A Seasoned Life: My Past vs My Present

@ Dads (Kamayan)

@ Dads (Kamayan)

Life is like a drink.

Sometimes it is too sweet, but sometimes it becomes too sour. Sometimes it is bland and sometimes it just has the perfect blend.

I grew up with a lot of fears. I grew up knowing too well what my weaknesses are. I grew up with a lot of insecurities.

I got out of that world. A hunger crept within me. I explored, soared – I am enjoying every single bit of it. That was my notion of “freedom.”

Danger was lurking the moment I stepped out and spread my wings. I soared high unwary of failures. I held on to what this world offers. I made a lot of mistakes, far too many I lost track of what is good and what is right.

Then I fell.

I felt an excruciating pain. A pain from a wound that is nowhere visible. I sobbed, sprawled in the bathroom floor, on my bed, in a corner. Endless gruelling fits of flowing tears that continued for days, weeks, months and years.

Then I surrendered.

I surrendered to His love. It was because of His love that I was saved. I repented and I accepted – my faith as my fate. That I am His daughter and that He is my Father and my Master. Obedience and service to Him who made what I have now and where I am now possible.

Did I ever think that I would be where I am now? No. I had no idea. But I had felt it. It was far too strong to dismiss. To heed to the calling of being where I truly belong – in His refuge.

My drink now? I must say it’s the four seasons fruit drink – a combination of different flavors. Not too sweet nor too sour, just the right flavor. I am just happy I am ending this year with just the right attitude, the right faith and the right spirit.

Now, let’s drink to that and be merry, shall we? 😉

He and I Communicated

It usually takes me 2 days after I have written an article or even a post like this one to publish it online. Those two days are usually for editing i.e. grammatical errors, sentence construction redo, delivery of ideas, etc. That’s why I have a Word file saved in my laptop where I write my thoughts down or a pen and paper beside me for those impromptu thoughts and ideas. I do a lot of editing and just plain technical editing. But that was before. Now, these two days aren’t just the usual editing, because the editing done comes from God. How and why?

I guess I need to tell you too that being vocal about my thoughts and making a lot of ‘noise’ on social media about my faith brought me to people calling me names such as a hypocrite; banal na aso, santong kabayo; Ms. Goody Two-shoes and a whole lot of other names. (Mind you, I am not offended, I am just amused.) I can go by a lot of nicknames pala. 😀

Nah, kidding aside, there comes a point wherein I do ask God before I post an article or a status update if it is the right thing to “say.” Did I write it too outlandish? Or was it too vulgar? Or did I use the proper words that were meant to be understood and not meant to ruin someone else? Do I sound too prying or too imposing? Did I share those words/thoughts in a manner that You wanted me to share it? Am I making the message across just right when it comes to faith and God? Or I’ll just deactivate my Facebook account, or I’ll just delete my blog site, or just do it altogether?

Of course, no matter how tempting deactivating is to me, which I actually did a hundred of times already way back when I wasn’t a Christian yet, it was one of my commitments to never do it again when I got saved. I just felt that I should not. Not again. Not anymore.

Because I love writing.

I love expressing my thoughts through words.  Not verbal, not in front of a crowd, but with a pencil and paper or in front of a computer screen.  I hate public speaking, I am not good at it. I stutter, my thoughts get lost as fast as it comes. My spoken words are all a jumble.

So yes, I have been praying over a lot of my posts lately here on social media. I have prayed earnestly up to the point that I asked God to talk to me in my dream, tell me directly what He would want me to do with my love for writing and is there a way that I could have done it better. I asked Him not to give signs and let me do the guessing if it is from Him or not. I fell for that trap when the enemy used it to his own advantage.

I woke up the next day, did my daily routine and opened my Twitter account. Guess what I read in my news feed?

This:

“Don’t give up on what God has called you to do. The end result is worth the pain.”

God's Daughters

God’s Daughters

To think that I wasn’t even a follower yet of this profile (upon reading the post). So I thought, “how did it get in my news feed and how come it is the only thing I saw in my Twitter page?”

I have no idea.

Read it again, this time in the profile of God’s Daughters. Okay, I got it. It is the answer to my prayer – timely, accurate, and concise. All I could blurt out was: Hallelujah! I will always be Your follower may it be on Twitter or everywhere. Now happy to serve You. 😉

Typhoon Yolanda Reminder: As A Filipino, I Will Always Be A Christian Bicolana

In light of the recent calamity that killed thousands of people in the Visayas and Mindanao regions affecting several  neighboring provinces including my hometown in Bicol here in the Philippines and as a Filipino, I would like to ask for your support, in any way that you possibly can, for the victims of the super typhoon Yolanda.

