Tag Archives: prayer and fasting

Always On Fire

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The last day of this year’s Mid-Year Prayer and Fasting ended with such high energy – it’s dedicated to campus ministry. So expected na that the youth will still be full of energy kahit nagfa-fasting. Ang mga tanders gusto nang umuwi. 😅

Ah yes, watching the youth jump and sing their hearts out and with so much fervor during praise and worship brings back memories of mine na sobrang naka-relate ako. Kahit tahimik at mahiyain ako noon (kahit ngayon), kapag ang mga kasama mo mag-worship ay ganyan ka-energetic, mahahawa ka din talaga.

But they were among the best memories of my spiritual journey as a born-again Christian. Naalala ko dati, after ng church service, parang andami mo pang energy at kulang na lang hindi ka na uuwi at sa church ka na lang lagi.

I started my baby steps as a born-again Christian sa Victory Katipunan at ang dating Victory GT Toyota in UP Diliman. Karamihan sa churchgoers doon ay mga estudyante. I was a young professional back then pero ito lang ang mga malapit na Victory churches sa apartment namin dati kaya dito ako nagsimba. I had my 1-on-1 discipleship journey and Victory Weekend in Victory Katipunan in 2013.

Kaya kapag pakiramdam mo nanlalamig ka na sa faith, just attend a Youth Service (every Friday night ito usually). Because to be honest, we can learn a lot from the youth. They bring in new perspectives, which allow us to better understand their culture now and could be the solution to bridging the generational gap as far as discipleship is concerned.

And they have LOTS of energy. Kailangan i-channel ito para sa iba’t ibang talents like singing and dancing pero within the church community. Ganito rin kami sa Protestant church namin sa hometown ko where I attended church services when I was a kid. Merong intermission number ang youth sa kalagitnaan ng church service.

If I’m going to be a parent, I’d rather see my child being rambunctious and on fire serving the Lord through praise and worship than attending some concerts where drunkenness, illegal drugs, sex, etc. are prevalent at ang mga lyrics ng kanta either sobrang depressing or maraming mura. Kaya ang Spotify ko ngayon sinasala ko what are the songs that I should and should not include in my playlists. May iba na medyo sablay ng konti sa lyrics, but because I love the melody, pinapakinggan ko sya. But I don’t let the words get into my head.

Speaking of being on fire, I’ve been pondering on these two questions recently. Like what if someone asks me these questions, ano ba ang isasagot ko? 🙂

“Have you always been this on fire for the Lord?“

“Are you always this passionate with this Jesus thing?“

My answer sa mga tanong na ito is that, yes, I have always been on fire for the Lord. May mga times na hindi ako madalas makasimba, but my faith never became lukewarm. Lagi kasing may tugging ng Spirit to remain true sa calling at isa na dyan itong blog ko. Na kailangan ipagpatuloy ang pag-share ng Word and spiritual journey ko dito to fulfill the commitment I made when I surrendered my life to Him. Ganyan si God pagdating sa accountability, hindi mo Sya pwedeng talikuran ng ganun-ganun lang. 😃

Gaya noong isang araw, 2nd day ng prayer and fasting, I woke up with another eczema breakout – just one, right in the middle of my left hand. This one rash reappears on the same spot every time something triggers it i.e. perfumes, stress, food allergens, cold and dry environments, etc.

Noong una itong lumabas last year kung tama pagkaalala ko, na-bother ako kung ano na naman naka-trigger sa kanya. Hanggang sa nasanay na ako tignan sya every time it reappears. I’ve had eczema flare-ups since I was in college, btw. At napatawa na lang ako when I saw it again kahapon.

Because you know what it reminded me of? Para syang ‘yung scar ni Jesus sa kamay noong pinako Sya sa Cross. I mean, sa dinami-daming locations sa katawan na pwede syang lumabas, dito lang talaga sa left hand at saktong sentrong-sentro pa at nag-iisa lang sya.

At ngayon lang sa akin nag-sink in na hindi kaya God is trying to remind me something? And He had to use a visual reminder, something tangible na hindi ko basta-basta madi-dismiss. Because I am in this season yet again na God is telling me to do something that will require me to step out in even bigger faith. At ang sagot ko sa Kanya was this:

“Lord, I am unworthy. I am not equipped. I am not qualified. I don’t want to do it.”

