Daily Archives: October 24, 2012

A Dream

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It all started in a flash,

I felt that sudden rush.

A certain feeling within,

Where I have never been.

How could I forget those eyes

Searching where my soul lies.

Deep as if we’re in a trance,

Hoping for that one chance.

The first time I felt this way

I hoped that it would stay.

From all corners of my heart,

Wished that we would not part.

Though you’re just a dream,

Far to reach it may seem.

I’m waiting for that moment,

Time with you would be spent.

I’ve waited and I have yearned,

But bridges have been burned.

Chances that seem to be lost,

Changes are at the worst.

Tears of doom started to well,

Moments lost I could tell.

I just could not bear the pain,

To be close but in vain.

I asked myself how and why?

Can’t we give it a try?

But I can never have you,

‘Cos you’re a DREAM, that is true.

A Meandering Passage To A Hidden Alcove: The Lost Soul

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A drop or two.

Tears started to streak on your face.

Blinded, groping, you headed yourself through the light.

Alas! You saw the light, it’s finally over. Panting, heaving, breathing heavily, you slumped to a rock. You looked around you, no traces or signs of the struggle. You’re finally free. That’s what you thought. Suddenly, you felt the pain. Striking, grueling, biting every part of your body. You shook uncontrollably and then you felt yourself running, again, fast, until you’re exhausted. You dropped down to your knees, you screamed and then everything went dark.

Your mind started to drift. Jumbled memories of maybe the past, the present or the future, you can’t really tell, came into view. You felt yourself as if you’re in a trance, a light feeling and then you saw him. You can’t help not suppressing the joy you felt. You smiled at him. A blank stare. Nor did he even look at you. What is happening? You started to panic. Why can’t he see me? He wouldn’t look at your direction. There he was, a solitary figure, head bent, shoulders slumped, a grave look on his face. You approached him, but then he abruptly stood up, walked away leaving you there, stunned and speechless. As you saw his figure slowly disappearing, you whispered his name, “I love you, please come back”. He continued to walk on, slowly disappearing until there was only you, standing, rooted to your place. You’re alone, he left and then there it was again. The pain! It’s suddenly creeping into your veins. You frantically screamed. You need to escape. You ran wildly as if chasing something like a mad man. Then you stumbled. Far, so far, you couldn’t even remember how long you were stumbling.

A voice, you thought you heard a voice. A man’s voice. Crooning, whispering something in your ear. You slowly opened your eyes. And you saw a face bending over you. A blurred face. Who are you? Hope started to well in your heart as you thought that it could be him. You heard your name. You thought it’s over. Drowsiness started to get into your head, you fell asleep and then.

Loss and Victory

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To experience loss by means of death is like trying to fight a game wherein you have no control over it. Moreover, you already know that you are slowly losing the game. My aunt who has cancer died a month ago. We weren’t shocked since we already know how serious her cancer was. But still, the pain and sadness will continue to linger on. I don’t know how true premonitions can be but a few days before my aunt’s death, a student of mine and I were discussing the story in a book regarding postponing death. I never thought of it as a sign.

Then a few days later, my aunt died. This made me thought about what the doctors told us, that she’s gonna die last December and how sad it would be for all of us since she wouldn’t be there with us to celebrate it. We spent the holidays in Bicol and were able to visit my aunt. She was okay. So I thought that maybe the doctors were wrong. After the holidays, we came back to Manila and then, a month later, my mom called and told us that my aunt passed away. I really don’t believe that a person could postpone his/her death. But in my aunt’s case, I guess that it is true so that would mean that the story in my student’s book could also be true. We were all devastated.

They say that if you’ve experienced loss, you will experience victory afterwards. I don’t know if it’s true but I think it could be. I wasn’t really expecting that I could finish my thesis this year and be a centennial graduate of UP. But I am happy that I am. After two years of doing and trying to finish my thesis, I have been tested up to the brink of my existence and yet I was able to survive. I went through a lot and I do admit I came to a point wherein I just want to stop, leave everything behind and just try something else. I even came to a point wherein I referred to my course as a ‘curse.’ Well, you will surely think of absurd and stupid things when you felt like giving up. But I thought that there is a reason why I have to have this course and go through what I’ve been through. So I’ve decided to stick with it and just fight my way to get to the finish line. I must say I’ve grown more maturely during those two years.

If we could only do something to make her live longer. But I also thought that maybe she has already served her purpose here in this world. As I grow older, I learn new things and that is good. What is sad though is the fact that as I grow old, people older than me are getting older as well and would eventually leave this world. But that’s part of life. That is, in fact, the cycle of life.

Now, I am just so thankful to God, my family and my friends who gave me the strength and stood by my side all the way. I guess two years ago was not the right time for me to graduate. As simple as that. I may not know what the reasons are exactly but I already have a few hunches. I’ve been praying to God to give me a second chance to make things right again and he did. Now, I guess, it’s up to me what to do with that second chance. One thing’s for sure though, that I’m gonna use it for good.

