Tag Archives: struggle

What Is Self-Control In A Christian’s Life?

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When it comes to self-control, there’s only one person that comes to my mind who makes me wish that every guy in this world is like him – my Dad. If only his soul can be cloned and injected in every male fetus now, the whole world will be a better place to live in. 😃

And no, when Dad was young, he used to have all the vices that a few men weren’t able to escape from – gambling, chain smoking, and excessive drinking. But by the grace of God and because of love, he changed.

Our Dad In Our Eyes

When my brother graduated from the Philippine Military Academy in 2005, his article about Dad entitled “The Unsung Hero,” was one of the articles recited and featured during the graduation ceremony. We all broke down to tears after hearing it. Oh, brother dear, must you also have the flair for the dramatic like me. lol My blog, on the one hand, intends to make our Dad “The Celebrated Hero.” 😃

My Dad is not perfect. He juggled farming on weekends and office work during weekdays and yet still finds the time to pick coconuts so my siblings and I can enjoy fresh coconut meat and coconut juice during summer. He still does that now with our other fruits in the garden at the age of 83, but now complains of sore muscles afterward. And he would still do it again even if we tell him that he doesn’t have to. 😅

I can list down a whole lot more of other childhood experiences with Dad that are now precious memories that I can happily recall every time nostalgia hits. That’s why I wish to celebrate all the Dads out there who are like my Dad though it is not Father’s Day.

Praise God For Godly Men And Fathers

I hope after reading this, it will bring joy to your hearts knowing that your children will remember you not for the material gifts you have given them, but the memories and sacrifices you have made with and for them. Fly kites with your kids, watch the stars together, go fishing and camping, hike the mountains together, ride that bike around the neighborhood – these are the joys of a kid that stay with them until they are old. Sadly, I do not have the opportunity to do these things.

That’s why for those who do, don’t let the chance pass by because you can never get it back once your children grows old or when you grow old. This is the kind of love that our Great Father has for us, His children, that’s why a sacrifice has been made through His one and only Son on our behalf. And this is also the reason why we are celebrating the holiday season.

Love You, Dad

Yes, my Dad isn’t perfect, but he tried his very best to be the perfect Dad to us and a perfect husband to my Mom – even when Mom was at her worst, and we were at our naughtiest. And I mean, naughtiest. He gets angry, but it’s always controlled anger – that kind of anger that disciplines, but teaches children about honor and respect. He is a man of few words, thus, showed his love through his actions and his (oftentimes corny 😅✌️) sense of humor.

I love my Dad so much, and I wish this blog can do more than just memorialize his life so his memory lives on and on even when he is gone. Because I believe his kind is getting rarer as each generation passes by. This is a sad reality, but it is the truth.

What Is Self-Control

Self-control in a Christian’s life is very important. For me, it is an all-encompassing word wherein all other moral values (fruits of the Holy Spirit) such as patience, peace, discipline, gentleness, kindness, humility, love, faithfulness, and goodness will fall under.

Self-control is the only thing that will help a born-again Christian to not fall into temptation and go back to who he/she was before being saved. This is why the Bible is intentional when it comes to fasting. Fasting teaches believers to take control of the mind, body, and emotions and not the other way around.

Fasting And Self-Control

This is why I prefer to have my own pre-holiday/birthday fasting so I can control my mind, body, and emotions and not be tempted during this holiday season by excessive drinking, overeating, careless partying, splurging on gifts, irritability due to the holiday rush, etc. Without self control, we are prone to making mistakes, to being tempted, and eventually to sinning.

The lack of self-control destroys boundaries, dishonors people you love, and breaks trust that takes years to build. And no, an apology from an unchanged heart is only made of empty words that do not have meaning and only speak of broken promises and chances that are wasted again and again and again.

Until the time comes that God says, “ENOUGH.” If promises get broken, then plans can change, too.

A Lesson That Is Hard To Forget

I thank God for giving me the courage to do what He is asking me to do – let go of things that I have been trying to hold onto because I am afraid of a lot of things. Because I used to have this limited perception of my purpose in this world.

But God showed me that in order for me to pursue a higher calling, I have to let go of some things, especially if they will hinder the tasks that He will ask me to do. God has bigger plans, and all I need is to trust Him that He is leading me towards them. That will be my next article because I now have lots of time to write though I still have articles to do at work.

Yes, thank God indeed for this talent that He has bestowed upon me so I can share my testimony of His saving grace in every season and help others who might be going through the same thing. 🙏🙂

P.S. By the way, it is my lack of self control that got me into this messiest mess I’m in right now because of the poor choices I made when I was young. I am living the repercussions and consequences now. And yet I am wholeheartedly accepting God’s discipline and I promised Him that I will show Him my loyalty and faithfulness by obeying even if it means enduring this season of painful discipline my entire life. I will endure and even if I ask God to take this suffering away now, like what Jesus said, “not my will but let God’s will be done.” 🙏

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” – 2 Timothy 1:7

A Letter To Our Neighbors: Mahabang Reklamo Na May Magandang Punto

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I lost it yesterday. Ang dalawang taon na pagtitimpi namin ni Brian, I just lost it. Oo, dalawang taon na namin ni Brian pinagtatyagaan ang kapitbahay naming mga smokers.