I know God is reminding me of my worth again – in Him. Para bang itong pantal ay reminder ng Dios na, “Tin, my Son sacrificed His life for you and died on the Cross to save you from being perished. Because that is how much I love you and that is how special you are to me. I want you to continue walking the path that I have set out for you to walk on and complete the task that I want you to do. His blood was shed on your behalf so you can be a new creation – because you are worthy. And I want other people to know and experience this, too.”

I guess the calling will always remain, and it will never change regardless of the circumstances we are in. Although hindi ko talaga pwedeng takasan ang calling because Christ is in my name. Unless I read my name backwards. 😅 Kidding aside, hindi ako pwedeng tumalikod sa calling because Christ already lives in me. 🙏

As my life verse goes, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” – Philippians 4:13. And I will also add that I can do all these things because aside from Christ, I also have people who can help me do the work for the Lord no matter how daunting – they are the body of Christ. ♥️

“Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.” – Romans 8:18

P.S. Every church has its own flaws and weaknesses because the enemy will continue to attack it. But for as long as Jesus remains to be the center of the church, be in that spiritual family. And even if you’ve gone astray, come back. 🙏

Juggling June

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Ah yes, the title is just fitting to describe what transpired during this month. I’m back here in Manila to oversee repairs at my sister’s condo in preparation for their arrival this coming August.

It looks like it is only when I’m here in Manila that I get to write a lot of longer articles. I think it’s also safe to say that Manila is my “downtime” where I get to do only one task at a time. 😃

A lot has happened during the past 2 months that I was there in my hometown. I hope I won’t bore you with too much details. lol So, I’ll try to summarize everything and just jot down the important ones.

1. Farmville Mode

We made our regular visits to the farm – I was so glad and grateful that somehow most of the plants (flowering trees and forage plants) we planted last year survived. Some thrived such as in the case of the Napier Grass. The goal is to grow at least one plant for each kind, and we were able to grow several of them. It looks like we more or less succeeded. And thank God for taking good care of these plants on our behalf. 🙏

I pray that God will continue to watch over these babies. 🙏
When you’ve been tasked again to flatten the grass using an SUV (???) and you documented it as proof that you accomplished the task even if 90% of your bored self objects to the idea. lol I just love my Dad. He makes me laugh even without trying. 😅
Now, THIS is what I would love to drive. Seriously.
Where there is smoke, there is BBQ. Dyan po namin niluluto ang mga nahuhuli naming nagte-trespassing sa bukid. lol Joke lang. Ang maniwala, sya ang next na isasalang dyan. 😄

2. The Gardener At Work

I also planted Okra, Eggplant, Pechay, Tomato, Spinach, and Mustasa again. Hopefully they are still alive when I get back. I planted them as soon as I got home last May since I am targeting that before I get a full-time job, they’re all grown up and settled in in their own pots so our house help can just water them.

I can’t wait to transplant them to their individual pots.
Meron sanang gustong tumulong sa brainstorming kung anong mga gulay itatanim ko. Nga lang na-hypnotize sya ng aking ballpen. lol
Tapos tinulugan ako ng PA (Polly Assistant) ko. Magpa-plot pa naman sana kami ng mga farming activities and other projects sa calendar of events. Tsk.

3. Farewell, Mama Bon

One of my Aunts (mother side) passed away in her sleep at the age of 80 – it was another heartbreak. But it gave us the opportunity to reunite with relatives whom we haven’t seen for more than a decade.

4. Fence Project

The construction of a fence back home is also ongoing – we need to fortify our defenses against the enemies a.k.a. stray cats, stray dogs, and stray chickens. 😅

5. The Beautiful PENINSULA DANCALAN

We visited my Uncle’s (Dad’s youngest brother) new beach resort in Dancalan, Bulusan – I instantly fell in love with the place. ♥️ Their infinity pool exudes the perfect Santorini vibe. 😍 If you have inquiries re reservations, please do visit Peninsula Dancalan‘s Facebook page and watch out for updates on their grand opening in September. 👍👍

The pool is just – 😍😍😍!!!
The infinity pool at night. 🥰

6. Exploring Sitio Laboy (Matnog, Sorsogon)

We also visited Dad’s property in Sitio Laboy in Matnog, Sorsogon. I love the winding road. It looks like it’s headed straight to Neverland. Lezzzzggggoooo! 😄