Please visit this link for a list of legitimate organizations/relief centers where you could send in your donations: http://www.wheninmanila.com/verified-legit-ways-to-help-super-typhoon-haiyan-yolanda-victims-how-to-donate-or-volunteer-with-legitimate-organizations/.

Or if you cannot, please join us in praying for our fellow countrymen. We, the Filipinos, will be extremely grateful for any help and support that you could offer.

To my dear fellow Filipinos, though we may have severely suffered, rest in the fact that we are never alone in this. We will rise and rise we will with the help of our fellow brothers and sisters from all around this world. Despite the adversities that have brought us down to our knees, our kindred spirits will remain to be strong and steadfast. Our cries for plea, our tears for our losses, our battered and tired bodies – it is our strong spirits that will never falter.

I pray that through these all, may the Lord God Almighty continue to shower us with His love, protection, guidance and provisions.

Continue to hope, continue to pray, continue to strive in finding the good in what was left – again, we are never alone.

May God bless us all!

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Wherever God would take me, whatever God would give me, I will bring with me two identities: first, I am a Christian and second, I am a Bicolana.

The majestic Mt. Mayon and I.

The majestic Mt. Mayon and I.

I can never be more proud of anything I have and whoever I have become other than those two I have mentioned.

Why a Christian? I am nothing and nobody without my God, first and foremost. My identity is in Him. I need not say more as it is what it already is.

Why a Bicolana then? Ahh, this is most likely where I’ll be explaining more.

I grew up in the province. I spent more than half of my life there. As of writing, that is. There’s no other place that I could ever call ‘home’ except Bulan. Yes, that is my hometown, specifically located in the south of Luzon island, Sorsogon City, Philippines.

Bulan, Sorsogon

Bulan, Sorsogon

It has a distance of 667 kilometres (414 mi) from Manila, 63 kilometres (39 mi) from the province’s capital Sorsogon City, 20 kilometres (12 mi) from the town of Irosin and 30 kilometres (19 mi) from the town of Matnog. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bulan,_Sorsogon)

Sorsogon City is a coastal area, surrounded by beaches of all sand color. From white, to pink, to black –  you name it, we have it. Rich of natural resources, fishing and farming have been the sources of livelihood of almost all the Bulanons (that’s how we generally call ourselves).

Fishing

Fishing

If there is one value that being a Bicolana has taught me, it would be this – knowing your roots. In other words, learn to look back from your humble beginnings. Bulan is the one thing that has taught me how it is to be humble and to be grateful. Humility bespeaks when the heart is in awe of the mediocre. I know you are going to agree with me right there.

I came from a family of farmers. My parents, my grandparents and the parents before them all came from humble beginnings. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them. Gratitude is what I could offer to my ancestors, for the sacrifices and hard work that they have invested in providing the best for their families.

I came from a generation wherein I don’t have to go to the fields and do the farming myself and go home with sweaty clothes covered in mud just to pay for all of my expenses and supply my needs. An experience I never had to go through and yet something that I would want to go through.

CIRCA 1980s: My mom, aunts, uncles along with my grandparents.

CIRCA 1980s: My mom, aunts, uncles along with my grandparents.

They say that for someone to appreciate the value of something less than its market value and more of its sentimental value, you have to work for it and have it like how it is usually done and achieved. You have to sweat it out, so to speak.

I was listening to the podcast of Pastor Christian Flores regarding Victory’s new series entitled “It’s Not About The Money” two Sundays ago and he mentioned about the story of a farmer and how this farmer has invested his earnings in acquiring an even bigger barn where he could store more which actually resulted to his own destruction.

That made me thought about our farm, our farmers and what do we really get from it. For starters, our farm house did not change though how many years and decades have passed, we are earning just enough, we are still living frugal lives though we have acquired some possessions through time – still, I think it is not about the money. Money, for us, is something that has to do with survival but never to accumulate great wealth and live grandiose, rich lives.

I might be speaking out of righteousness here but if you will personally ask me, that is how I think it should be. I do not wish to dwell on this matter then and will just leave all the explaining to our Pastors as they lead us on with the series – a reason for you to stay tuned for our upcoming podcasts or better yet visit a nearby Victory church: http://victory.org.ph/. (Sorry for the shameless plugging, but I felt you would understand it better if the explaining would come from our church leaders).

victoryqc.org

victoryqc.org

This is the season of harvesting and when I went home during the holidays last November 1 and 2, I chanced upon the last harvest in our farm. I have skin asthma and as much as I should be staying away from hay, I know it would not stop me from going along with my Dad. I suffered the consequences later on – cough got worse and itchy rashes came out that last for usually a week leaving black spots on your skin that last for about how many months.