Sa bawat pasok ng usok ng sigarilyo sa aming condo, nagagalit kami pero we let it go. Hindi namin sila inaway, sinita, o sinigawan sa terrace. Kahit pa araw-araw ako inaatake ng allergic rhinitis, tinitiis ko ang pasakit na dala ng paninigarilyo nila.

Allergic Rhinitis On My End

Gaano ba kahirap mabuhay ng may allergic rhinitis? Napakahirap. Masakit. Sa bawat bahing ko pakiramdam ko buong lungs ko ay luluwa. At hindi lang sya nangyayari ng isang beses sa isang araw. Maraming beses syang mangyari dahil nati-trigger ng cigarette smoke. At may kasama syang runny nose.

Kaya may panahon na minsan wala na akong panlasa dahil sa sipon. Minsan naman lasang dugo ang lalamunan ko dahil nara-rupture ang mga veins sa sinus ko. Maga sila. May sugat.

Meron bang gamot? Meron, antihistamine. Pero hindi pwedeng everyday ako uminom. Dahil kapag nasanay ang katawan ko sa gamot, pataas ng pataas ang dosage dahil hindi na sya ganun ka-epekto. Bakit ba ako may allergic rhinitis? May family history kami ng asthma.

When Too Much Is Too Much

Kahapon bumigay na ako. Hindi ko na kinaya. Ang poot at galit sa puso ko na pilit kong i-contain, nagu-umapaw. Gusto ko lumabas ng terrace at sumigaw. Gusto ko silang sugurin. Pero ang problema ay hindi ko sila kilala. Wala akong proof sino sa kanila ang talagang nagso-smoke. Isa pa, pinagsabihan ako ng Mommy ko na ‘wag silang patulan.

Last year, nag-complain ang bro-in-law ko na ang lakas nga daw ng usok ng sigarilyo at pumapasok sa kwarto nila. Sila ng ate ko may-ari ng condo. Nag-suggest sya na ireklamo na namin. Kaso ang rason ko ay yaong wala nga kaming proof para madiin sino sa kanila ang salarin.

Pero ito lang ang bagay na hindi naisip ng aming kapitbahay ngayon. Hindi ito ang tamang panahon para patuloy na mang-agrabyado ng tao. Why?

A Deadly Bio Warfare

Dahil meron tayong deadly at powerful biological warfare out there ngayon na for free at pwedeng gamitin anytime for suicide attacks – COVID 19. It can technically be used as a weapon by anyone who has grievances against someone, an organization, a community, or the government.

Umabot na ako sa punto na sa sobrang galit ko hindi ko na inisip what could possibly be the repercussion of what I will do. Nabalot na ng poot ang ability ko to think rationally at gusto ko i-unleash lahat ng sama ng loob na inipon ko sa ilang taon na andito kami dahil sa kanila.

A Righteous Anger But The Wrong Approach

Since I am sure compromised na din ang health ko dahil sa second-hand smoke, mabilis akong kakapitan ng virus. Lalo na sila kung matagal na silang naninigarilyo at mga kasama nila sa bahay.

Sabi ko kay Brian, gagawin kong intentional na magka-COVID 19 ako. Lalabas ako without a mask at pupunta ako sa mga lugar malapit sa amin na may maraming cases. Sisiguraduhin kong I will get the virus.

At kapag nakaranas ako ng sintomas, sisiguraduhin kong hindi ako magpapa-ospital at sisiguraduhin kong maikalat ang virus dito sa amin. If mamatay kami at mangamoy ang condo dahil sa nabubulok naming bangkay at magtaka mga kakilala namin why we are unresponsive sa mga texts and calls, then so be it.

Sa tanong na paano ang mga bata at ibang residents na walang sala? They will be part of the collateral damage. And the admin of this property is also to blame sa paggawa ng house rules na bawal ang paninigarilyo pero hindi naman nila pinapatupad ng maayos.

Who Are They?

May mga anak sila. Maiingay sila kaya naririnig namin. May mga bata rin doon sa dulo ng hallway namin. Noong isang araw may baby din na umiiyak.

Napaiyak ako. Napahagulgol. Lord, free me from this suffering. Ang bigat ng loob ko dahil sa poot. And yet mas lalo pang bumigat because my soul wrestles sa plano kong maghasik ng virus dito sa community. It is a heinous crime. It is murder. IT IS WRONG.

That makes me a murderer at bawat buhay ng bawat taong mahahawa dito ay dala-dala ng konsensya ko. Napaiyak ako. Ngayon mas malakas. Hindi ko na na-control ang mga luha sa patuloy na pagbuhos.