Keep on striving!

(This article was written year 2008.)

Dependence and Trust

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What about them? What do you learn from them? How are they important in our everyday lives? Well, there are two ways to regard each of both. First, with contempt and apprehension and the other one with a wholehearted acceptance that it is the key for the betterment of our selves.

Dependence is regarded by most of us as a negative thing. Negative in what way? It is viewed as a negative aspect in our human lives if being dependent contributes nothing to your personal growth and development. How? If, for example, you are dependent on your family regarding making big decisions that they are already taking over your lives; doing just the simple things, i.e. household chores, paying the bills, etc and simply by just being unproductive. There really is no personal growth in that in a way that you do not and cannot do things on your own and you simply rely on to others to do these things for you and you also don’t contribute anything to them that would be beneficial not just to you but to the other persons as well.

But dependence can also be regarded as a positive thing when you gain something from it. The best example of this would be the emotional dependence. This is where friends, the family or a special someone comes in. What I mean here by being emotionally dependent is the way in which you share what’s inside of you to people who are closest to you who can support and at the same time challenge you emotionally. These persons are there to give you any advice and support that they could possibly give which, I think, is important for you to become strong and adept to all kinds of emotional challenges that you would possibly encounter in the future. I don’t think that any person would be able to live a life with no one to share with regarding their problems at work, in school, in their relationships with different persons and in life in general. We all have an ate, a kuya, a bessy, a true friend, a babes, a mom and dad, an insan, a tito/tita, a lolo/lola, or even a manang who are the first person/s whom we open our hearts to regarding our “stresses” in our daily lives.

Next is trust. Trust is perceived by most people as a priceless thing but to others, it could be as cheap as rubber slippers which you could “use up” and “dispose” after you’re through with it. Some people trust other people easily while some do not. Others find it hard to gain back their trust on someone after being hurt while others can easily gain it back and just try to “forgive and forget.” Other people regard it with disdain and apprehension simply to put up a wall that would shield them from being hurt again. Others, despite of being hurt, perceive it as a way of making “true” connections with people.

Personally, I don’t really place myself on either of these categories. It is like more of a combination of these categories that somehow made me regard trust in a different “light.” I can be very trusting sometimes but sometimes I am a cynic. If you were able to read my personality test, it says there that I have a healthy dose of cynicism. I trust people as long as they play fair. This is indeed true about me. In this case, you become a better judge of character. I’m sure most of us don’t trust completely persons whom we have just met but we do trust them a little. I think it’s more like we are hoping that we could really trust them completely after being with that person/s for a long time.

Regarding “broken” trust, yes, I will be very offended and hurt but I am also willing to give a second chance even if it meant that there will be “cracks” that would give way to your doubts about that person. But if in that second chance, that person still failed to fill up even a little of those “cracks,” then, that would be the time that I have to say, “I’m sorry, but I really don’t trust you.” And when I say that, I really mean it. There really is no point in trying to trust persons with whom you have given lots of chances already but keep on failing in gaining your trust back.

There is only one key idea that I think is prevalent in the opinions I have written here. And that is to have not too much and not too little trust and dependence on persons around us, persons we have met or we will meet. Don’t be one-sided. Learn to weigh things as to which of them is appropriate for any given situation. Be flexible and learn to adjust. What really is important is the fact that you are creating good relationships with different kinds of people who have different personalities that would help you fit in easily and comfortably with these people who are from different walks of life.

Social experience is I think the best experience that one could possibly get regarding life. This is where you learn different values that will help you in the way you regard people and life and in the betterment of yourself as an individual. Living a good life is not about the material wealth that you have but it is really the successful relationships that you have created with the persons who are part or have been part of your life as they would say. That’s what I call, “living healthy.”

Life’s Real Battle

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The reason why I have decided to write this blog entry is because of the crude realities that my family and I have to undergo recently and hopefully overcome successfully. Really, after going through the situations we’ve been through, you really can’t help thinking that life is indeed complex and things do happen unexpectedly.

A few years ago, my aunt was diagnosed with cancer. We were all devastated after finding out about our aunt’s condition. The doctors suggested that she should undergo chemotherapy and blood transfusion. What is even harder to accept is the fact that the doctors told her that she is only expected to live until December this year. My aunt is in Bicol together with my parents. And when our mom called to tell us the bad news, it was really a huge shock to all of us since the last time we saw her after going through the chemotherapy, she was almost okay. We knew that she is already in the terminal stage but we weren’t expecting that it would be this soon. And what was so tragic about the news is that the month set to be her last is December. The month wherein everyone is expected to celebrate the Christmas season. In short, it’s a ‘happy’ month to most families. The time to get together and to enjoy the presence of each and everyone in the family.

But, I guess, that if indeed it is true that my aunt will only be given the chance to live until December, we really do have to prepare ourselves for what’s to come. But we are really hoping and praying hard that she would live longer and though we may not be there for her always to comfort and support her, we always include her in our prayers. That’s the best thing that we could do for now since life must go on for us. We really can’t stay contemplating about what happened and why it has happened. That’s one hard fact that I have learned about life.