Anyway, the last time I have been with my Dad during harvesting was when I was around 6 or 7 years old. I could still remember how our parents would ask us (not really me as I was way too young, but my sisters and brother) to help in drying the “palay” we have harvested so they would be sold to the millers for a good price before they sell it to the market.

And yes, how could I forget all the scurrying here and there, to and fro when dark clouds come and heavy rains start to pour. It only means sweeping the grains, piling and covering them up as FAST as you can to prevent them from getting wet, thus lowering the chances of getting a low price as “palay” buyers measure the moisture content of the rice grains. The drier the grain is, the higher its market value.

Harvesting and threshing of palay.

Harvesting and threshing of palay.

My Dad is not a farmer per se. He is a civil engineer who juggled two occupations at the same time – that of a farmer and a superintendent at the National Irrigation Administration in the Bicol region (officially at San Ramon, OIC in Masbate and Sorsogon City). He is now 74 years old, retired from his engineering career and yet a continuing farmer. I have always admired my Dad, how at his age, still manages to do what he would always do at the farm despite his arthritis, gout attacks, hypertension, cataract and other illnesses of the aged. Although we don’t dry the harvested rice grains anymore to lessen the stress level of all the scurrying and hurrying, tending the farm is still a busy work to do.

I went to the farm with my Dad not to harvest the grains myself and have them threshed out but witness how it is usually done. I have to get into the particulars as to how to do this and that. Well, I might consider farming as my job someday. Yes, “Tin” the farm girl. *wink* I think I heard my Kuya’s sarcastic chuckle back there again. Haha Yeah, right. And yes, I wanted to observe how our farmers do it – our trusted and loyal workers. I admired them more than I have admired an office employee (no offense to office workers). But hard labor is no easy job. Exposed in the heat of the sun, bending over for hours either planting rice seedlings or harvesting them, soaked in mud or inhaling the itchy hay dust when threshing are, for me, among the most challenging tasks.

I closely looked at all of them. I saw Tio Digoy and Tio Kadog – they are the oldest among all of them. They have been working for my Dad since I was a kid. Now, their sons are working for us as well. I have learned to love them for all that they have put up for me and my family. I am praying that someday, through us, their sons, daughters and grandchildren will have a better future because of their parents and grandparents’ hard work. Though that means we might lose workers in our farms, it would also be equivalent to giving everyone the chance to have better lives than what they have now.

I am praying too that someday, there will no longer be a need for manual labor and everything will be run by machines, operated in a clean office from planting to harvesting rice. And that goes as well for harvesting coconuts and converting them into copra. The team of Tio Digoy also does them for us. Skilled, they really are. My family and I will always be grateful to them. We will always be grateful to Him for any blessing that He has bestowed as well as for His guidance and protection not just to me and my family but to our workers and their families as well.

Coconuts being made into copra.

Coconuts being made into copra.

So if you think this is what I do in Bicol:

Think again, because this is what I usually do:

"Tin, The Farm Girl"

“Tin, The Farm Girl”

Well, aside from washing the dishes, cleaning the house, feeding the pets, etc. and having a little vacation time. We have no helpers/”yayas” back home and here in Manila, by the way.

Now, that is who I really am. Look back, give back  and be grateful.

Teardrops On My Guitar – Not

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Variation of a G Chord

“Music heals the soul.”

Yes, I know all too well how overrated this phrase may seem, but it never ceases to remind us the part that music plays in our lives – a big part.

Just like art and writing, music can never be out of the scene. I believe art, music, writing, literature, and poetry are all entwined to create beautiful masterpieces that speak to and connect with the soul.

So, here comes my baby girl. 🙂

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Flicka

She goes by the name of Flicka. I named her after the 2006 movie entitled Flicka, which is about a beautiful horse and a girl and the special bond they were able to form through a series of challenges that they both went through. It was a very beautiful movie – both melodramatic and inspiring.

My brother gave this guitar to me as a college graduation gift back in 2006, supposed to be. But I was never able to graduate on time. So Flicka (my guitar), became my best friend instead. She has been my best friend for 7 years now.

