light, probably the ones used during surgical procedures. A machine hovered over my eyes and I felt pressure. They did this for each eye then I saw a thin piece of metal being inserted to clip my eyelids which would prevent my eyes from closing during the operation. Then more liquid came gushing into my eyes and what I remembered next was a very thin and tiny piece of rod used to scrape my cornea and to lift it up.

After they did this, I totally saw nothing. It was all white, not even silhouettes or shadows. Then came Dr. Ang’s words reminding me to look at the red light. That was the time they started using the laser to correct the shape of my cornea and enhance my visual acuity. I could smell burning flesh. It is a good thing though I didn’t throw up but I am so close to panic mode with a heartbeat racing faster than the normal. Now this is probably the reason why Dr. Ang would always remind me to look at the red light. My eyes are trying to look for something. That was my first feeling on how it is to be completely blind. Almost complete darkness but I can see no lines, no movement, no anything except for a very faint red light from a distance which I so tried to search and focus on.

Just like the Truth and the Light.

Imagine yourself in a dark, deep pit. You see nothing around you, tried to grope around you but the darkness is too overwhelming it suffocates your entire being. It clings on to you as if of a cloak that you cannot just take off every time you want to. Then you see a very, very tiny light from afar. So tiny you would find it difficult to focus on.

BUT then again, you are too scared to let that light pass you by so you stared at it far too long. You reached out your hand to take hold of it so it wouldn’t escape you. Then just as sudden as you have reached out your hand, the light started to become bigger and bigger. Until you felt yourself being lifted slowly, bit by bit, out of that dark, deep pit.

Alas, you saw the light. You now see everything more clearly. And it was a wonderful feeling. Until now, it still is.

No longer will you settle to be surrounded by darkness but you will try harder to search for that light. Every time the claws of darkness will take hold of you, you try every effort and every ounce of strength in you to escape it. Because you know that “at the end of every tunnel there comes light.”

A guiding force will lead you out of the struggle – out of the pit, out of the darkness. A force that is more powerful than anything in this world. The force came in the form of a man. The man who, though was brought to pain and suffering, became the light that shone all through mankind. The light that can never be extinguished, that stood shining above all peril in all its darkness.

Jesus Christ was and is that Light.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” – John 14:6

He came to be with us, because He loved us first. As I savor in this light, I know my love for Him will be my passage to reclaiming that light in moments that it becomes dim. But I know for certain, it will never diminish and for as long as I see that light, there is hope. And I will cling on to that until the Lord’s work in me is done.

I live for only one thing – to glorify my God, the living Father. He lives in you and me. Do not depart from the light, seek it with all your heart. Then, you will know how it really feels to be saved and to be loved. 🙂