I am supposed to be bed resting. But when my body is at rest, my mind is at its best working double time. That’s why I sleep talk, because the brains just don’t want to stop working. Tsk, workaholic brains. *wink* It’s kind of creepy though if it is your first time to hear me sleep talk. I sometimes laugh out loud all of a sudden or sit down as if talking to someone invisible while asleep. My husband is always amused with this though. Because that means he has something to tease me in the morning. 🙂

Truth is, I am a little bit down under the weather for the past days. Actually a little bit is an understatement because I’ve been having migraines for the past days already – splitting ones. There is a striking pain in my lower back, too, and I have a painful jaw line or it’s my wisdom tooth still trying to come out (at my age, it seems weird). I really can’t tell but this wasn’t the first time I’ve experienced this. Prior to this, a splitting headache that went on for about a week bothered me last Christmas and New Year’s Day celebration along with mouth sores, a painful tooth/gum/jaw, and fatigue though I haven’t been doing much physically.

My assessment was that when my immune system is down, I experience these symptoms. During the holidays, there was a lot of stress preparing holiday stuff, then there’s heavy traffic and long queue everywhere. Now, it was the February “fever” as I only got about an hour of sleep, had to be on the road for about 2 hours and been awake for almost 24 hours to attend the hot air balloon festival as part of our Valentine’s Day celebration. The event was not too tiring and it was so much fun especially since it’s my husband’s first time to attend this event. But standing for very long hours under the very, very hot sun the whole day will no doubt drain you out.

I guess my immune system is down again so here comes the same symptoms. Most of them normally go away after some time, but somehow I’m a little bothered because they could be symptoms of an even severe illness. I did mention in my previous articles that my great grandmother, my grandmother, and my Mom are all breast cancer survivors.

My Mom was diagnosed with stage 2 cancer when she was 45 years old. She has been feeling chest pain for a couple of years already, but I guess my Mom just have this phobia with hospitals and doctors (white coat syndrome). It took my Aunties and my Dad a couple of years trying to convince her to have a medical check up.

By the way, all five of us, kids, were born with the help of a midwife only – yes, brave mom my Mom. She gave birth inside the comforts of our home with no anesthesia and medical staff to help her.

Being cancer survivors though, I guess this will be the reason why my Mom and my grandma are now called as the matriarchs of the family – an epitome of courage, strength and faith. And I believe my Dad’s prayers have something to do with it, too.

My Dad loves to go to church but because my Mom doesn’t want to, he decided to be with my Mom and chose to stay at home with her on Sundays. When I was a kid, I would go to my parents’ bedroom and I’d find my Dad sitting on the bed, with knees propped up, head bent down and hands clasped together – he was praying.

I was too young back then and I did not understand what it meant. I would sometimes play inside the room trying to get his attention and yes, distract him. But I ended up being ushered out of the room and reprimanded to never disturb him when he prays. So I asked him what he was doing, he answered simply with one word, “praying.”

It was this one word that healed my Mom and I believe this held my parents together as a couple during difficult and trying times. So now, I was beginning to wonder, “Is it my time now, Lord, to be in this situation too?” I am the only one among my siblings who didn’t undergo a mammogram. I am 30 years old and these are the years when hormones start to change and yes, cancer cells are getting more aggressive. I don’t want to have a check up for two reasons: 1) I don’t want to hear that dreaded line that “You have cancer.” and 2) I have faith that God would heal me I wouldn’t be needing doctors and medications.

Reason number 2 is somehow void. Why? There was one lecture in church wherein our pastor told us that faith healing is really possible but there is also a purpose why God created doctors and why technology made medicines possible. Jesus, our Healer, is not present with us to perform healing miracles. And yet I believe that along with our faith, it is also through the doctors that He passed on this responsibility to heal on His behalf. So yes, I might have a medical check up next week. I also just found out that the pills I am taking can enhance the growth of cancer cells and are not prescribed to those who have a history of cancer. So, this definitely requires a consultation with my ob gynecologist.

I am not afraid to die. I am, in fact, very much looking forward to the day that I will die regardless on how I will die. Why? Nothing is ever more beautiful and rewarding than meeting your Creator yourself. I have so many questions to ask God regarding His awesome wonders that not even Science or any branch of study can ever explain. Just imagine how awesome it would be to hear the answers straight from the Master, Himself, face to face. Oh, that would be such a wonderful privilege. It is wisdom that comes with no price for it is priceless. And yet it is not my intent to know everything that God knows for no one can ever be like God – He is the Alpha and the Omega, no one and nothing compares.