When My Soul Wrestles For What Is Right

Lord, hindi ko kayang sundin ang utos mo na I should love my neighbor as I love myself. Napakahirap lalo na kung walang naidulot kundi sama ng loob. Hindi ko rin kayang sundin ang sabi mo na kung ang pasakit na ito ay meant to be na mangyari sa akin at ito ang krus na kailangan kong pasanin bawat araw, suko na ako. Napakabigat, Lord.

Ngunit kaya ako naiyak hindi dahil sa galit. Kundi dahil hindi ko kayang kumitil ng tao sa kahit anong dahilan o sa kahit paanong paraan. And even if sobrang na-agrabyado o nagalit ako, hindi ‘yun ang solusyon na itinuro ng Dios. Hindi ito ang mga dapat na salita at pag-iisip ng isang Kristyanong nagpapakilala na isang alagad ng Dios.

My soul is wrestling between what is good and what is bad. The mere fact na nag-isip ako ng ganitong bagay, I have already committed a crime sa mata ng Dios. Hindi ako karapatdapat na tawaging anak ng Dios sa aking mga inisip at isinambit. And I know that is something I need to settle with God alone.

God-Given Husband

My husband heard it all, too. Sa kanya ko inilabas ang mga masama kong plano. Humanap ng paraan asawa ko. Ni-try nya ulit kausapin ang guard sa baba ng building. Dahil ‘yung first time naming reklamo ay walang nangyari. He came back at ni-assure ako na oras may mag-smoke ulit, patuloy syang tatawag sa guard house hanggang sa mapatigil itong mga naninigarilyo.

Naiyak ako lalo. My husband felt my anger, too. Pero iba naging solusyon nya. He tried to find a way to solve it sa tamang paraan na alam nya kahit pa the same ito ng mga nauna. He knows how agitated I am but he remained patient enough. He tried to console me as much as he could.

The Purpose Of God Still Stands

It rained.

Bigla kong naalala ang isang notification sa aking blog na nakita ko ngayong umaga. Someone gave me an award yesterday din pala sa WordPress (next article). Isa rin syang writer who chose me among the other bloggers to get the award (thank you, Mrs. T!).

It is an award given to a blog which, “through its writing, presentation and objectives, fosters human values; promoting intellectual, emotional and moral growth of peers.”

These awards on WordPress are basically all about community appreciation and how to support one another in the blogosphere. Nakakatuwa lang when one blogger puts in all the effort sa pag-recognize ng mga naisulat mo as something worth reading.

A Testimony Of My Spiritual Journey

Ang The Journeyman’s Moments kong blog ay isa sa mga bagay na ibinigay sa akin ng Panginoon noong na-born again ako noong 2014. Isa ito sa mga saksi ng aking pagbabagong buhay at sa paglilinis ng aking pangalan galing sa isang masalimuot na nakaraan.

Ito ang naging platform ko where I share everything about my spiritual journey. Naglalaman ito ng mga triumphs and struggles ko as a Christian. Pero hindi ko ito sineryoso masyado noon. May mga panahon na nakakaligtaan kong magsulat dito pero lagi akong nire-remind ng Dios ng calling ko why He saved me.

Kahit ilang months na akong inactive, halimbawa, at hindi nakakapagsulat, meron at meron pa rin akong new followers at mga bagong nagla-like ng mga dati ko pang articles.

His Plans Will Remain

In a way, God is the one who is keeping my blog alive at nagdadala Sya ng mga readers to view what I posted kahit wala akong gawin. Kaya doon ko rin nalaman na ito ang purpose ko why I was saved. To testify about God despite the chaos, the pain, and the suffering all around us.

I love to write. I consider it a gift galing sa Panginoon. Isang therapy sa akin ang pagsusulat. Alam ko din na itong experience recently with the neighbors was meant to happen. He has a good purpose for it, too, even if it means suffering for the time being.

Kasama na dito ang mai-share ko itong karanasan sa inyo and the struggles I go through each day as a Christian. Napakahirap maging Kristyano sa mga ganitong panahon. Ang tindi ng disiplinang hinihingi sa atin.

Severe Trials For What Is To Come

Pakiramdam ko mas matindi pa dito ang tests of faith na mararanasan natin in preparation for the second coming. I know minsan umaabot tayo sa punto na pinanghihinaan na tayo ng loob. Sumusuko na sa laban gaya ng nangyari sa akin.

Pero alam ko na hindi tayo tinawag ng Panginoon para sumuko lang din sa huli. It is not our calling. In fact, it is our calling to fight for faith at all costs. Yes, we will falter along the way. And yet ang importante is we keep on going back to God.

Para tayong nasa tug-of-war na laro na may times na mahahatak tayo ng enemy pero hahatakin din ulit tayo ni God pabalik sa Kanya. Basta pilit din tayong nagpapakatatag para sa Dios.