Yep, I know, I know. I know you missed my chubby cheeks. lol ☺️

7. New Season, New City

And last but definitely not the least, I finally found a place to stay in Sorsogon City – the newly constructed place exceeded my expectations. Indeed, God makes everything beautiful in His own time exactly like what I have envisioned in this article. It’s like the apartment was built just for me. lol

I got the last unit for a reasonable rental fee, it’s just a block away from Victory Sorsogon, it’s a gated compound w/ provisions for car parking, and it’s located right at the heart of the bustling city – what more can I ask for? 🙏😍

According to one of the owners, some of the tenants also work in “sanggunian.“ It has always been my dream to be a public employee. Is this a sign, Lord? 😅 If there will be an opportunity for me to work as a government employee in Sorsogon City, then I take it that it is His will. But if not, then I’m back to being a remote worker, which will allow me to stay in Bulan for a couple of days during the middle of the week and go back to Sorsogon City on weekends.

Why Sorsogon City? I did share in my previous articles some of the advocacies (Bayanihan Knitted Knockers | Breast Cancer ADVOCACY and Not Just An Advocacy, But A Higher Calling) that I felt like God wanted me to pursue according to His timeline. But His first instruction was to connect with a spiritual family in Bicol first.

I was baptized and was born-again in Victory that’s why I want to continue my spiritual journey in this church. And Sorsogon City happened to have one of the Victory churches.

So yes, I am very excited to start my new season in Sorsogon City. But only after the bed is delivered – I still have to wait for 2-3 weeks. 😃

I felt like I had to get a place in the city just in case it is Dad’s turn to be hospitalized. This way, we won’t have a hard time looking for a place to stay just like what happened when Mom was confined at the hospital last year.

We were fortunate enough that Ma’am Roge opened her Sor Ci (the locals’ colloquial abbreviation of Sorsogon City) home to us though it’s technically not available and even if it’s for a short-term lease only. My sincerest gratitude goes out to her as well as to Kuya Soc and Ate Rina for cooking hearty meals for us while we were taking care of Mom at the hospital. Their hospitality and generosity helped us tremendously, especially during that very difficult moment in our lives. ♥️

Traveling from Bulan to Sorsogon City and vice versa is just too exhausting especially if you are taking care of a sick loved one in one of the city’s hospitals. It is also my plan to open the studio apartment albeit small to other family members, relatives, and friends who need a place to stay in the city for a short while (maximum of 2 pax only).

I am also praying that Bulan will have another hospital since it is already being prepped for cityhood. If it is not yet possible, then I am hoping the one hospital we have now will add more health care services, will increase the hospital’s bed capacity, and will hire more medical personnel to accommodate more patients, especially during emergencies. Bulan’s population listed a total of 105,190 residents according to the 2020 census, and it is increasing.

So, it looks like my first article for August will officially document my new season in Sorsogon City. In fact, I already have a title for said article, and it’ll go something like this: “All My “Firsts” In Sorsogon City” – my first worship service, my first Bible study group, my first early Saturday morning walk along the boulevard, and a whole lot more of possible “firsts” in the city. And yet in everything, not my will but let God’s will be done always. 🙏🙂

I believe God intended I write all about my “firsts” in Sor Ci during the month of August – it’ll be Mom’s first year death anniversary, too. ♥️

P.S. The mid-year Prayer and Fasting in church happening on July 3-5, 2024 is just the perfect time for me to pray for God’s will and straighten out my plans in Sorsogon City. Indeed, God is good all the time. Always. 🙏

P.P.S. Because we had a surplus of Kamias and my Dad and 3rd sister were craving for gulay na Kamias/Iba, I made them one. We usually pair this vegetable viand with fried marinated Bangus or any fried fish. 👍 Karaon tabi kita. 😋

Kamias Overload
Mas bet ko ito lutuin nang pinapa-curdle ang gata.
Siram mag-kinamot. 😋
We also serve Lechon Munchkin garnished with tiny sunflowers. 🤣

The Hope That Faith Brings Through Adversity

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I would like to share the takeaway for this year’s Midyear Prayer and Fasting in church. ❤

Day 2: MORE REVELATIONS (Part 2)

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I knew that I cannot sleep this day off without sharing what happened tonight. For I believe they are all part of God’s revelations.