I am ready but my loved ones are not – my husband most especially. I prayed to God about this that if time comes all my assumptions are right, I pray that He would prepare me and most especially my loved ones for the truth. The truth hurts, it always does. But the good thing is that it sets all of you free. Nothing is ever more painful to me than seeing my loved ones hurt. Being the overly empathetic person that I am, I feel every pain they feel and their emotional burden is my burden too. And sometimes I ask God why He created me that way.

For there were times like during last Sunday’s service wherein my husband and I were seated behind a young lady and a middle-aged woman. During praise and worship, I saw the young lady bowed down with her hair covering her face but her hand is up her cheek – I know what she is doing even if I don’t see it because I feel it – she is wiping tears from her eyes. The pain is there. The middle-aged woman also sat down during worship, stayed silent as if praying a prayer and then took a hankie from her bag and wiped her eyes.

Sometimes seeing them that way makes me want to hug them because I can feel their pain and when they cry, I want to cry with them too. The only times I cried in church though were during my altar call and the baptism of the Holy Spirit. When I saw these two women, I knew I had to do something at that point. So I laid my hands out in their direction during praise and worship and uttered a prayer of healing. I felt like I wanted to tell them silently in my head that “My dear sister, though you are in so much pain now, the Lord will heal you. The fact that you are in front of me and worshiping the Lord in this church means that He has chosen you to be among His people – the ones that He has saved. Be brave for you may not realize it now, but you are more than a conqueror. And this is just the beginning of your journey with the Lord. Be glad and take heart, what you are going through is only temporary.”

It would be really nice to approach and talk to them after the church service, but I am a stranger to them so that might be awkward. I am still praying though that even after the end of the church service, this silent encounter of mine with them will never end there. This wasn’t the first time this have happened. In fact, it happens all the time during church service.

And sometimes I really am baffled because knowing the emotional being that I am, being close to these people seems like me being a sponge and I absorb anything that is around me – and the emotions are all heavy. Ah yes, a call for more prayers on my part. I am more than glad and willing though to be of service by being a prayer warrior. Anything for God and His people – nothing is ever more honorable than that. 🙂

Now, back to the cancer cells, I started talking to my husband about it as my way of preparing him for what could possibly happen. I told him that when I am diagnosed with cancer, I want him to live with his Mom because I don’t want him to see me in pain and suffering. And yet he would just shrug it off and will not welcome the idea that he will lose me early on in our lives together. He would tell me that it will never happen. I would just smile at him and told him that there is a 99.9% chance it will happen. It is only a matter of “when.”

I just want him to be prepared when that happens so he wouldn’t blame God as to why it is happening to me or to us. I told him that God has a good reason for allowing things to happen to those whom He has called according to His purpose. I could die early, but we are all going to die anyway. It’s all just a matter of who gets to die first and who gets to die last.

To be honest, it really doesn’t matter if I live in this world for 99 years or for 30 years. For we all know that this life is only temporary. It is only a preparation for the real world wherein everything is good, there is no death, and life is infinite – eternal life in heaven. For all those who believe in God and proclaimed Jesus as their Savior will all meet and gather one day in that one special place along with our Creator. So I continued telling my husband that if I die early, he should be a good man and continue living a Godly life so he’d be with me, too, when he dies and we’d still end up together. There was silence.

Oh my dear husband of mine, must you always sleep on me while I am still talking? lol *wink* But do understand that these lengthy speeches of mine and weird questions happen quite late in the evening and he’s so tired from work. He is lukewarm about everything while I am so passionate about everything especially with my faith and yet by the end of the day, he ends up believing me. 😀

No credit to me but credit to God for making the impossible possible – even melting the coldest of hearts to become warm. Though I must admit that there are days when my husband and I seem like the worst of enemies. Nothing is sweeter though than him hugging you tight and showering you with kisses even though you look terrible with puffed eyes because of the pain you’re experiencing. And along with the hugs came a remark that says, “Honey, no matter how difficult it is what we are going through now, I will never leave you.” Ahhh yes, these are the moments I so appreciate having a husband – a lovely gift from God. Never mind the “dark days.” They weren’t meant to be remembered. 😉

I should be asleep by now, but I thought I need to finish this first. Being stubborn is what I inherited from my Mom but God is changing that, too. So tonight, as I stare at the ceiling lying in bed, I will raise my hand to worship God. My hand belongs to Him as with all parts of my body. They will all be wrinkled or they will become ashes and yet I can only rejoice when that happens. For it signifies the time to be nearer and closer to my God, my Father and my Creator, and be with my Savior, Jesus Christ, from whom this body originally and rightfully belongs to.

Indeed, this life that I have is only a borrowed life. 🙂

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73:26