She does carry some ‘scratches’ all throughout those years and like me, she has lots to say about those ‘scratches’ too. That is, if she can only talk or write. But one thing’s for sure, they are good stories, for the most part. 🙂
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Life’s Real Battle

The reason why I have decided to write this blog entry is because of the crude realities that my family and I have to undergo recently and hopefully overcome successfully. Really, after going through the situations we’ve been through, you really can’t help thinking that life is indeed complex and things do happen unexpectedly.

A few years ago, my aunt was diagnosed with cancer. We were all devastated after finding out about our aunt’s condition. The doctors suggested that she should undergo chemotherapy and blood transfusion. What is even harder to accept is the fact that the doctors told her that she is only expected to live until December this year. My aunt is in Bicol together with my parents. And when our mom called to tell us the bad news, it was really a huge shock to all of us since the last time we saw her after going through the chemotherapy, she was almost okay. We knew that she is already in the terminal stage but we weren’t expecting that it would be this soon. And what was so tragic about the news is that the month set to be her last is December. The month wherein everyone is expected to celebrate the Christmas season. In short, it’s a ‘happy’ month to most families. The time to get together and to enjoy the presence of each and everyone in the family.

But, I guess, that if indeed it is true that my aunt will only be given the chance to live until December, we really do have to prepare ourselves for what’s to come. But we are really hoping and praying hard that she would live longer and though we may not be there for her always to comfort and support her, we always include her in our prayers. That’s the best thing that we could do for now since life must go on for us. We really can’t stay contemplating about what happened and why it has happened. That’s one hard fact that I have learned about life.

My mom went through the same experience when she was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was seven years old. She underwent mastectomy and though they successfully removed the affected areas, we were still not that 100% sure that she won’t be having it again in the next years to come. We are hoping and praying real hard that it really won’t come back.

What I do admire about my mom though is the way she was able to face life and live it again after the operation. The courage and the strength to withstand all the physical and emotional pain is the best thing I admired from my mom. What she went through was not just a battle that she, alone, has to face, but it is also a battle that the rest of the family, the rest of us have to fight through. That was a tough battle for all of us but we were able to go through that and emerge victorious in the end. Prayers and the love of the family are the things that I think kept her going through those critical moments. Though we may be always there to comfort her, we all know that it is not enough to remove all the emotional pain that she is experiencing. We were so glad that my mom is okay now and we are really hoping that those are the only critical moments that the family has to go through again. But we could only hope for the best so far.

Breast cancer is successive in each generation of our family starting from the mother of my grandmother and that it didn’t skip a generation. I don’t even know if the mother of my great grandmother also had breast cancer and the generations before her because that would only prove that the chances of my sisters and I getting breast cancer are really high. I am a little worried but I am not afraid to face life as a breast cancer patient. It is because I am not afraid to die.

Not that I am trying to be brave or anything but really we should not be afraid of death. What I am afraid of is the prospect of the nature of my death. Like how am I gonna die? If ever among the five of us, my sisters and my brother, I was the one diagnosed as having breast cancer, I would accept it. Not because I have no choice but because I chose to accept my fate. But it doesn’t mean that I will just resign to the idea of waiting for my ‘death day’ without fighting through the battle. I will definitely fight and try to be optimistic.

We should always hope that things will get better. You would probably say that I can say all of these now because I am not really experiencing it right now. Yes, it is true that experiencing the real thing is way different than talking about it without experiencing it. But really, what I am doing now is in preparation for what I could possibly go through years from now if indeed I will be diagnosed as having breast cancer. Of course, like any cancer patients, I would definitely undergo stages that any dying person undergoes. If I was able to win the battle, that only means that God has a purpose why I need to go through that battle and be able to survive. But if I lose, that means I have reached the end of my journey. I have already completed the cycle of life so to speak.

Again, I am not afraid but I am worried. I am worried for the family members and persons dear to me whom I will be leaving behind. I am worried about the pain that they would feel seeing me going and fighting through it. I am willing to fight the battle. But if I see at some point that I don’t have the means for me to be able to continue the fight and if my family are already going through so much emotional pain, that would only be the time that I will give up.

As I was growing up, I have learned that giving up is not part of the options. In fact, giving up should not be included when you are facing life’s real battles. You should always be striving. And I mean striving really hard. Even if it comes to the point that you are almost crying everyday because you felt like giving up but you just can’t. You really cannot win if winning is not your main purpose. If fighting is only done in a half-hearted manner, it will only lead you to nowhere. Life’s real battles aren’t there for us to become losers but for us to become winners. It is how you play the game and it is entirely up to you if you want to emerge defeated or victorious after the battle.

(This was written year 2008.)