But first, I’d like to praise God for blessing us with spiritual leaders who took the responsibility of making sure we were all led “home” – in spiritual victory. 🙂

Last night’s prayer meeting at Victory QC in Regis Katipunan, Bishop Manny Carlos said that there will be tangible assurances from the Lord of His presence during this Mid-Year Prayer and Fasting. And this article will be a testimony of that prophecy. For I claimed it and believed in it. 🙂

6pm is the time I lift my “cellphone off”  ban and I prepare for our 7pm prayer meeting. Last night, hailing a cab going to church and my travel time were easy. But tonight, it was a challenge. I got out of the house and saw that heavy traffic started to build up in front of our house. I waited for 15 minutes but no cab was available. I haven’t eaten for the rest of the day and I thought, this might be the enemy trying to prevent me from attending the prayer meeting.

Unfortunately I am not just a warrior but a conqueror. For God trained us to be that, right? 😉

So I walked one block to get to an intersection hoping I will have more chances of hailing an empty cab but then again to no avail until I have decided to ride a tricycle going to a nearby mall. Taxi stands are everywhere there. When I got to the mall, oh boy, one taxi stand has a long line of passengers waiting. So I went to the other side of the mall where there are lesser passengers waiting. A lot of empty cabs stopped in front of me but when I told them where I am headed to, they declined.

I am on the verge of quitting out of desperation. But no, I am determined. For I would always keep in mind that the only time I will not be in church is when I am dying and I am physically incapable to move. Yes, never say never. And sometimes, just like in the movie God’s Not Dead wherein the two ministers are having a hard time finding the right car for their vacation, faith is all that God was asking.

So yes, I thought why should I worry, God is in control now. Let things be and keep calm. If it is His will for you to be there in church, He will take you there in His perfect time.

Finally, a cab passed by, passengers got off and one passenger waited until I got in before closing the door. I thanked him and I thought, “Father, this must be it.”  I mean let’s admit it, there are only a few gentlemen who are willing to open doors for the ladies now. But I am praying God will change that. 😀

Anyway, I got inside the cab, told the driver I am headed to Katipunan, he said yes and finally I felt relieved. But then it was cut short – Xavierville Ave was in such heavy traffic I thought I will arrive when the prayer meeting is already over. But c’mon Tin, never say never. Never ever give up on God, keep your hopes up.

So there I was at the back seat trying to keep myself mentally afloat and physically present yet spiritually in control. Then came the first of the revelations. Something caught my eye from the passenger’s seat door near where I am seated. Wow, Father. Is this you? 😉

Tin Ginete

Brian Joseph Taxi

Of all names, of all taxis, of all times, of all dates, must I ride a cab that has a name exactly like that of my ex fiance except that you just have to interchange it – his full name is Joseph Brian Rome.

Now I sure did laugh. I am not sure if the taxi driver heard it but I took a photo of it for documentation purposes. Well, all I ever said was a prayer in my head that “Father, if this came from you, I already am relying on You COMPLETELY.”

I am letting go of the things that You wanted me to let go and yet if this is the assurance You are giving me that losing someone to God is never really a loss then again I can only and will only HOPE in YOU.

Okay, so there went my conversation with God. But then, came this music from the taxi’s radio. And guess what that song was? It’s our love theme song – All of You Loves All of Me by John Legend. So below is a short video clip I took with the cab’s name. I cannot capture it long enough lest the driver might be distracted by my phone’s camera flash.

And so I laughed again and silently said, “Oh c’mon now Father God, you know that I love you and I can ONLY love you for you are my EVERYTHING.”  And seriously though I thought, if the enemy is playing with my thoughts then I’ll show him who God really is.

I was about to record another video but when I looked up, I happen to stare at one of the food cart franchises by The Filipino Dream (formerly Filtrepreneur Franchise, Inc.) that my ex bf and I ventured on – Kambal Pandesal from San Miguel Mills Incorporated. And I thought, okay, now this is getting serious. Because I really thought the business was going to fail and it is not God’s will for us but I still prayed for it. This was a sign that God is giving me hope and to just wait a little more. So I took a photo of it while we were on standby mode.

Tin Ginete

Kambal Pandesal by San Miguel Mills Incorporated

But then, here came another surprise. The song that followed John Legend’s song was One of Us by Joan Osborne. Are you familiar with the lyrics? If not, here is a sample and of course I took a video of it.

“If God had a name what would it be?
And would you call it to his face?
If you were faced with Him in all His glory
What would you ask if you had just one question?

And yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
And yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Tryin’ to make his way home?”

Whew! I am all smiles before I even get to the prayer meeting. Yes, I was 20 minutes late but I believe God intended I get stuck in traffic so I’d have time to observe things around me and appreciate that really, IT IS ALL ABOUT GOD. 🙂

So came the prayer meeting, we prayed for our campus missionaries and ministries and it was not a coincidence my prayer group that I randomly joined in happen to be ALL educators who are taking up their graduate study. Yes, exactly just like me. And we were praying for the students in the campuses. Yes, sometimes smiling because of these wonders around you is all that you can do. 😀

After the prayer meeting I waited and hailed a cab and when I got in, I checked my phone. 2 missed calls from my ex bf and a txt msg. I read the txt msg first and wow, this was what I read:

Tin Ginete

Praying for this business venture.

The business deal was successful, we were able to help a future business partner put up their own food cart business and I was blessed too on the other hand. Praise be to God! Now this, I must say, I am already proclaiming with my utmost entity that my God is indeed the everlasting, magnificent God who saves, protects, loves and provides. I still will continue praying though that by God’s leading and grace, this will be successful. I am committing to the Lord’s plans in this venture.

Oh Father, I want to shout your name aloud right now to praise and honor You for Your Glory. But it is a full moon, I won’t do it lest I might be accused of being a lunatic. In Your perfect time and place though. 😛

So I texted my ex fiance as he is my business partner – a reason for us to talk in a casual, friendly manner. But in case he asks me to take him back and start again, I am afraid my heart is not yet ready for it. I have forgiven him but the time is not yet right to re-commit with him. I am not closing my doors though. I am just happy things were going well this time now that I have decided to give my all to God and to Him alone. 🙂

When I was about to get off the cab, I looked at the cab’s fare counter and it was 78.90. I have no smaller bills so I thought I’d just give my 500-peso bill and ask for a 400-peso change. Yup, I usually round it off (sometimes a little too high) when I pay my fare. Sort of helping them too from the extra.

But this time, the cab driver told me he doesn’t have enough money for my change as he only has 300 pesos at the moment for he just started taking passengers tonight.

So there goes me rummaging my bag for smaller bills to pay the exact amount and was glad to find 70 pesos. But I am still 8.90 short. I told the driver, “Manong 70 pesos lang po ang barya ko. Okay lang po ba?”

He didn’t hesitate and just easily answered with an “Ay okay lang po ‘yan Ma’am.”  And I just thanked Him and thanked God for meeting a good soul back there. 😉

Oh what a night of my second day of prayer and fasting. I will eat my first and last meal of the day and pray to God for more of Him tomorrow, last day of the prayer and fasting, before I hit the hay.

But one thing I can promise, if these were distractions (for tonight’s prayer meeting focused on discerning distractions), then definitely the enemy failed. For I have already made a re-commitment to my Lord and my Savior – way solid this time. I will continue praying that God will unveil my eyes from any deception and lies placed before me by the enemy and lead me towards the Truth.

Goodnight for now my sisters and brothers! 🙂

Day 1: STRENGTH

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Today is June 30.

Today marks the first day of the Mid-Year Prayer and Fasting 2015 in church.

Today is the day I ended a current relationship and reconciled with a former relationship.

Today is all about STRENGTH.

Last Sunday, I was with my fiance and his family to celebrate his brother’s birthday. In case you have been reading my previous posts, a devoted believer put in the midst of non believers is a really tough case. Values wise, any differences could have been resolved if God was the priority and at the center.

But that was not the case. And yet, I am not writing this to complain but to share my faith. 

Having a non believer as a partner is indeed being yoked unequally. It is difficult to agree on certain matters for two perspectives are at hand – worldly (his) and Godly (mine). And yet, God is so faithful He gave me the strength, patience and the means to endure it all.

I can only accept our differences: good moral values, upright conduct, beliefs in faith, etc. BUT there is a time for everything as God puts it in the bible.

A saturation point so to speak.

This time calls for things to come into a final halt. I don’t mean to judge but I meant to enlighten by sharing in some unfavorable experiences I have had. It is not for us to judge though and condemn but God’s.