What We Are Fighting Against

Kailangan nating alalahanin na hindi lang COVID 19 ang kalaban natin ngayon. Marami nang atake ang ipinadala ng enemy to destroy us and what God has built in and around us. Nasa atin kung hahayaan nating wasakin nya tayo or kakapit tayo sa Dios and believe na Sya pa din ang mananalo.

I refuse to take the enemy’s bait. I may have thought the most murderous things, of which I ask for God’s forgiveness and take accountability for them when judgment day comes.

Fixing Our Eyes On Jesus

It is the work of the enemy, and I know he won’t stop. I pray for everyone na bigyan tayo ng Panginoon ng lakas, tapang, wisdom, and discernment para makita ang mga lies ng enemy. Ito lang ang tanging paraan na malalabanan natin ito at para hindi sya mag-succeed.

The struggle is real. Pero I rest in the fact na nakikita ito lahat ng Panginoon. At gaya ng blog ko, kahit wala tayong gawin kahit pa sobrang nahihirapan na tayo, Dios pa rin ang kikilos on our behalf. 🙏

Still fighting as God’s warrior,

The Teacher

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First and foremost, I’d like to give God the honor and glory for this wonderful blessing that He has bestowed upon me – the opportunity to be a teacher. 🙂

I took the licensure examination last March and I wasn’t expecting I’d pass it. I was assigned to take the exam for the Secondary Level because of my undergraduate course which is Literature and I am not yet done with my master’s degree in Special Education. During the Licensure Exam For Teachers, the specialization part of the exam for the Secondary Level takers was difficult. I had a little distraction too as the day before I took the exam, husband and I had a little argument. Not to mention I started reviewing just a week before the said exam as I have a short span when it comes to memory retention. But despite all that accompanied by heartfelt prayers and quiet time conversations with God, He remained faithful – I still passed the exam.

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To God Be The Glory: March 2016 LET

This has made me believe in this – I was indeed called by God to be a teacher. Our family was called to be a family of teachers, from grandparents to aunts and uncles, to parents and siblings.

Yup, I am not the only teacher in the family. I have to thank them too for all the love and support they have given to me in all my endeavors and in my plight to becoming an educator. 🙂

When people finds out that you are a teacher, the first thing they say is that you are brimming with patience. As much as it is true, what people really don’t know are the obligations that a teacher truly have in performing her role in society.

I’d like to share the Preamble from the Code of Ethics for Professional Teachers to highlight said role:

“Teachers are duly licensed professionals who possesses dignity and reputation with high moral values as well as technical and professional competence in the practice of their noble profession. They strictly adhere to, observe, and practice this set of ethical and moral principles, standards, and values.”

The teacher not only teaches but she is also a catalyst of social change. She instructs and yet she disciplines, she adheres and yet she rebukes. Those are her roles in society – far bigger than what we all commonly imagine. As some would say, teachers are the ones responsible for honing the future engineers, architects, doctors, nurses, lawyers and basically every other profession in our society. In other words, the teacher performs quite a huge part in the raising of responsible citizens of the society.

This is a very big responsibility on the part of a teacher for it means that everything she says and does should match what her profession has called her to do. They should include at all times everything that was discussed in the Code of Ethics for Professional Teachers. But greater than that is the set of moral values and principles that she upholds to for these are the moral values and principles that she will be imparting to her students. These set of standards will now become the students’ guide in following who to imitate when they enter adulthood.

Yes, the teacher is the second  “Mom.”  The things that are being taught at home are also reinforced in school. It comes with great responsibility to be the  “mother”  of many children and raise them as individuals who will serve the country and their countrymen with the right and proper moral values and principles.

If you are to ask me why they are important, it is actually these values and moral principles that define who we are rather than what family we came from, what school we graduated from, where we work/worked, what are our titles, what place did we come from or what organizations are we affiliated with. The kind of values system that we have basically affects every decision that we make in life for they are the ones that govern the heart and the mind. Whatever governs the mind and the heart will govern our words, our thoughts and our actions a.k.a. how we speak, how we do things, how we react, how we feel, etc.

If you are a teacher like me, this will sound too challenging. A student can graduate at his worst or at his best depending on how the teacher has honed him/her inside the classroom through what she teaches may it be in academics or moral standards. So if one will ask, where can a teacher find the best guide in achieving such high standards of morality?

The simple answer is this: the BIBLE.

No other scripture or written literature can ever contain what the bible contains. What the bible contains are all instructions on living a life with high moral standards because we have a God who has HIGH standards.

I was called by God to be a teacher not just to teach students about English, Science or any other academic subjects but more importantly, to teach them the necessary moral principles that they need in life here in this world and life in eternity.