My mom went through the same experience when she was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was seven years old. She underwent mastectomy and though they successfully removed the affected areas, we were still not that 100% sure that she won’t be having it again in the next years to come. We are hoping and praying real hard that it really won’t come back.

What I do admire about my mom though is the way she was able to face life and live it again after the operation. The courage and the strength to withstand all the physical and emotional pain is the best thing I admired from my mom. What she went through was not just a battle that she, alone, has to face, but it is also a battle that the rest of the family, the rest of us have to fight through. That was a tough battle for all of us but we were able to go through that and emerge victorious in the end. Prayers and the love of the family are the things that I think kept her going through those critical moments. Though we may be always there to comfort her, we all know that it is not enough to remove all the emotional pain that she is experiencing. We were so glad that my mom is okay now and we are really hoping that those are the only critical moments that the family has to go through again. But we could only hope for the best so far.

Breast cancer is successive in each generation of our family starting from the mother of my grandmother and that it didn’t skip a generation. I don’t even know if the mother of my great grandmother also had breast cancer and the generations before her because that would only prove that the chances of my sisters and I getting breast cancer are really high. I am a little worried but I am not afraid to face life as a breast cancer patient. It is because I am not afraid to die.

Not that I am trying to be brave or anything but really we should not be afraid of death. What I am afraid of is the prospect of the nature of my death. Like how am I gonna die? If ever among the five of us, my sisters and my brother, I was the one diagnosed as having breast cancer, I would accept it. Not because I have no choice but because I chose to accept my fate. But it doesn’t mean that I will just resign to the idea of waiting for my ‘death day’ without fighting through the battle. I will definitely fight and try to be optimistic.

We should always hope that things will get better. You would probably say that I can say all of these now because I am not really experiencing it right now. Yes, it is true that experiencing the real thing is way different than talking about it without experiencing it. But really, what I am doing now is in preparation for what I could possibly go through years from now if indeed I will be diagnosed as having breast cancer. Of course, like any cancer patients, I would definitely undergo stages that any dying person undergoes. If I was able to win the battle, that only means that God has a purpose why I need to go through that battle and be able to survive. But if I lose, that means I have reached the end of my journey. I have already completed the cycle of life so to speak.

Again, I am not afraid but I am worried. I am worried for the family members and persons dear to me whom I will be leaving behind. I am worried about the pain that they would feel seeing me going and fighting through it. I am willing to fight the battle. But if I see at some point that I don’t have the means for me to be able to continue the fight and if my family are already going through so much emotional pain, that would only be the time that I will give up.

As I was growing up, I have learned that giving up is not part of the options. In fact, giving up should not be included when you are facing life’s real battles. You should always be striving. And I mean striving really hard. Even if it comes to the point that you are almost crying everyday because you felt like giving up but you just can’t. You really cannot win if winning is not your main purpose. If fighting is only done in a half-hearted manner, it will only lead you to nowhere. Life’s real battles aren’t there for us to become losers but for us to become winners. It is how you play the game and it is entirely up to you if you want to emerge defeated or victorious after the battle.

(This was written year 2008.)

The Unknown World

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Taking the risks….Not knowing what will happen next…..Where will life take me?

Have you ever experienced situations like these? Situations that would compel you to make hard and big decisions. If so, what is the first step that you make? You decide on something. Whether if it’s for the best or for the worst. Why do we have to take bigger risks? Because we will get bigger rewards. Now you ask, how sure is this statement? Only you can answer that. Am I right?

You would probably wonder, what made me regard things like this? Well, let’s just say, I’ve been benefiting from different worlds different experiences that somehow made me think and act like how I do things right now. I know I’m still young to experience everything that I need to experience. And I’m pretty sure that the experiences I’ve gathered today so far constitutes only a minute portion of the entire experiences that I would probably get in the future. I am not pessimistic. It’s what we call self-preservation. Preparing one’s self from the destruction that he/she might end up. Well, that’s my meaning of it. I’m not expecting that things would be better for me when I grow old but of course, I can’t help hoping that really, somehow things might change for good. Who wouldn’t want a happy, contented and successful life? No one, right? We are all hoping to reap the best from everything.

I am not aggressive nor competitive. But really, you can’t help not being competitive in a world where you really need to be competitive. Not in the sense of trying to win the game but more on keeping yourself within the game. Surviving. That’s how it is. In the real world, you are literally on your own. That’s a hard fact. What exactly is this real world that I’m referring to?

My definition of it is the world where no friends or family could help you out in whatever consequence or test that you may encounter. Life is a continuous battle anyway. You lose, you win. There are no assurances. That’s why this real world may not sound as so real at all. Because for me, I may call it as the “real world” for me to be able to contrast it with the unreal which is the life that you wanted to live, meaning your dreams, aspirations, goals in life, but the truth is, this real world is what most of us commonly think and refer to as the UNKNOWN WORLD.