Last Sunday I was with my fiance’s family. I was a guest, I do not make the call what time we go to church, what time we leave the house, etc. As a Victory group leader, we were advised by our spiritual leaders to arrive early during a Sunday service. But we arrived late for so many reasons being able to hear only the last few stanzas of the last worship song. I felt broken. I was there in church feeling guilty not being able to live up to my responsibilities as a group leader. And yet it was not my choice to make. I tried to fight against the feeling of guilt, a little bit of anger and sadness within me and just be thankful we still ended up in church.

Then it was time for the lecture to be delivered and Pastor Jonathan of Victory Alabang led the discussion. Word after word, my heart was slowly being torn apart – the message was for me. I was fighting back those tears. Those tears of how many months of trying to fight for faith against the worldly, of keeping quiet and enduring it all and those moments of pain from conflicts. My heart was so heavy I knew it was the Spirit asking me to do something. Pastor Jonathan just nailed it when he preached regarding “darkness” and what it means to us. Especially when he talked about marriage, that maybe the conflicts did not come from the enemy anymore but from myself – a reluctant and stubborn heart to pursue my desires, my plans and my lack of strength to let go and let God. I was on the verge of raising my hand for that second altar call, but I know there is no such thing. Or if there is, then God knows I already made it at that moment. The wounds have been exposed now in the open and they hurt even more. I can no longer bear it and yet I know I needed to move on and pray even more.

It was funny though I remembered walking out of the worship hall with a smile of relief. Then for the first time, we went out the exit door where books on faith and devotionals were being sold. I felt a tug in my heart to browse through them. And I believe these books were picked by the Spirit for me for the season I am in right now. And I bought a baller too – my first about faith. And I remembered telling my fiance jokingly that I will buy a memorabilia as this might be the last time I’ll be attending Victory Alabang. And it looks like the joke really was on me. 😀

Tin Ginete

Faith memorabilia.

Touchpoints for Women: God’s Answers for Your Every Need is the perfect devotional book for women dealing with specific issues. And I did not read the first page yet, I was waiting for the right time. And the other book I bought was the only book available there on relationships, marriage and faith – The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love. This, too, I have read the first page but decided not to continue as I am no longer in this season. I just thought that this is all God’s way of preparing me for something in the future.

Tin Ginete

Touchpoints for Women

Tin Ginete

The Act of Marriage

I was keeping my calm when at a buffet restaurant, all the rest of the family including my fiance and his Mom, agreed to sneak out some sweets to give to a niece back home. I gently reminded my fiance that it is a Sunday and we just finished attending church and we are all aware that it is against the restaurant’s policies to take out any food. I was grateful my fiance listened when I told him if ever you get caught, consider that we are both professionals – I am a teacher, you are a nurse. We both were given licenses to nurse and to teach under the oath that we will behave appropriately in public. They were drinking too and it was not a big deal for me and yet when my fiance was advised that a vice is more important than work which made him decide to file for a sick leave the next day, I was broken again. Another heavy heart for me and yet ended with a smile of relief.

I stayed at their place which is one of the things I am totally against as it gives room for temptation to enter in, and yet by God’s grace, temptation failed to get in. Next day, I accompanied my fiance to the bank to deposit money and we had another conflict and this was the first time I experienced how far his rage could go. He pushed me out of his anger and when we were having the heated discussion I saw his trembling hands while rummaging on his things. Yes, it was an accident that he did it – out of his anger. So I thought it best I leave him alone for the meantime and let him cool down his temper. And yet it made me think too that it was a red flag. A guy who easily gets angry and could not control it will lead to physical violence. Domestic violence is not the kind of home I wished for my kids to grow up in. He did apologize after and I have forgiven him. I was broken and yet there is that smile of relief.

In the afternoon, we were on our way to Starbucks to celebrate the wedding anniversary of their parents as his dad is not here. Came the moment that his mom inquired regarding our business venture and our plans. His mom lent us some money to be able to start the business and indeed, the borrower is a servant to the lender. For during the discussion, I felt that his mom was suggesting things about the business and asking me why are you planning this if you want this and that and at that time, I was also talking through text with a business partner regarding a business meeting that I wasn’t able to attend because I prioritized my fiance and his family and it didn’t turn out as planned. There were a lot of things going on in my head, I was not in the right mood to talk about serious things and it was too late for me to realize that I was already answering in a very aggressive and offensive tone. I was provoked and yet my fiance did not support me and our plans but instead blamed me why we are in complicated situations right now.