Some may have questioned why I need to disclose such sensitive matters on Facebook and my reason was this in light of the Scripture:

“Those who continue in sin, rebuke in the presence of all, so that the rest also will be fearful of sinning.” – 1 Timothy 5:20

“All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.” – 2 Timothy 3:16 – 17

I have made a covenant that if I am to discipline a student or rebuke someone, it will and it should always be in light of the Scripture. I believe the bible holds much authority than I do and will demand much respect from those who will hear or read it for it is God’s word in written form.

There are so many issues that have been plaguing the society, marriages, personal struggles and families for ages and yet in our society, it is such a taboo to talk about these sensitive issues thus resulting to ignorance and mistakes being committed repeatedly. Name all kinds of issue that this world is suffering from, the bible has something to say about it. More often, what the bible says are all for the good of mankind. It is just that there have been only quite a few teachers who were bold and courageous enough to address these issues by sharing the Scripture pertaining to these specific issues.

They say, “History repeats itself.”  Indeed, it is true. What the bible contains are all historical events mainly for the purpose of guiding and teaching us as we will most probably go through the same experiences.

I want to save families from breaking apart, save children growing in hostile environments, and save future generations from committing the same mistakes as their ancestors did only because we did not do our part in rebuking and sharing what should be the right things to do according to the Scripture.

All we need are teachers who will be bold in sharing the Truth and courageous enough to go against what the society calls as taboo or shameful to talk about. Maybe it is time that we, as believers and born-again Christians, shed light upon matters and issues that have been plaguing relationships, marriages and families for decades already.

Wouldn’t this world be a better place for our children to live in when we are assured they’ve been taught how to live righteously so they can benefit from this righteous living and that they will be saved from the perils that their ancestors have went through?

All these can be done with just a simple task of teaching and rebuking when God calls for it. God is calling for us to protect our marriages now, our children’s future families and the families and children of other people as well through the best teaching material which is the bible. He is calling us to LIVE in the BIBLE, teach it to our children and then share it to others so they will be enlightened too.

My challenge? Do not be ashamed of sharing and teaching the Gospel for in it is where all the solutions lies to all our problems. It has been blessed by God for the very purpose of making known to everyone from whom authority does the bible is referring to and the salvation that it offers not just to us but for the future generations.

Another challenge? Obedience and discipline can come too difficult – these have been my struggles until now. My husband and I do not share the same set of values system which oftentimes create the tension in our marriage. But I am assured God will be with me in my every battle and in my every struggle. I just have to fulfill the mission, the tasks that He has set out for me to finish.

In this struggle to abide by the law and to fight for these laws, you will feel pain, resistance, persecution, sadness and yet constantly remind yourself to “fix your eyes upon Jesus, the author and the perfecter of faith.”  The early disciples felt all these too and yet they endured it all in the midst of their sacrifices.

Those who were called to fulfill their mission, this is our end goal – KEEP THE FAITH and TRUST GOD COMPLETELY.

Learn from the One Great Teacher, be a teacher, and be a disciple. I am continuously praying that God will prepare and guide me in this new season. 🙂

Day 1: STRENGTH

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Today is June 30.

Today marks the first day of the Mid-Year Prayer and Fasting 2015 in church.

Today is the day I ended a current relationship and reconciled with a former relationship.

Today is all about STRENGTH.

Last Sunday, I was with my fiance and his family to celebrate his brother’s birthday. In case you have been reading my previous posts, a devoted believer put in the midst of non believers is a really tough case. Values wise, any differences could have been resolved if God was the priority and at the center.

But that was not the case. And yet, I am not writing this to complain but to share my faith. 

Having a non believer as a partner is indeed being yoked unequally. It is difficult to agree on certain matters for two perspectives are at hand – worldly (his) and Godly (mine). And yet, God is so faithful He gave me the strength, patience and the means to endure it all.

I can only accept our differences: good moral values, upright conduct, beliefs in faith, etc. BUT there is a time for everything as God puts it in the bible.

A saturation point so to speak.

This time calls for things to come into a final halt. I don’t mean to judge but I meant to enlighten by sharing in some unfavorable experiences I have had. It is not for us to judge though and condemn but God’s.

Last Sunday I was with my fiance’s family. I was a guest, I do not make the call what time we go to church, what time we leave the house, etc. As a Victory group leader, we were advised by our spiritual leaders to arrive early during a Sunday service. But we arrived late for so many reasons being able to hear only the last few stanzas of the last worship song. I felt broken. I was there in church feeling guilty not being able to live up to my responsibilities as a group leader. And yet it was not my choice to make. I tried to fight against the feeling of guilt, a little bit of anger and sadness within me and just be thankful we still ended up in church.

Then it was time for the lecture to be delivered and Pastor Jonathan of Victory Alabang led the discussion. Word after word, my heart was slowly being torn apart – the message was for me. I was fighting back those tears. Those tears of how many months of trying to fight for faith against the worldly, of keeping quiet and enduring it all and those moments of pain from conflicts. My heart was so heavy I knew it was the Spirit asking me to do something. Pastor Jonathan just nailed it when he preached regarding “darkness” and what it means to us. Especially when he talked about marriage, that maybe the conflicts did not come from the enemy anymore but from myself – a reluctant and stubborn heart to pursue my desires, my plans and my lack of strength to let go and let God. I was on the verge of raising my hand for that second altar call, but I know there is no such thing. Or if there is, then God knows I already made it at that moment. The wounds have been exposed now in the open and they hurt even more. I can no longer bear it and yet I know I needed to move on and pray even more.

It was funny though I remembered walking out of the worship hall with a smile of relief. Then for the first time, we went out the exit door where books on faith and devotionals were being sold. I felt a tug in my heart to browse through them. And I believe these books were picked by the Spirit for me for the season I am in right now. And I bought a baller too – my first about faith. And I remembered telling my fiance jokingly that I will buy a memorabilia as this might be the last time I’ll be attending Victory Alabang. And it looks like the joke really was on me. 😀

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Faith memorabilia.

Touchpoints for Women: God’s Answers for Your Every Need is the perfect devotional book for women dealing with specific issues. And I did not read the first page yet, I was waiting for the right time. And the other book I bought was the only book available there on relationships, marriage and faith – The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love. This, too, I have read the first page but decided not to continue as I am no longer in this season. I just thought that this is all God’s way of preparing me for something in the future.

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Touchpoints for Women

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The Act of Marriage

I was keeping my calm when at a buffet restaurant, all the rest of the family including my fiance and his Mom, agreed to sneak out some sweets to give to a niece back home. I gently reminded my fiance that it is a Sunday and we just finished attending church and we are all aware that it is against the restaurant’s policies to take out any food. I was grateful my fiance listened when I told him if ever you get caught, consider that we are both professionals – I am a teacher, you are a nurse. We both were given licenses to nurse and to teach under the oath that we will behave appropriately in public. They were drinking too and it was not a big deal for me and yet when my fiance was advised that a vice is more important than work which made him decide to file for a sick leave the next day, I was broken again. Another heavy heart for me and yet ended with a smile of relief.

I stayed at their place which is one of the things I am totally against as it gives room for temptation to enter in, and yet by God’s grace, temptation failed to get in. Next day, I accompanied my fiance to the bank to deposit money and we had another conflict and this was the first time I experienced how far his rage could go. He pushed me out of his anger and when we were having the heated discussion I saw his trembling hands while rummaging on his things. Yes, it was an accident that he did it – out of his anger. So I thought it best I leave him alone for the meantime and let him cool down his temper. And yet it made me think too that it was a red flag. A guy who easily gets angry and could not control it will lead to physical violence. Domestic violence is not the kind of home I wished for my kids to grow up in. He did apologize after and I have forgiven him. I was broken and yet there is that smile of relief.

In the afternoon, we were on our way to Starbucks to celebrate the wedding anniversary of their parents as his dad is not here. Came the moment that his mom inquired regarding our business venture and our plans. His mom lent us some money to be able to start the business and indeed, the borrower is a servant to the lender. For during the discussion, I felt that his mom was suggesting things about the business and asking me why are you planning this if you want this and that and at that time, I was also talking through text with a business partner regarding a business meeting that I wasn’t able to attend because I prioritized my fiance and his family and it didn’t turn out as planned. There were a lot of things going on in my head, I was not in the right mood to talk about serious things and it was too late for me to realize that I was already answering in a very aggressive and offensive tone. I was provoked and yet my fiance did not support me and our plans but instead blamed me why we are in complicated situations right now.

My heart was broken. His Mom went on to “advice” on what to do, what we should do in front of my fiance and his sister. Some were very insulting and I am already aware that she doesn’t notice too how offensive her words could get as I was told by the girlfriend of my fiance’s brother who was also in conflict with my fiance’s Mom for the very same reasons which ended in broken relationships with the future in laws. My body was trembling out of anger that I was suppressing. I was controlling not to let tempers loose and holding back my tongue not to say words that are even worse. I was able to listen and they were able to laugh and talk about things although they sensed I was not in my happy mood. And his Mom was affected by my inability to join in the fun. I tried but it was not that easy to let go as if nothing happened. And yet a smile of relief came through – I need to respect her.

No shouting, no curses and temper outbursts came through from me, I was able to hold it all back and just listened when she made the final statements. I stayed silent and talked with them when I can and smiled when I have to all the way home. My fiance gave me a cold shoulder not talking to me while eating and when he was driving us home and I was seated beside him. I stayed silent and broken for I know now how Jesus felt when everyone around Him abandoned Him and was persecuting and condemning Him, but I was able to smile with relief – I was able to pour out all my concerns and my side to his mom, although my mistake was, emotions took hold mostly of the discussion.