My heart was broken. His Mom went on to “advice” on what to do, what we should do in front of my fiance and his sister. Some were very insulting and I am already aware that she doesn’t notice too how offensive her words could get as I was told by the girlfriend of my fiance’s brother who was also in conflict with my fiance’s Mom for the very same reasons which ended in broken relationships with the future in laws. My body was trembling out of anger that I was suppressing. I was controlling not to let tempers loose and holding back my tongue not to say words that are even worse. I was able to listen and they were able to laugh and talk about things although they sensed I was not in my happy mood. And his Mom was affected by my inability to join in the fun. I tried but it was not that easy to let go as if nothing happened. And yet a smile of relief came through – I need to respect her.

No shouting, no curses and temper outbursts came through from me, I was able to hold it all back and just listened when she made the final statements. I stayed silent and talked with them when I can and smiled when I have to all the way home. My fiance gave me a cold shoulder not talking to me while eating and when he was driving us home and I was seated beside him. I stayed silent and broken for I know now how Jesus felt when everyone around Him abandoned Him and was persecuting and condemning Him, but I was able to smile with relief – I was able to pour out all my concerns and my side to his mom, although my mistake was, emotions took hold mostly of the discussion.

When we got home, the Spirit convicted me to do the right thing – apologize. I wanted to talk to his Mom personally but couldn’t find the right moment to talk privately so I chose Facebook instead to send her a letter of apology for how I behaved and if I have offended her. I also apologized to her personally when I said my “goodbyes” when we left the next day. In the letter, I thanked her for her suggestions keeping in my mind that she only wanted what is best for me and my fiance. I also apologized to my fiance but it came to another heated discussion – my fiance blamed me for ruining his parents’ wedding anniversary celebration. Aggression and blaming were there. Until he blurted out that I am not worthy of his respect at all. Yes, I was broken again and yet came a smile of relief afterwards – I cried to him explaining my side that as my future spouse, he should support me and our plans at all times because the spouse should always come next to God. I tried to understand him knowing how my fiance is so dependent and attached with his Mom that he could not even let go of that attachment even now that we were about to be married – one of our ongoing conflicts.

At this point, allow me to share some very important points during the Marriage Preparation seminar we attended in church. I highly recommend you attend one as it will answer the question if both of you are REALLY ready to commit:

Tin Ginete

Putting GOD at the center.

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“Leaving”

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“Cleaving”

We were able to end the conversation peacefully and decided to learn from the experience and move on although we did contemplate on breaking up and he wanted to end things already. I reminded him about the lecture service we just heard last Sunday and quoted bible verses. I can only hope and pray they all got through to him.

We said our “goodnights” but I suddenly woke up at 3:30am. And I thought I heard someone called me. I couldn’t go back to sleep anymore and was contemplating on telling my fiance the next morning to end the relationship formally as I believe it is what God was asking at the moment. We have ended the relationship so many times and yet neither of us have the courage and the strength to be firm with our decision considering a lot of factors, i.e. love is not an emotion but a decision; we will dishonor God if we break the commitment; etc.

I was praying all along for God to save me from this “darkness.” I no longer feel safe, I am not happy and my faith was always tested. And yet, God assured me and prepared me for this – for I know these are all His plans. I took a cab the day before I went to their place and I know it is not a coincidence that this is the name of the cab I was riding:

Tin Ginete

God Driven Jankei (I interpreted it as God-Driven Junkie). 😉

And when we were driving home from Starbucks and even going to church, incoming trucks from the opposite lane mostly have a “God Promised” sign board on top. I didn’t know what they meant at that time and even now. And I thought, I must be dreaming or I must be in another dimension, or am I already in Heaven? 😀 Yep, I was broken, but I can smile with relief knowing that God is with me anywhere and I need not fear.

I was sleepless last night silently praying to God to give me peace and to continue seeking for His forgiveness and having a forgiving heart letting go of the past. And when my fiance and I boarded the bus going back to Manila this morning, I just let the peace that God gave me to fill me in. And yet that peace came out of a decision – the decision to finally let go of the relationship and let God take control.

Yes, letting go of my worldly relationship with my fiance and reconcile with my spiritual relationship with my God.