When we got home, the Spirit convicted me to do the right thing – apologize. I wanted to talk to his Mom personally but couldn’t find the right moment to talk privately so I chose Facebook instead to send her a letter of apology for how I behaved and if I have offended her. I also apologized to her personally when I said my “goodbyes” when we left the next day. In the letter, I thanked her for her suggestions keeping in my mind that she only wanted what is best for me and my fiance. I also apologized to my fiance but it came to another heated discussion – my fiance blamed me for ruining his parents’ wedding anniversary celebration. Aggression and blaming were there. Until he blurted out that I am not worthy of his respect at all. Yes, I was broken again and yet came a smile of relief afterwards – I cried to him explaining my side that as my future spouse, he should support me and our plans at all times because the spouse should always come next to God. I tried to understand him knowing how my fiance is so dependent and attached with his Mom that he could not even let go of that attachment even now that we were about to be married – one of our ongoing conflicts.

At this point, allow me to share some very important points during the Marriage Preparation seminar we attended in church. I highly recommend you attend one as it will answer the question if both of you are REALLY ready to commit:

Tin Ginete

Putting GOD at the center.

Tin Ginete

“Leaving”

Tin Ginete

“Cleaving”

We were able to end the conversation peacefully and decided to learn from the experience and move on although we did contemplate on breaking up and he wanted to end things already. I reminded him about the lecture service we just heard last Sunday and quoted bible verses. I can only hope and pray they all got through to him.

We said our “goodnights” but I suddenly woke up at 3:30am. And I thought I heard someone called me. I couldn’t go back to sleep anymore and was contemplating on telling my fiance the next morning to end the relationship formally as I believe it is what God was asking at the moment. We have ended the relationship so many times and yet neither of us have the courage and the strength to be firm with our decision considering a lot of factors, i.e. love is not an emotion but a decision; we will dishonor God if we break the commitment; etc.

I was praying all along for God to save me from this “darkness.” I no longer feel safe, I am not happy and my faith was always tested. And yet, God assured me and prepared me for this – for I know these are all His plans. I took a cab the day before I went to their place and I know it is not a coincidence that this is the name of the cab I was riding:

Tin Ginete

God Driven Jankei (I interpreted it as God-Driven Junkie). 😉

And when we were driving home from Starbucks and even going to church, incoming trucks from the opposite lane mostly have a “God Promised” sign board on top. I didn’t know what they meant at that time and even now. And I thought, I must be dreaming or I must be in another dimension, or am I already in Heaven? 😀 Yep, I was broken, but I can smile with relief knowing that God is with me anywhere and I need not fear.

I was sleepless last night silently praying to God to give me peace and to continue seeking for His forgiveness and having a forgiving heart letting go of the past. And when my fiance and I boarded the bus going back to Manila this morning, I just let the peace that God gave me to fill me in. And yet that peace came out of a decision – the decision to finally let go of the relationship and let God take control.

Yes, letting go of my worldly relationship with my fiance and reconcile with my spiritual relationship with my God.

My fiance and his family are not perfect in the same way that me and my family and all the people in this world are not perfect and will be making mistakes one way or the other. It is all a matter of seeking God’s forgiveness and obedience to God’s instructions. I can only pray for their salvation in the same way I am praying for my transformation every day. I texted my fiance this morning that I would have opted to end things personally and yet I know the situation calls we end it now. God is asking us to do it and He is asking us to trust Him what His plans are for both of us in the following days, weeks, months or years even. It has been said that during the Prayer and Fasting, the Spirit works at its best because it is most powerful during this moment. When I got off the bus, it is just strange that the ticketing personnel of the bus assisted me down as if I am a debutante walking down the stairs although I am only carrying two little bags. And it is also strange how the tricycle driver said “I love you” to me after paying my fare when I took the tricycle going to our apartment.

They are very strange but I got an answer: God was telling me I am still worthy of respect despite my fiance telling me last night I am not worthy of his respect and despite my failures and I even thought that could it be that God was in that tricycle driver as if telling me and comforting me,

“My child, I love you and you have nothing to worry nor to fear for I am with you always, anywhere, anytime. Let go of the things that you have no control over so I can take control of them. Leave them all up to me. I am ALL THAT YOU NEED.”

Which now made me realize why I chose or the Spirit chose my baller for me that says this: Jesus + Nothing = EVERYTHING.

Tin Ginete

Jesus + Nothing = Everything

Tin Ginete

John 1:3

God is more than enough, Jesus is worth the sacrifice.

I remembered one instance I shared to my brother about the conflicts that my fiance and I had, and he told me to just endure it all. He said that they might be a test of faith and if I get used to giving up easily, it will also reflect in other decisions I make in life. Or maybe the reason why I am going through the same things I did in the past was because I keep on making a mistake – that of choosing a man who is not after God’s heart. He said that they just differ in names and background but personality wise, they are the same because they are not yet believers. He told me we cannot judge for even Christian guys and Pastors make mistakes but let’s just wait what God’s plans are. For the meantime, he asked me to be assured always and to pray and the question I asked back at him was this,

“I can trust him even if he makes mistakes repeatedly and no matter how dark his past was if and only if I know that he was already born again, now a devoted Christian and was already saved. For I know every time he makes a mistake, he will experience Godly sorrow and will go back to God. But he was not saved yet – no sincere and genuine repentance took place in his past, how would he know how to search for God and go back to Him when conflicts arise and things fall apart?”

My brother was silent for a moment and just simply said, “Now that is the thing we cannot control anymore.”

As of writing, I just finished my Day 1 Prayer and Fasting devotion and getting ready for the prayer meeting tonight to know more of the Spirit’s revelations. I have decided to not log in on Facebook and Twitter for the entire duration of the prayer and fasting week and turn off my phone by day and turn it on by 6pm onwards as part of controlling addictions. I committed to a once-a-day-meal type of fast and yet unbelievably, I do not feel any hunger at all. All I ever wanted to do is immerse myself on “spiritual food” and share via my megaphone regarding my faith – this blog. But since I committed to a once-a-day meal fast, I will uphold to that commitment. 🙂

I am smiling – with relief, contentment and peace. I am praying, still, for healing, for guidance, discernment on God’s will and that my plans will be more in tune with His this time, more strength, more courage, more patience and restoration of things that were broken. But I am now assured that I can only put my hopes in God alone. Indeed, true love and security can only be found in Him. And I can only be grateful to Him for this hope, this second salvation, this peace and this love that now gives me joy for I can now serve my Lord wholly in truth and in purity.

Thank God for the STRENGTH. 🙂

P.S.

There really is something about number 3 – my water baptism was 3/3/13 (the day I was reborn), I always wake up around 3:30am not knowing why and I receive my daily bible verse notification from my bible app every 3:00pm though I set it to appear every 9am.

So…I don’t want to go ahead of God’s plans but I am believing in His promises (if these are His promises) –  that I’ll give it 3 days to let things heal during this prayer and fasting, seek for forgiveness from people I have hurt, apply the 3-month-no-dating rule, pray to God how to tell our families, move on with a new and Godly perspective, maybe get married by age 31 as I am claiming I am done with my grad study by that time (I am now 29 turning 30 this December), spend a year with my future husband as a married couple to get to know each other better living under one roof and have my first baby when I am 33. 😀

Still, “many are the plans of man but it is the Lord’s purpose that will prevail.”  I can only praise God for giving me this now – HOPE, may it be in numbers, in signs, in words, in other people, in the Scripture or even in that tricycle driver. 😉

FIREPROOF: How To Make Any Relationship Last

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This is an all-time favorite of mine. I have seen this movie for countless of times already and I’ve been crying over it for countless of times as well. 😀

It is not your typical romantic, fairy tale kind of movie. In fact, the movie is just too realistic to dismiss that you’ll find yourself relating to every single part of it.

But in general, this is a movie on relationships and how God makes all the difference when He is at the center of it.

More tissue rolls, please. 😉

 

A Meandering Passage To A Hidden Alcove: The Lost Soul

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A drop or two.

Tears started to streak on your face.

Blinded, groping, you headed yourself through the light.

Alas! You saw the light, it’s finally over. Panting, heaving, breathing heavily, you slumped to a rock. You looked around you, no traces or signs of the struggle. You’re finally free. That’s what you thought. Suddenly, you felt the pain. Striking, grueling, biting every part of your body. You shook uncontrollably and then you felt yourself running, again, fast, until you’re exhausted. You dropped down to your knees, you screamed and then everything went dark.

Your mind started to drift. Jumbled memories of maybe the past, the present or the future, you can’t really tell, came into view. You felt yourself as if you’re in a trance, a light feeling and then you saw him. You can’t help not suppressing the joy you felt. You smiled at him. A blank stare. Nor did he even look at you. What is happening? You started to panic. Why can’t he see me? He wouldn’t look at your direction. There he was, a solitary figure, head bent, shoulders slumped, a grave look on his face. You approached him, but then he abruptly stood up, walked away leaving you there, stunned and speechless. As you saw his figure slowly disappearing, you whispered his name, “I love you, please come back”. He continued to walk on, slowly disappearing until there was only you, standing, rooted to your place. You’re alone, he left and then there it was again. The pain! It’s suddenly creeping into your veins. You frantically screamed. You need to escape. You ran wildly as if chasing something like a mad man. Then you stumbled. Far, so far, you couldn’t even remember how long you were stumbling.

A voice, you thought you heard a voice. A man’s voice. Crooning, whispering something in your ear. You slowly opened your eyes. And you saw a face bending over you. A blurred face. Who are you? Hope started to well in your heart as you thought that it could be him. You heard your name. You thought it’s over. Drowsiness started to get into your head, you fell asleep and then.