My fiance and his family are not perfect in the same way that me and my family and all the people in this world are not perfect and will be making mistakes one way or the other. It is all a matter of seeking God’s forgiveness and obedience to God’s instructions. I can only pray for their salvation in the same way I am praying for my transformation every day. I texted my fiance this morning that I would have opted to end things personally and yet I know the situation calls we end it now. God is asking us to do it and He is asking us to trust Him what His plans are for both of us in the following days, weeks, months or years even. It has been said that during the Prayer and Fasting, the Spirit works at its best because it is most powerful during this moment. When I got off the bus, it is just strange that the ticketing personnel of the bus assisted me down as if I am a debutante walking down the stairs although I am only carrying two little bags. And it is also strange how the tricycle driver said “I love you” to me after paying my fare when I took the tricycle going to our apartment.

They are very strange but I got an answer: God was telling me I am still worthy of respect despite my fiance telling me last night I am not worthy of his respect and despite my failures and I even thought that could it be that God was in that tricycle driver as if telling me and comforting me,

“My child, I love you and you have nothing to worry nor to fear for I am with you always, anywhere, anytime. Let go of the things that you have no control over so I can take control of them. Leave them all up to me. I am ALL THAT YOU NEED.”

Which now made me realize why I chose or the Spirit chose my baller for me that says this: Jesus + Nothing = EVERYTHING.

Tin Ginete

Jesus + Nothing = Everything

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John 1:3

God is more than enough, Jesus is worth the sacrifice.

I remembered one instance I shared to my brother about the conflicts that my fiance and I had, and he told me to just endure it all. He said that they might be a test of faith and if I get used to giving up easily, it will also reflect in other decisions I make in life. Or maybe the reason why I am going through the same things I did in the past was because I keep on making a mistake – that of choosing a man who is not after God’s heart. He said that they just differ in names and background but personality wise, they are the same because they are not yet believers. He told me we cannot judge for even Christian guys and Pastors make mistakes but let’s just wait what God’s plans are. For the meantime, he asked me to be assured always and to pray and the question I asked back at him was this,

“I can trust him even if he makes mistakes repeatedly and no matter how dark his past was if and only if I know that he was already born again, now a devoted Christian and was already saved. For I know every time he makes a mistake, he will experience Godly sorrow and will go back to God. But he was not saved yet – no sincere and genuine repentance took place in his past, how would he know how to search for God and go back to Him when conflicts arise and things fall apart?”

My brother was silent for a moment and just simply said, “Now that is the thing we cannot control anymore.”

As of writing, I just finished my Day 1 Prayer and Fasting devotion and getting ready for the prayer meeting tonight to know more of the Spirit’s revelations. I have decided to not log in on Facebook and Twitter for the entire duration of the prayer and fasting week and turn off my phone by day and turn it on by 6pm onwards as part of controlling addictions. I committed to a once-a-day-meal type of fast and yet unbelievably, I do not feel any hunger at all. All I ever wanted to do is immerse myself on “spiritual food” and share via my megaphone regarding my faith – this blog. But since I committed to a once-a-day meal fast, I will uphold to that commitment. 🙂

I am smiling – with relief, contentment and peace. I am praying, still, for healing, for guidance, discernment on God’s will and that my plans will be more in tune with His this time, more strength, more courage, more patience and restoration of things that were broken. But I am now assured that I can only put my hopes in God alone. Indeed, true love and security can only be found in Him. And I can only be grateful to Him for this hope, this second salvation, this peace and this love that now gives me joy for I can now serve my Lord wholly in truth and in purity.

Thank God for the STRENGTH. 🙂

P.S.

There really is something about number 3 – my water baptism was 3/3/13 (the day I was reborn), I always wake up around 3:30am not knowing why and I receive my daily bible verse notification from my bible app every 3:00pm though I set it to appear every 9am.

So…I don’t want to go ahead of God’s plans but I am believing in His promises (if these are His promises) –  that I’ll give it 3 days to let things heal during this prayer and fasting, seek for forgiveness from people I have hurt, apply the 3-month-no-dating rule, pray to God how to tell our families, move on with a new and Godly perspective, maybe get married by age 31 as I am claiming I am done with my grad study by that time (I am now 29 turning 30 this December), spend a year with my future husband as a married couple to get to know each other better living under one roof and have my first baby when I am 33. 😀

Still, “many are the plans of man but it is the Lord’s purpose that will prevail.”  I can only praise God for giving me this now – HOPE, may it be in numbers, in signs, in words, in other people, in the Scripture or even in that tricycle driver. 😉